


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 3

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Don't Particularly Like This Film, I Swear A Lot, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, This Fandom Is Creepy As Hell Sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-15
Updated: 2013-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-29 13:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1005803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains the filmmakers' inability to spell, massive confusion caused by scenery and cast changes, AND THE FREAKING MARAUDER BACKSTORY.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh EXPLODING AUNT OF EXPLOSIONS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Spoony and the Sage's review of Garzey's Wing, MD Geist, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Eddie Izzard, or Rifftrax.

~And the WB logo pops in and out of the darkness, and I swear there's a dog barking in the background. Is Padfoot here already?~

Harry: *is clearly using underage magic over the summer*

Book readers: Wait, what? Wha…What? This is, this…what, why? Why, why is he…What?

This scene: *sparks many a "Harry's playing with his wand" joke*

Uncle Vernon: I must make sure my nephew is still asleep, so I think I'll repeatedly open and shut the door and turn the light on and off! No one would ever wake up if I did that all night!

Harry: This book appears to attempt to teach me advanced spellwork that can only be achieved by moving my wand in a certain way. So I think I'll just flick my wand downwards repeatedly and ignore the directions while continuing to break the law and no one notices for some reason.

Title: Hey, this is the only useful bit of this whole scene! Aren't I creepy and mysterious?

Uncle Vernon: You better not be destroying the entire continuity of the books in here!

The next scene with Aunt Marge: *begins, and in all honesty, the movie could've started here, that opening scene was entirely unnecessary and went completely against everything from the books, the first couple of films, and itself later on! What was the point?!*

Alfonso: We have to pad this out! The source material doesn't provide nearly enough information that can be put into the film!

Book readers: YES IT REALLY DOES.

Marauders: *sniff*

iheartmwpp: So, let me do the math here…that was roughly forty-eight seconds that could've been spent on the Marauder backstory, which is basically the plot of this book. Huh, seemed longer than that…a lot longer…And yes, this will be a running gag thing in this parody, get used to it, I'll be adding up all the wasted time at the end.

~We should've know, then, that this movie would have absolutely no respect for canon.~

Aunt Petunia: Harry. Harry! Harry! Listen to me when I actually call you by your name for once! Open the door for the person who's arguably more horrible than we are!

Aunt Marge: *stabs Harry with her Umbrella of Death*

Pam Ferris: These people aren't that extreme, really, it's just that we're looking at them through a particular lens.

Audience: YOU'RE CHARACTER'S BROTHER LOCKED A SMALL CHILD IN A CUPBOARD FOR TEN YEARS STRAIGHT. HOW IS THAT NOT EXTREME?!

iheartmwpp: Why is that always so downplayed, considering how horrible it is?

Ripper: I am by no means the most loveable dog in this film, but can I still have a hug?

Aunt Petunia: OH GOD WHY.

Harry: Uncle Vernon, is there any way you could give me any chance of happiness in this world by signing this permission form?

Uncle Vernon: *starts walking away without saying anything*

Harry: Sir, listen! Please! A bird gave it to me!

Uncle Vernon: No I will not sign anything that will allow you to sacrifice the souls of innocents to your demonic god!

Harry: It's not that, I swear! This is so I can go down to a village that has a crapload of places that could spell the death of me! Siriusly, you don't even want to know about Madam Puddifoot's…

Uncle Vernon: You don't say? Well, if it will mean you die, I suppose I could think about it, but you have to be nice to my sister.

Harry: Oh come on, what'd I ever do to you?

Uncle Vernon: Well, it's more the face that you exist, if you know what I mean…

James: Oi! How dare you use my own words against my son!

Uncle Vernon: Ain't you supposed to be dead?

James: Oh, right. Later! *vanishes*

Harry: Well that was weird.

Aunt Marge: Oh, you're still the main character, are you?

Harry: Unfortunately.

Aunt Marge: Don't say "unfortunately" in that I'm Obviously A Teenager Now And Therefore Obliged To Be Angsty way. Hold this, Petunia.

Ripper: I can haz love and affection?

Aunt Petunia: I'm not entirely sure I know what those things are.

Aunt Marge: You're lucky my brother's whipped and my sister-in-law is terrified of Dumbledore. He'd still be kept in a cupboard or drowned immediately if he'd been dumped on my doorstep, Vernon. OMG, MY LOVELY BLOOD-NEPHEW WHO I INSIST ON TREATING LIKE HE'S THREE EVEN THOUGH HE'S THIRTEEN! Ripper, come here and smother him with doggy kisses!

Dudley: *drools* TV…

Uncle Vernon: Get to work, slave!

Harry: Why won't you all just explode into fiery bits of flesh?

~Later, at the dinner that I'm pretty sure Harry never got to eat at…~

Aunt Marge: It probably isn't healthy for me to keep feeding Ripper strange things, but since he's obviously above that freak of nature over there, he deserves to have some degree of food tonight.

Dudley: I need more of a life than iheart!

Uncle Vernon: All right if I get you absolutely wasted, Marge?

Aunt Marge: Oh, only a little, excellent nosh, Petunia, which I assume is British for food. You! Slave with no meaning to his existence and is absolutely worthless in every way possible! Pick up that plate for me! And a bit more than that, Vernon, I want to get drunk, not buzzed. Usually just fast food for me, what with 79,236,587,593 dogs, it's cheaper that way, and tasty, though admittedly probably life-threatening. MORE, DAMN YOU! That's a boy.

Uncle Vernon: Yes, she even speaks baby-talk to me, I was never able to stop it.

Aunt Marge: Hey, Ripper, wanna try to risk some alcohol poisoning, with it being extremely dangerous for dogs to consume alcohol and everything? Yes you do, oh yes you do…

Harry: And I had wondered why she never married.

Aunt Marge: What are you smirking at?

Harry: I wasn't exactly smirking, more staring blankly.

Aunt Marge: Where did you send the boy again, Vernon?

Uncle Vernon: St. Gaba Gaba Chuck Fuck. It forces you to watch the shittiest movies and anime ever made.

Aunt Marge: And did they force you to watch MD Geist at St. Gaba Gaba Chuck Fuck, boy?

Harry: Er…

Uncle Vernon: Ahem.

Harry: Well, no, but we did have to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate and Monster A-Go-Go without the MST3K treatment.

Aunt Marge: Excellent.

Harry: Wow, she bought that? *low whistle*

Aunt Marge: I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not horribly torturing people who deserve it.

Bellatrix: Now here's a woman after my own heart!

Umbridge: I know, right?

Harry: Except no one either of you have tortured has ever deserved it. Ever.

Bellatrix and Umbridge: Details, details…

Aunt Marge: But you mustn't blame yourself for how he turned out, Vernon, even though it was directly due to your method of upbringing that has caused him to be messed up, though not nearly as messed as he should be, all things considering. Now listen closely, this is the part where I insult the boy's family and cause everyone in the fandom to consider me blowing up a good thing. What did the boy's father do, Petunia?

Aunt Petunia: Hell if I know. Actually, JKR did say he had enough money left to him by his parents to not have to work, even to support a newborn evidently, so even though he was kind of fighting in a flippin' war at the time he might well have been technically unemployed, I have no idea.

Aunt Marge: And I automatically assume that unemployed people are drunks! Yay stereotyping!

Harry: I have no basis on which to claim this, but my dad wasn't a drunk!

Aunt Marge's glass: *explodes, shards of glass flying everywhere and cutting into the nerves in her hand, making it so she can't even feel her fingers and it will never work properly again*

Aunt Petunia: Oh no, there's blood all over the table cloth!

Aunt Marge: No need to make a fuss, Petunia, the dogs do that to me all the time, I'm used to it.

Uncle Vernon: Boy, kindly GTFO.

Aunt Marge: Quiet, Vernon, apparently you're more whipped than anyone thought. You, *snap* clean up the blood and all the glass shards, and be sure to do it without gloves so you can cut yourself horribly.

Harry: Kayz.

Aunt Marge: Actually, I've spontaneously decided that it's nothing to do with the father, it's all to do with the mother.

Aunt Petunia: Oh, thank you ever so much for insulting my side of the family.

Aunt Marge: Hey, at least in the book I said no offense and just insulted your sister. You see it all the time with dogs, and making this comparison totally lets me call Lily a bitch without fear of it getting bleeped out.

Harry: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Aunt Marge: What's this? Someone gets offended after I insult their mother? You're more of an unnatural freak than I gave you credit for…am I breaking out in hives because I was allergic to something I just ate, I wonder?

iheartmwpp: Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that her blowing up starts off with a random finger?

Aunt Marge: And suddenly I have about ten more chins. Now is the time to panic about something really weird happening to me.

Uncle Vernon: *at first has an appropriate expression of terror that soon turns into the type of look I get when I don't want to do the dishes. His concern for his sister is overwhelming*

Aunt Marge's ass: *is the next thing we see start to expand. Lovely, I'm so glad they included that*

Aunt Marge: Oh noes, my tights are starting to rip and I'm getting small tears in my jacket! Please let that NOT indicate that all my clothes will be ripped apart by this!

EVERYONE IN THE EXISTENCE OF EVER: OH GOD PLEASE NO.

Harry: I wonder if my accidental magic extended to most of her clothes staying intact…

Uncle Vernon: *still with the whiny, pouty expression* Aww, I don't wanna have to get up and help my sister, I just wanna stay sitting, finish eating and then possibly beat my freak of a nephew for doing this, I did promise to knock the stuffing out of him in the book…

Aunt Petunia: This does not bode well.

Aunt Marge: Okay, how does only one bead fly off my necklace?

Cuckoo Clock: Wow, awesome aim you got there! I shall now annoy you for the duration of the scene!

Harry: THIS IS MY GRRRR FACE!

Aunt Marge: Apparently I really can talk while I'm like this. Instead of asking what the bloody hell is happening to me, I shall insist that my idiot of a brother do something about it; he does have a penis after all, and therefore must be more fit to help me than Petunia or even myself.

Audience: Okay, the buttons on her shirt can stop flying off any time now…

Ripper: I haven't done anything yet—Oh hey, the person who's practically my brother-in-law just stood up! I think I'll chomp on his leg for no reason whatsoever!

Rifftrax: Dog bites man, not news. Fat man bites dog…that's not really news either, I guess. I've seen it.

Aunt Marge: And now I'm floating. Exactly how is the boy making me expand like this, anyway, is he mentally filling me with helium or did he partially transfigure me into a massive balloon or something? OH NOES MY NECKLACE!

Dudley: Hee hee, covered in bees…Wha, there are beads in my food, what the hell…WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AND HOW DID I NOT NOTICE ANYHTING TILL JUST NOW, THE TV'S REALLY NOT THAT BIG!

Uncle Vernon: I am more concerned with getting this blasted dog off my leg than I am with helping Marge.

Aunt Petunia: I'll just stand here and watch.

Chair: I NEVER SAW GERMANY!

Button: WHEEEEEEE!

Dudley: Okay, it couldn't have hit me that hard!

iheartmwpp: Those last two lines? Lather, rinse, repeat.

Ripper: Seriously, why am I so obsessed with chomping on this guy's leg?

Uncle Vernon: Iunno, maybe I accidentally spilled some food there and didn't notice. And in any case, could you please stop?

Ripper: No.

Cuckoo Clock: Yep, still annoying!

Aunt Marge: And I am now on the ceiling. Though I seemed to have stopped expanding now, which is a relief since who knows how much longer my clothes would have held together.

Harry: I think that's because I've only just realized the extent of what I've done and am currently backing away slowly.

Aunt Marge: And now I'm upside-down. Man, my underpants must have one hell of an elastic.

Audience: Thanks, Cuarón, we really needed to see that.

Aunt Marge: …Wait, why am I floating out of the greenhouse? What exactly is the point of me floating out of the house? Why can't I stay in it and explode while the boy runs away now, this is annoying and pointless!

Harry: True, where are you going?

Uncle Vernon: I still have a dog attached to my leg for no reason, but I am coming for you, I swear, just hang on!

Aunt Marge: WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP THEN!

Dudley and Aunt Petunia: We'll just continue to stand here and watch!

Uncle Vernon: Got you! And shockingly don't weigh you down whatsoever, this could be potentially problematic…

Aunt Marge: POTENTIALLY PROBLEMATIC? I AM FATTER THAN YOU NOW AND AM FLYING UP INTO THE SKY, SCREAMING MY HEAD OFF AND IT'S A GOOD THING NONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE IN THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS SO NO ONE BOTHERS TO NOTICE ME!

Ripper: Why am I even here?

Uncle Vernon: Kay, this is a bit too high up for me now.

Aunt Marge: Don't you dare!

iheartmwpp: Hey, the only funny thing in this entire scene! Hooray!

Aunt Petunia: I'm entirely useless!

Uncle Vernon: Hey, so am I, all I can do now is call after Marge now.

Aunt Marge: SIRIUSLY, HOW IS NO ONE HEARING ME SCREAMING?

Ripper: I bark at my apparently former master!

Other dog in the yard next door: You're barking? I wanna bark too!

Padfoot: Hey, can I get in on this?

Dudley: Oh no! I can't believe this is happening! My one and only living aunt has just been blown up by Harry's improper usage of magic over the summer holidays, and for some reason she has flown out of our home! Who knows if she will ever be able to come down again, or if she'll just continue to expand until she fully explodes! This is horrible, tragic, I don't know how I'll ever be able to cope, it will take years of therapy for me to recover from this — Hee hee, God made the dinosaurs in the image of his cousin Ted…Hey cool, there's still food on my shirt I can eat!

Uncle Vernon: As I continue to shout my sister's name over and over again.

Aunt Petunia: I seem to have given up and settled for waving her off with a napkin.

iheartmwpp: Is it just me, or does this small part here almost feel like it was playing in slow motion?

Harry: I shall choose now to finally move again and get packing, literally! But not before I kick my desk/chest/thing in a rage and sit on my bed all mopey and twitchy.

iheartmwpp: OMFG, the first time we hear A Window To The Past, hands down one of my favorite tracks in the series!

James and Lily: Hey, we still look far too old to be in our early twenties! Also, cool, you actually have more than one picture of us and they decided to show it off in the film! Siriusly, none of the ones in the book are even described, ever, not even of our wedding where the description just lingered on the best man. WTF.

~Either his trunk was mostly packed already and he just unbuttoned his shirt and threw on a jacket, or the Dursleys were out shouting at the sky for longer than we thought.~  
Harry: Why am I not dragging Hedwig's cage with me? Hell, is she still even here or did I send her off to the Weasleys like in canon?

Uncle Vernon: I AM UNDERSTANDABLY FREAKING OUT! YOU SOMEHOW BRING HER BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT, BITCH!

Harry: Dude, I don't even know how I did it or how to fix it. And even if I did, I don't think I'd feel like fixing her. So nyah.

Uncle Vernon: I WILL PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOU FOR THIS!

Harry: Not while these are still rated PG, you won't. Also I have a wand.

Uncle Vernon: You're not allowed to use magic outside school!

Harry: Did at the beginning of the film and no one complained, besides every single book reader on the planet. Plus I'm obscenely pissed off right now, so it'd be a bit unwise to cross me at this point, I feel.

Uncle Vernon: Well you're probably expelled, and I'm sure no one would want to take in a freak of nature like you, considering we really don't know exactly how famous or important you are in your own world.

Dudley and Aunt Petunia: And we're still standing uselessly in the background. Is there a point to us being in the film at all?

Harry: Anywhere's better than here.

Book readers: Um, fucking blood protection, how does that work?

~Wow, I actually managed to write this chapter without going into a rant about how much I despise Aunt Marge's Waltz!~

Review or Harry will blow you up. LITERALLY!


	2. Teh SHRUNKEN HEAD THAT SHOULD DIE HORRIBLY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, something a reviewer said about a fic Raven Wolfmoon told me about one time, Obsidian Sage who totally gave me permission to quote another fic, Young Frankenstein, Family Guy, or Rifftrax.

~My God, there is such emphasis placed on the Knight Bus, when it was basically a throwaway chapter that just provided very little exposition! Why couldn't you have spent your time on something cooler and more relevant?~

iheartmwpp: And another thing; why was a blown-up Marge on the cover of the Special Features DVD? They couldn't put the face of someone a little more important? Maybe the guy the book's fucking named after, for instance?

Aunt Marge: I AM STILL SHOUTING AND FLOATING IN THE BACKGROUND, WHICH IS KIND OF HORRIFYING SINCE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE MAGIC WERE TO SUDDENLY WEAR OFF AND I PLUMMETED TO MY DEATH?

Harry: And I haven't even noticed in my RAGE. God, I just want to get away from those assholes, can't believe I never did this earlier…I just did an extremely large amount of magic, and while I wasn't blamed for Dobby's Hover Charm by the Ministry in this version, I still have no idea if I can go back to school now. Aaaand Ron is probably still in Egypt and Hermione in France, though, again, I don't know that in this version…and since I have no other friends I have nowhere else to go…WOW I'm fucked.

People who read WAY too much into things: Look, he stopped at a fork in the road! This clearly symbolizes that he has hit a crossroad in his life, and that he doesn't know which path to take!

People who couldn't care less: Kindly stop existing.

Harry: Hmm, guess I should just sit down for a while so I can try to figure out what to do with my life…Hang on, it's August, how is it cold…right, I'm in Britain, forgot…Oh sure, I pick the one streetlight that starts to lose power, what are the odds? And add ominous wind to make everything extra creepy, perfect…Okay, I guess I could buy the swings, but was the wind really strong enough to spin the spinny thingy and make the seesaw tip over?

Padfoot: *singing softly to himself* I know you…you have your mother's eyes, beneath your dad's untidy dark hair…

Harry: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Fangirls: SQUEEEEEEEEEE! *are going insane*

The very few fans who don't like Sirius: …The hell's wrong with you people?

Padfoot: Okay, so I mention in the book that I wanted a glimpse of you before I went up north, so exactly how long was I staying here? And why didn't I put two and two together and figure that something was Siriusly wrong if you had decided to run away? Was I that obsessed with revenge that I didn't even notice this? Merlin, what was Prongs thinking, Moony would've made a much better godfather…or did we stop trusting him at that point? Some backstory on why we thought he was the spy would be nice, come on already.

Harry: That barking is loud and annoying, what the hell is going on behind that bench?

Padfoot: Oh, sorry Harry, just talking to myself, I'll go now.

Harry: I point my wand at you and somehow that calls the Knight Bus! And now I'll fall over with absolutely no prompting whatsoever! What, honking, but the street's deserted…did I take some acid before I left and forgot?

Knight Bus: Well aren't we ever so convenient?

Stan: *reading from a used napkin* 'Sup, bitches? Welcome to the Knight Bus, the Wizarding transport that 'pparently exists for these exact types of situations. My name is Stan Shunpike, an' I will be a relatively 'armless bloke who'll wind up in Azkaban for goin' on 'bout how in I was wiv the Death Eaters. One has to wonder 'f I really was under the Imperius Curse or not, considering the ones who were already out went to the trouble of lettin' me out too. Could be I was just lured in by the power they promised, like most o' them were. Guess we'll never know…Still, glad Neville didn' take Lupin's advice an' Stun me instead of Disarming me, which would cause me to fall to my death an' make him a murderer. *puts napkin away, looks around* 'Ello? 'Elloooo?

Harry: Yo.

Stan: *high-pitched squeal of fear* Whut you doin' down there?

Harry: …I fell over for no adequately explained reason.

Stan: You're stupid.

Harry: So these insignificant lines are mostly quoted from the book, and yet none of the crap from the Shrieking Shack makes it into the film. I hate my life.

Stan: Well come on, then! Let's not waiT for the grass to grow.

iheartmwpp: I admittedly know next to nothing about the subtle differences in British dialects…but his sounds kind of forced. Also, who says crap like that anymore, honestly?

Harry: Hang on, let me just peak around the bus real quick, looking stupid and whipped.

Padfoot: Sorry, already went up to Hogwarts so I can wait for your best friend to get there so I can figure out some way to commit the murder I was imprisoned for.

Harry: Right, good luck with that!

Stan: Whut you looking at?

Harry: Nothing, he already left.

Stan: Well come on, then, in!

Harry: Fine, fine, sheesh, just let me get my trunk—

Stan: HANDS OFF, BITCH! Seriously, let me do my job, I wanna eat sometime this century 'f you don' mind. Now get on the fucking bus.

Harry: Kay…

Stan: OH DEAR GOD. Whut the bleedin' 'ell do you 'ave in here, dead bodies?

Harry: Only three or so, maybe a few extra limbs, but the weight probably comes mostly from the textbooks that we rarely if ever use in class.

Stan: Ah, no wonder.

Harry: …Beds? Really? This is literally the stupidest, most useless thing I've come across in my entire experience with the Wizarding World so far. The hell do people not constantly fall out of bed, they don't look like they have seatbelts, that can't be safe in the slightest! Why don't you have regular seats that people can actually hold onto and not cause them to hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns? People will still be able to sleep on those, they do all the time in the Muggle world! Hell, just look at Remus in roughly ten minutes or so, he was fine with just sleeping on train seats!

Stan: Yeah, we would 'ave all the crap you just spewed out, 'cept you forgot about the part where most of our magical crap is completely nonsensical an' impractical an' other adjectives as well.

Harry: Oy vey…Is that a chandelier?

Stan: Yep, we use it to light the place.

iheartmwpp: Am I the only one who felt the chandelier was a really stupid idea for a light source and riddikulusly dangerous to have on that kind of vehicle?

Stan: That's nice, now GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY.

Harry: Oh yeah, great customer service they've got here, everyone's always so polite, I can't wait to never come back ever. Except when I have to in Book Five, but I assure you that wasn't by choice.

Stan: An' 'ere's your ticket.

Harry: Thanks, you don't mind if they never show me paying it, do you?

Stan: Of course not, 's not like this gig pays for any of my necessities such as food or anyfink! *knocks on the window* Take 'er away, Ern!

Book readers: Yay, time for some exposition! Huh, that's a weird car-ornament-thingy—

Shrunken head: *strong Jamaican accent* Yeah, take it away, Ernie! It's going to be a bumpy ride! HAHAHAHAHA!

Book readers: …What the shit is that supposed to be.

Ernie: *was asleep at the wheel, which is just so comforting even though it's something that should never happen ever. So he wakes up abruptly, takes a really fake-looking-and-sounding bite out of a random sandwich, then starts the bus up and starts driving with absolutely no destination whatsoever. Oh yeah, I'd totally ride this thing*

iheartmwpp: *suddenly bursts out laughing* Hey, you know what Ernie's last name is? Prang. THE OTHER WHITE MEAT! *ROTFLMFAO*

Harry: Okay, who the fuck thought it'd be a good idea to put fucking wheels on the bottom of the beds so they'd just be even more dangerous and easy to fall out of and kill yourself? Also OH DEAR GOD PLEASE DON'T LET THE CHANDELIER FALL ON ME!

iheartmwpp: I just noticed an ad for Black Pepper Imps. Yay Honeydukes candy! Damn it, I wanna go to the Wizarding World sooooo badly…Also I recently found an old trailer for this movie that had Harry ask if this was a bit dangerous and Stan said that they hadn't had an accident in about a week. With all the other pointless shit they kept in I was surprised that was cut.

Stan: What did you say your name was again?

Harry: I didn't and I'm not going to use Neville's this time, therefore decreasing the fear I have that I'm a wanted fugitive for blowing someone up, sending her into the stratosphere, and refusing to set her right again. If it were anyone else, that probably would make them the villain.

Stan: An' I seem to be fine wiv not asking you your name ever again. So whereabouts're you 'eaded?

Shrunken head: HAH! HEADED! Lol.

Audience: Why are you even here?

Harry: The Leaky Cauldron. That's in London.

Stan: …Kid, every single wizard in the United Kingdom knows where the bloody Leaky Cauldron is.

Shrunken Head: Hey, pointless joke about the pea soup that goes nowhere!

Ernie: Wah, no fair, in the book I totally gave some really decent and necessary exposition, why do I have absolutely no lines in this movie?

Harry: Yet another stupid question I should probably know the answer to, but can't Muggles see us?

Stan: MAGIC. You fink you'd 'ave figured that out by now, dumbass. Also I seem to be a wee bit racist.

Obsidian Sage in a different epic-tastic third movie parody type thing: *sings to the tune of The Wheels on the Bus* The mangled shrunken head shouts lots of crap, lots of crap, lots of crap…

Harry: Oh hello, window, I don't believe I've introduced you to my face.

Scene with the old woman: *OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS SEQUENCE TAKING SO LONG? AND WOULD SOMEONE SHUT THAT GODDAMN HEAD UP?*

Ernie: OM NOM NOM.

iheartmwpp: Let's just ignore the fact that I totally counted down just like this for several months after seeing the film for the first time and go back to me HATING THAT FUCKING HEAD WITH A PASSION. WHY DID THEY BRING IT BACK FOR THE INTERVIEWS, IT WAS FUCKING ANNOYING.

Harry: And I'm falling all over the bed again. You'd think a transport full of beds would be a dream come true for people wanting to shag, but they'd probably get severely injured in the process. Actually, not even in the process, just in general, this is so horribly unsafe and I don't much like it.

Sirius's wanted poster: I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE!

Harry: Who is that and why is he screaming into the camera like that if he ever wanted any chance to get out of there and prove his innocence?

Stan: Wiv it being such front page news an' all, you'd fink I wouldn' 'ave to look at the cover page to remind meself whut 'appened. Also, I can' believe you don' know 'oo this bloke is! That is Sirius Black, that is!

Sirius's wanted poster: CAN I HAVE A HUG? I'M REALLY QUITE LONELY!

People who actually remember crap from the first chapter of the first book their first time reading the series…first: …Wait…wasn't that the guy who gave Hagrid the motorbike to give to Harry? OMFG JKR PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING OUT! *brain explodes*

Stan: Don' tell me you've never been 'earing of Sirius Black! Whut, were you raised by Muggles or summat, you ignorant twat?

Harry: Racist bitchface. So you gonna fill me and the audience in or what?

Stan: 'Ang on, let me just lean in far too close. 'E's a muuuuuurderer. Got 'imself locked up in Azkaban for it, 'ence the title of the book. An' I refuse to tell you the exact circumstances.

Harry: Here's a valid question that will never be answered in this version! How did he escape?

Stan: Well that's the question, isn't it? *puts hand on Harry's chest*

Harry: OH GOD BAD TOUCH! I NEED AN ADULT, I NEED AN ADULT!

Shrunken head: Hey, I'm an adult!

Harry: I'm so screwed.

Stan: Whutever, anyway, 'e's the first one that done it! *really creepy whisper* 'E was a big supporter of…That-Guy-Who-Don'-Make-An-Appearance-In-This-Installment-For-The-First-Time-In-The-Series. Reckon you've 'eard of 'im.

Harry: Well he's only the man who killed my parents while they were unable to defend themselves, plus I had to fight him twice in as many years…so nope, not at all.

Scene with the Knight Bus going between the other two buses: *is completely unnecessary, that's another thirty-two seconds that could've been used on the Marauder backstory. Sounds like such a short amount of time, doesn't it? Watch the scene again, it feels like several minutes of shit we don't care about*

iheartmwpp: *watching a deleted scene* Hey, another twenty-two seconds of pointlessness that was thankfully cut from the final bit, we really didn't need any more of that stupid head shouting lame puns or Harry nearly falling out of his bed or whatever that shit was supposed to be.

Shrunken head: *IS ENTIRELY POINTLESS! STOP EXISTING!*

Harry: I'm really sorry, window, my face just isn't ready for that kind of commitment.

Knight Bus: *nudges a car ever so slightly, causing its alarm to go off. And no Muggles notice. What the fuck is wrong with this movie?*

Stan: Now GTFO.

Shrunken Head: Apparently we have other passengers on this bus that want to get off in Knockturn Alley. We must be such trustworthy people.

Filmmakers: You know what this needs? A little hunchbacked bald man!

Audience: What…what happened? WHO IS HE? What…what could the reason possibly be for this, WHY?

iheartmwpp: No, seriously, why?

Tom: I have no idea, I used to be this sweet old guy and now I'm this freak. Which makes the fact that I was apparently expecting you more than a little creepy. Also note how my eyes move up and down while greeting you.

Harry: Um…

The Knight Bus: *FINALLY FUCKING LEAVES! WHY THE FUCK IS SO MUCH EMPHASIS PLACED ON THIS THING, WHICH WAS AROUND FOR LESS THAN A CHAPTER, AND NOT ENOUGH ON THE MARAUDER BACKSTORY WHICH WAS FOR MORE THAN THREE CHAPTERS AND IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT TO THE OVERALL PLOT OF THE BOOKS?*

Harry: And apparently I've never seen the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron in my life.

Tom: The thing with the witch stirring a cauldron is probably new, though. Man this is painful, I'm already bending over so it doesn't look like I'm bowing to you at all.

Harry: You know, since most of us are, in fact, wizards who can do crazy, crazy shit with magic, you could probably get someone to help you with that hump.

Tom: What hump?

Harry: …

Tom: …

Harry: …Let's go!

Tom: Right, just let me silence this car alarm real quick before any Muggles do notice.

Harry: …The crap do you know how car alarms work?

Tom: Just shut up and enjoy the movie.

Harry: Well I'm finding it a bit difficult at the moment. Hope it gets better soon, I can't wait for later parts in the book, like the Quidditch Final and my first crush and learning more about my father and his friends—

Filmmakers: *die of laughter* HA! Good one!

Harry: …I wasn't joking.

Filmmakers: Oh. Um…

~And now for thirteen seconds of pure pointlessness in which everyone can spontaneously do wandless magic for no reason. This will never be addressed after this movie, nor anywhere in the books apart from very select cases used by very powerful wizards.~

Harry: Hedwig! Did you come here from the Weasleys or did I leave you behind at the Dursleys and you miraculously escaped from your cage somehow?

Hedwig: Hell if I know.

Tom: Right smart bird you got there, Mr. Potter. He—

Harry: She. Hedwig's a girl.

Tom: Whatever, but it actually is a bit weird how she always conveniently knows exactly where to go and when to show up. That's probably not normal in the slightest, even by our weird-ass standards of owls, and only gives further evidence to those convinced that Hedwig's also an unregistered Animagus. Though after this installment, absolutely every animal who has ever been introduced ever is automatically suspected of being one. I think even Fawkes was accused at one point, and one popular theory had Lily be alive and be either Hedwig or Crookshanks. Which is messed up, I'm pretty sure she'd let her only child know she was still alive.

Fudge: Hem hem, stop talking about fan theories, they interest no one. So as the Minister for Magic, it is my duty—

Harry: Heh heh, duty.

Fudge: —to inform you that your uncle's sister was located circling some random chimney stack somewhere—

Tom: Allow me to grab you roughly and shove you into a chair, being sure to fondle your torso in the process.

Harry: Oh God, um…Uh, Minister, this man is making me incredibly uncomfortable, perhaps if you were to ask him to leave…

Fudge: —and screaming at the top of her lungs. Miraculously, no other Muggles heard it, and so we stuck a needle into her, letting all the air out. She's gained a bit of weight—

Tom: Would you like any of this lovely food that I assure you isn't drugged in any way?

Harry: N-No, thank you, um, M-Minister? A little help, please?

Fudge: —due to all the excess skin that's been stretched out, but otherwise, her memory has been modified, which as you know, we can do whenever we want with absolutely no consequences whatsoever.

Tom: So I was talking to Fenrir the other day, and—

Harry: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?!

Fudge: And I'm sure you're ever so thrilled to know that your aunt is quite all right. So, that's that—

Rifftrax: And this is this.

Fudge: And no harm done, besides continuing to horribly scar your Muggle relatives for life, even though most people would argue that they deserved it. Also, due to being immensely relieved—

Tom: Why am I suddenly such a groveling little bitch, being worse than even Wormtail next film, and what the hell is it with me and the nuts?

Harry: I don't know, but I'm more freaked out than ever.

Fudge: —that you're all right, in addition to being the famous Harry Potter, I won't even bother to ask what your motivations were, even though in most circumstances this would be taken as sign of being severely unbalanced and violent where you just blow up relatives for no reason. Why didn't I use that two years from now, considering I had no idea about the backstory of this event? But hey, look on the bright side! I'm not a complete asshole yet!

Harry: …You're keeping important information from me that might've stopped me from trying to figure out everything for myself and putting myself in danger by doing so — like every other year ever — and you arrested Hagrid last year just to make it look like you were doing something.

Fudge: …Pea soup?

Harry: THIS GOES NOWHERE BEYOND THIS, WHY THE FUCK DID THE HEAD MENTION IT WHEN IT HAS NO IMPACT ON THE STORY? WHY?!?!?$(#! Anyway, I don't understand.

Fudge: Understand? I say in a way that makes me seem mentally retarded. After all, it's not as though we're just letting you off the hook for something we probably would punish people for!

Harry: That's just it, I broke the law. Underage wizards aren't allowed to use magic at home.

Audience: …Then what were you doing at the beginning of the film? You're just contradicting yourself now! Just pick a thing and stick with it! Gah, you guys don't care about the story at all, do you?

Fudge: Oh come now, Harry, the Ministry doesn't send people to Azkaban for…actually, we very well might send people to Azkaban for blowing up their aunts, but since it's you and the victim was a Muggle, I see no reason whatsoever to blame you for anything.

Audience: Well if you're not gonna punish him for that, punish him for practicing that noncanon spell in the beginning of the film! Can we have at least some level of consistency here?

Tom: *does the stupidest laugh ever*

Fudge: Why are you even here.

Tom: I honestly don't know.

Fudge: On the other hand, running away like that, given the state of things, was very, very irresponsible.

Harry: …Did you not get the gist that I thought I would be chucked in Azkaban for this? Or at the very least expelled?

Fudge: You don't understand, we have a killer on the loose. Better to be expelled or in Azkaban and stay alive than be murdered, right?

Harry: Nope! Much rather be dead than the other two scenarios. 'Sides, you're talking about Sirius Black, right?

Fudge: I open and close my mouth without saying anything in response.

Harry: What's he got to do with me, besides the fact that I'm aware that people consider him a major supporter of Voldemort—

Fudge: Don't say his name!

Harry: Bitch I do what I want! And of course supporters of Voldemort have absolutely no reason to come after me, the last one I met didn't have a problem with me at all, nor did he try to plant an object that would kill half the school into one of my friends' hands!

Fudge: You're absolutely right, my boy! And there are certainly no other reasons he would come after you either, I promise you that! You're safe, and that's what will always be most important until two years from now, then I won't give a shit. Have a pointless handshake that really should have taken place at the beginning of our talk so it wouldn't look so out of place. And tomorrow, you'll be on your way back to Hogwarts, because it's always late August in the films. Also apparently I got my hands on your booklist and already bought everything you needed already.

Tom: Ta-da!

Audience: Why are you even here and why won't the camera move away from your hideous face?

Harry: Wait, you went through my mail? Even this far back?

Fudge: Of course n…Yeah, probably.

Harry: Great.

Fudge: Now Tom will show you to your room.

Harry: Um…sir…c-could he not? I really don't feel comfortable—

Tom: As I shove your chair and pull you up by your shirt.

Harry: OH GOD PLEASE NO! HEDWIG, SAVE ME!

Hedwig: I'm on it, boss! *claws Tom's eyes out*

Tom: All right, all right! I get it! No more manhandling small children!

Fudge: Oh, and it would probably be a good idea if you stayed in the pub until tomorrow, in case Black does go on a killing rampage again; I'd rather you not die at the moment.

Harry: Fair enough.

~Did that quill in the background record everything they were saying?~

Review or next chapter will be a Fang/Padfoot lemon oneshot. Yes, you read that correctly.


	3. Teh TWINS ACTUALLY SUCK AT COMIC RELIEF

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, the Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom song, or Rifftrax. Plus credit for one of Sirius's wanted poster's lines goes to Raven Wolfmoon. Skype conversations are fun!

~I encourage everyone to listen to the Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom song the next time they watch this scene. YouTube it if you don't know what I'm talking about and be prepared to squee.~

iheartmwpp: And then Harry gets eaten by a book. Yes, it was in Book Three, but it really, really didn't have to be this long. Or even in the film at all, that's another one minute and twelve seconds that could've been spent on the Marauder backstory. It always seems so short, doesn't it? Yet it drags on forever…And another thing; this scene got an entire track composed by John Williams, and yet that theme that always plays when we used to think Sirius was evil that swapped to Peter when we found out he was evil was absolutely nowhere on the soundtrack, not even at the end of Mischief Managed, when it was at the end of the credits in the film. Uncool.

~Hold up, since when are brooms actually used for sweeping floors in this world?~

Random maid person: Housekeeping.

Door: *opens, and I'm actually quite curious as to what exactly was going on in that room*

Random maid person: I'll come back later.

iheartmwpp: *snort* Okay, that was still pointless, but it was pretty funny.

Harry: Note to self: Never get a room here again.

Scabbers: You'll never take me alive!

Crookshanks: Get back here, I know you're not actually a rat! I KEEL YOU!

Scabbers: I don't know what you're talking about! DON'T EAT ME!

Harry: Wow, Scabbers suddenly looks really bad, hope he's okay. And where the hell did that cat come from.

~Jesus, those guys are talking loudly, it's a wonder no one asks them to quiet down, there are other guests at the Leaky cauldron.~

Ron: I'm warning you, Hermione! Keep that bloody beast of yours away from Scabbers, or I'll show off advanced Transfiguration knowledge that no one knew I possessed and turn him into a tea cozy! I mean honestly, it's trying to eat my pet here!

Hermione: It's a cat, Ronald, what do you expect, it's in his nature.

Ron: …Exactly! One of your best friends owns a rat, you know how much he loves that old thing even if he's always complaining about it, and you said yourself that it's in a cat's nature to chase rats. So what do you do? Buy a cat. It's actually worse in the book since the first thing you see Crookshanks do is go after Scabbers, and you see me run terrified after him to see if he's all right, and you still buy him! Great judgment there, Hermione, just brilliant, what great friends we are in this installment.

Hermione: Crookshanks ends up being really important later, though! He befriends Sirius and helps him get to Peter, sort of!

Ron: Yeah, but that's so totally not happening in the film, so Crookshanks is completely useless—Harry!

Hermione: *turning around* Harry!

Random witch: We're out of gizzard, horse radish, pickled earmuffs, hedge trimmers, sheep, dust bunnies, and hippogriff spleens. How are we gonna make the special stew now?

Harry: Hi, Ron, hi…who are you?

Hermione: …It's me, Hermione.

Harry: What…you're hot! And your hair is perfectly stylish and not bushy in the least! That is so not canon till the middle of book four when you suddenly have a pretty dress and make-up and fix your hair and stuff!

Hermione: Yeah, but Emma Watson hit puberty, so Warner Bros. decided to sexualize my character as much as they could, creating some really frustrating changes that make me ridiculously OOC.

~We had a discussion in one of my college classes about the series, and all one of the guys could talk about was how hot Emma was, wondering whether or not she was legal.~

Picture of the Weasleys in the Prophet: Hey! Remember when this was important to the plot? Neither do we!

Random guy playing Bill: I shall soon be recast by Mad-Eye's actor's son! Hooray!

Charlie: I am basically unimportant to this series as a whole! Hooray!

Scabbers: Boy, I do hope that Sirius doesn't get a copy of this edition of the paper while in Azkaban and see me in this picture! That would suck a whole lot. Actually, does Remus not get the paper or something? Can he just not afford it? Or was it because Sirius hadn't received any kind of information in over a decade that he combed through it as attentively as possible and that's how he noticed me?

Harry: Wow, you actually got to travel outside the country and gain a different perspective of the world around you! What was it like?

Ron: Well mostly we just looked at dead bodies, and Bill did show us some old tombs, but we didn't really learn much about Egypt's current culture apart from the tourist-y bits that most people are already aware of; the Sphinx, the pyramids, etc.

Hermione: You know the Egyptians used to worship cats?

Ron: Sure did! Want to know how they mummified them? First they removed the organs, then they stuffed the bodies with sand—

Hermione: OKAY that's enough. *cuddles Crookshanks*

Crookshanks: I am most displeased with this situation. Hey, can I eat that guy? He's not really a rat anyway, I'd be doing you a favor, really.

Scabbers: Don't listen to him, I'm shockingly way cuter!

Harry: How old is that rat, anyway? You'd think he'd be reaching the end of his life about now.

Ron: Nah, that's not for another four years or so, but he's been in my family for, like…a hundred years. In fact, I think my parents found him the same night your parents died!

Harry: Weird.

Ron: I know, weird!

Hermione: So you should really be okay with the thought of him passing on soon.

Ron: …Or I could not, seeing as he is my pet and I love him, the way you clearly love your cat already even though you just bought him like an hour ago, so you should understand how I feel! Though you'd think that being there for so long and listening to all the stuff my older brother, who I clearly admire, said to me would mean that I know that the Egyptians also worshipped the scarab beetle, not the dung beetle. Meh, I probably threw that in there as an extra insult.

George: Ron, quit flashing that clipping about, that subplot's being cut anyway, the filmmakers don't want to go out of there way to explain how such a top-security prisoner managed to escape from Azkaban to those who haven't read the books.

Ron: Oops. Don't worry, I haven't shown that many people, despite the fact that I'm so desperate for any kind of attention that might bolster my self-esteem in any way. And you two certainly don't help, you know!

Fred: Shut it, would you, we have to start the rather annoying habit of saying every other word for the rest of the movie.

George: Which is completely pointless and rather distracting, iheart has known a few pairs of twins in her time and they most certainly do not talk like this.

Fred: The most we do in the books is just finish each other's sentences—

George: —which makes a great deal more sense then just randomly gaining the ability to

Fred: —psychically—

George: —know—

Fred: —every—

George: —other—

Fred: —word—

George: —that—

Fred: —the—

George: —other—

Fred: —twin—

George: —is—

Fred: —about—

George: —to—

Gred and Forge: —say.

Harry: Dear sweet Merlin, please don't let that continue for the rest of the movie.

Fred: Yeah—

George: —well—

Fred: —tough—

George: —shit.

Harry: Sigh.

Ron: Try putting up with that crap during the entire trip to Egypt.

Hermione: What, they weren't doing that their whole lives?

Ron: Nah, just this past summer when they decided they were going to actually do something in these movies aside from hang about in the background.

Hermione: Well that's one good thing, isn't it?

Ron: Only if the comic relief they're trying to provide is actually good. So basically not until next film, really.

Harry: Pity. Also who's controlling that random floating tea pot above the table, anyway.

Molly: HARRY!

Harry: Gaaah! Oh, Mrs. Weasley, sorry.

Molly: It's so good to see my seventh son again.

Ron: Knew it! I knew she'd replace me with you!

Molly: I said seventh son, not seventh child, learn to listen.

Harry: Since you're my only surrogate mother figure, I must say it's great to see you too!

Molly: And now for an entirely new experience for you, my poor orphaned boy! Me nagging you to make sure you didn't forget anything even though it's obvious you didn't!

Harry: I'm sure everyone else on the planet who has a mother would want to stab said mother's eyes out every time they asked them if they had everything they needed, but I find it quite charming and I only wish I could be as annoyed as everyone else.

Molly: Good boy!

Harry: Yay, I actually feel loved!

Arthur: Harry Potter. Why I said your full name is unclear to me, but there you go.

Harry: Mr. Weasley, who I'm not quite as ecstatic to see as I have quite a few father figures. But, since you're the only one besides, I suppose, Hagrid, who actually lives, I guess it's cool. *shakes hand*

Molly: You two have your guy talk, I'll be annoying the rest of my kids.

Harry: Kay, have fun with that.

Arthur: Harry, wonder if I might have a word?

Harry: …Since I'm hitting puberty and don't have an actual father figure yet aside from Dumbledore and that would just be awkward, you're not going to give me The Talk, are you?

Arthur: Good God, no! Though…do you ever get that? It sounds like that's a bit of a large hole in a teenager's life, JKR should've had Sirius or whoever at least take you aside and not mention anything else, at the very least.

Harry: Meh, I'm sure Ginny will fill me in on anything I might've missed.

Arthur: I did not need to hear that.

Harry: Oops…sorry…

Arthur: Whatever. Also I apparently I greet Hermione here, but iheart was always convinced I shouted out "Money!" for no reason.

Hermione: Hot doors.

Arthur: Anyway, looking forward to a new term?

Harry: Hells yeah! No one is actually trying to kill me this year even though everyone thinks someone is, we have a DADA professor who can actually teach and gives a damn about us, he tells me a bit about my dad, we get to play sooo much Quidditch—

Filmmakers: Again with us unable to breathe from laughter at those last two points!

Sirius's wanted poster: DO I LOOK BETTER FROM THIS SIDE?! HOW ABOUT THIS SIDE?!

Arthur: So Harry, remember how pretty much everyone in the entire series always assumes you're either too young or too inexperienced to handle certain knowledge, forcing you to find out crap on your own and constantly endangering the lives of yourselves and others in the process and therefore rendering the adults' actions as entirely pointless?

Harry: You have no idea.

Arthur: Well guess what? In this version you don't have to go through with the eavesdropping bullshit until later!

Random group of wizards: Yo, mind if we walk casually behind you, forcing you to move somewhere else and look even more suspicious by doing so?

Arthur: Do I have a choice? So yeah, I'm just gonna flat-out tell you that you're in danger. Horrible, possibly fatal danger, somehow making this different from any other year that you will ever experience at Hogwarts except not at all.

Harry: Shocker. Has this anything to do with the title of the book, sir?

Arthur: Funnily enough, it does. What do you know of Sirius Black, Harry?

Harry: Only that he's escaped from Azkaban. And that he supported Voldemort, but that's not worth mentioning. Plus in the book, by this point I knew he killed thirteen people with one curse, but that really doesn't matter to the overall plot of the series in the slightest.

Filmmakers: Now you're beginning to understand!

Arthur: Do you know why he escaped?

Harry: Because Azkaban is literal hell on Earth and our Ministry likes to subject its criminals to severe mental and emotional torture, the likes of which would seem incredibly immoral to most people, no matter how trivial the crime and often without even caring whether said criminal is even guilty or not?

Arthur: Actually, thirteen years ago—

ENTIRE FANDOM: TWELVE! READ THE DAMN BOOKS!

Arthur: When you stopped…

Harry: Voldemort?

Arthur: Don't say it!

Harry: Pussy.

Arthur: Shut up. When you stopped…He-Who-Is-Currently-A-Shapeless-Mass-Of-Incorporeal-Soul-Stuff-Floating-Around-Somewhere-In-Albania-Which-Is-Really-Far-Away-From-Us-So-I-Really-Don't-Know-Why-We're-So-Freaked-Out-At-This-Point, Black lost everything.

Book readers: True enough, though he did have one friend and a godson left, but—

Random witch and wizard: Hello, we're just going to amble past, completely out of earshot and not paying any attention to you whatsoever.

Arthur: Which is my cue to take Harry by the shoulders and move him even further out of earshot, all while looking highly suspicious as to what exactly my intentions really are.

Harry: Oh not again.

Arthur: So yes, Black still remains a faithful servant. And, in his mind, you are the only thing that stands in the way of…

Random guy in a bowler hat who is shockingly not Fudge: 'Sup, just off to bake some goblins into pies and cause massive confusion for the Quibbler.

Percy: Right, have fun with that. *gets tea from Mysterious Floating Tea Pot of DOOM*

Sirius's wanted poster: IT'S ODD HOW EACH OF MY POSTERS HAS THE EXACT SAME MOVEMENTS!

Arthur: …The-Guy-Who-Would-Have-Looked-Really-Really-Weird-Coming-Out-Of-The-Back-Of-David-Thewlis's-Head-Because-No-Matter-How-Many-Times-I-Watch-That-Interview-I-Cannot-See-Him-Playing-Quirrell returning to power.

Harry: Riiiight…And exactly how have you come to this conclusion?

Arthur: Well, Black has been muttering "He's at Hogwarts, he's at Hogwarts" in his sleep for some time now.

Harry: Okay, that narrows it down to generally anyone with testicles who happens to be at Hogwarts. You sure he doesn't just want to finish Snape off or something?

Arthur: Nope! It has to be you! And that's why he has escaped from Azkaban. To find you.

Harry: And kill me. I know I should probably be more freaked out, but this isn't a slight on Dan's acting for once, I'm just Siriusly desensitized to death threats now.

Arthur: And now to offer you the worst possible advice ever! I want you to swear to me that, no matter what you might hear, you won't go looking for Black.

Harry: Why would I do that? Does everyone think that he betrayed my parents' location to Voldemort and he's the reason I grew up alone and unloved?

Arthur: …No…

Harry: Then why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me, other than finally ending the damn war once and for all? No, Siriusly, tell me.

Rifftrax: And please answer me before it cuts away again, I—Damn it!

~Did Arthur just refuse to tell him and Harry left it at that? Because that makes no sense and goes completely against Harry's character.~

Review or the Weasley twins will test their products on you.


	4. Teh MARAUDER FANGURLZ REJOICE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, my friends Ann and Raven Wolfmoon whose lines I stole, Gurren Lagann, and Rifftrax.

~I'm still pissed off that the scene change just cut Harry off from demanding more of an explanation from Arthur.~

Scabbers: I'm so clearly animatronic it's not even funny!

Molly: Exactly when did we attempt to introduce this new "Ron doesn't properly look after his pets" thing? It's not really going to work anyway, I don't know what they're playing at.

Ron: Scabbers? How'd you get away, I usually take really good care of you! Why are the films trying to portray me as a useless lump with no clue what he's doing?

Molly: Bye! Try not to get in any kind of mortal danger this year!

Reckless Trio of Adventure: *gigglesnort*

Harry: Presumably I was just explaining what happened when I blew up my aunt. To conclude, she called my mother a bitch and I naturally lost what little control I had left.

Ron: Good for you, mate!

Hermione: Honestly, Ron, I can't believe you guys always do this! When someone insults you or your loved ones, you're supposed to ignore them in order to discourage them so they get bored with you and leave you alone.

Harry: Yeah, only that never works, and it's seriously hurtful and degrading.

Ron: I also think it's a bit sexist how me and Harry always blow up at Malfoy whenever he insults us or our parents, but whenever he calls you Mudblood or insults your parents you just stare at him in shock as if you continuously hear it for the first time while we blow up on your behalf. Why exactly is that?

Hermione: Because women are supposed to be these submissive creatures that just take things as they come and deal with them while the men are supposed to be more aggressive and retaliate?

Ron: Yeah, fuck that shit, that's just not fair to anyone involved.

Lupin: *appears for the first time in the series, completely covered by his cloak so we can't even see his face*

Fangirls: *rejoice nonetheless* SQUEEEEEEEEE! OHMIGOD I WANT UR BABIEZ! *and it is scary*

Scabbers: …That's not…Oh God, um, can we not sit here? Please? 'Cause it would be totally awesome if we could just go somewhere else.

Hermione: Come on. Everywhere else is full, I say as if we've already checked the entire damn train.

Scabbers: Yeah, uh, again with us not going in this one. I'd really, really like it if we could just squeeze in with someone else. Please God, for the love of all that is good in this world, let's go away from here.

Ron: Oi, Scabbers, ease up, would you? There's nothing to worry about…actually, who is this guy, anyway?

Hermione: Professor R. J. Lupin.

Harry: Why don't I recognize that name, or ask after any of my parents' old friends so I could recognize that name? Wah-face.

Ron: …Since when did you gain psychic abilities, Hermione?

Hermione: It's on his suitcase, Ronald.

Ron: Don't take that condescending tone with me, young lady! I was trying to keep Scabbers from jumping out the window in a panic, you can't expect me to pay close attention to absolutely everything in the compartment when I'm so worried for my beloved pet! Who I've had for the past two years and love dearly and don't want him eaten, I feel I should remind the person who just bought a friggin' cat.

Harry: Why are the letters on the suitcase described as peeling in the books, anyway? Especially considering he just got the teaching gig this year. Or did one of the other three give it to him years ago as an inside joke because he was a good tutor at school or something?

Ron: JKR probably just wanted to reinforce that he's poorer than even my family. I mean, he's really thin, too, and looks like death warmed over. In our first lesson, he's described as looking marginally better because he was able to eat some Hogwarts food. Comparatively, my family's way better off, since we always manage to feed not only ourselves, but whoever else happens to show up. *coughyoutwocough*

Harry: Lovely. Let us thank the Ministry for starving one of my dad's closest friends by eternally denying him paid work. So do you reckon he's really asleep?

Hermione: I have absolutely no idea. Why?

Harry: Well he probably already knows anyway, so I guess I can still tell you. *shuts door…OMINOUSLY!*

~Much later that afternoon, when it's dark and the weather's changed significantly enough to be pouring buckets, they at last finish the conversation which can't have taken longer than a few minutes.~

Ron: Let me get this straight. The Ministry is of the opinion that Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban to come after you?

Harry: That is the gist of the plot of this particular installment, yes.

Hermione: The fact that I still have faith in our government at this point is rather comically endearing.

Ron: Normally I'd agree with you, but the point remains that no one's escaped from Azkaban before, at least not that anyone knows of, and he's a murderous raving lunatic.

Harry: You're adorable, you know that?

Hermione: Wait, I know we find out he supposedly killed Peter Pettigrew later, but why do people think he's a murderous raving lunatic if we only hear about him killing just the one person?

Ron: Well, in the book it's explained that when he killed Peter he also blew up a street full of Muggles — calm down, Scabbers, honestly, what's wrong with you? — but we're totally not gonna mention that in this version, they were Muggles so they're unimportant anyway.

Hermione: Huh. I should take offense to that, but even I seem to be prejudiced against Muggles later on. I could've just sat my parents down and explained the situation, but instead I just wipe their memories with no warning. What a charming daughter I am.

Train: Oh son of a fuck nut.

Lupin: *is still sleeping…OMINOUSLY. Also, is that a bottle of vodka or something? Didn't know he was much of a drinker, though he's certainly got enough reason to be*

Hermione: Okay, seriously, unless there's a Death Eater who feels like being overly dramatic standing in the middle of the train tracks in front of us, we should have absolutely no reason to stop.

Harry: Oh fine, I'll check to see what's going on, since I'm the guy I always have to do everything—HOLY CRAP the train hates me.

Ron: I am legitimately concerned about our current situation.

Door: *shuts on its own…OMINOUSLY*

Harry: The train breaking down would be a logical explanation if this world didn't revolve around magic.

Ron: Last year. Dad's car.

Harry: …Touché.

Lights: We go sleep nowz.

Hermione: Ouch, Ron, even though you're sitting a foot away from me and you clearly only moved further away from me, in the interest of including lines from the book you still somehow managed to hit my foot!

Ron: Am I the only one who can actually say things and make them sound like sentences people would say and not as if they were being read from a cue card? Also I think there's something moving outside, as I press my hand to the window and refuse to move it for some stupid reason that I really can't fathom.

Book readers: Okay, so the train stopped in order to let the dementors on. Is there really a reason why each individual light in each individual compartment has to go out one by one? 'Cause that's kind of dumb.

Filmmakers: It is you who is dumb!

Ron: Ah, my hand was up so you could still see which compartment we were in when the lights pointlessly went out. And from what I can't see due to the pouring rain, I think someone's coming aboard.

Harry: Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if it was Sirius? We could get all this shit over with so quickly if it were!

Lupin: Seconded.

Harry: Wait, what?

Lupin: Nothing, I'm sleeping.

Harry: Ah, right then.

Hermione: Okay, Siriusly, why does the train keep lurching like this? Dementors would just glide over the floor anyway, there's no need for this! Huh, what's with the sudden decrease in temperature anyway? I can see my own breath!

Ron: That's nothing, look at the window! It's all frosting over and stuff! Even this Lupin guy's alcohol is frozen now! I…I can't feel my hand anymore…

Harry: This does not bode well.

Concerned parents: This isn't a horror movie, is it?

Annoyed kids: Oh yeah, and the snakes and spiders from last film were fluffy and adorable. *eyeroll*

Hermione: These reaction shots are starting to drag a bit.

Ron: Oh thank God for that one last train lurch, I thought I'd never be able to get my hand removed from the window!

Harry: Yo, Moony, mind waking up and getting a preemptive shot at saving our asses like you did in the book?

Lupin: Nah, I'm still asleep.

Harry: Fine, fuck you, then, we'll deal with this ourselves! As usual! *grumbling* Useless adults, you can't trust any of them…

Creepy floating cloak thing: Haaaaaaaaai.

Freaked Out Trio of Terrifiedness: …Mummy…

Book readers: …Since when do dementors know wandless magic as well? How was it able to open the door like that, Siriusly.

Dementor: Hang on, let me just put my slimy-ass hand on the door in order for you lot to wet yourselves with fear before immediately dropping it again.

Harry: Congrats, it totally worked.

Book readers: Wait, wait, wait. We'll give you the creepy slimy hand thing, but dementors are supposed to be these cloaked freaks, not a black sheet draped over a skeleton!

Filmmakers: Well if the Lord of the Rings movies hadn't been made at roughly the same time that we were making these, things would be different, wouldn't they? We had to improvise with what we could!

Ron and Hermione: BEGONE, DEMON!

Crookshanks: I hiss at yo face, bitch!

Scabbers: So this is what I subjected Sirius to for twelve years…Meh, least it wasn't me!

Dementor: Aww, that's cute, they think they'll have some kind of effect on me—Hey look! Food! OM NOM NOM.

Harry: What are you—OH GOD NOT THE FACE!

Mature book readers: Whoa, they're making one of them Kiss Harry already?

Currently confused book readers: What are you talking about, it's more like it's trying to suck his face off or something.

Mature book readers: Exactly! They're sucking face! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Currently annoyed book readers: That was pathetically lame.

iheartmwpp: In that same vein, it looks like Harry gives good head. XD

Parody readers: …The fuck is wrong with you?

iheartmwpp: Do you want the short list or the long?

ALL book reades: So is the blurry face crap the dementor is sucking out supposed to be a visual representation of happiness or something? You'd think it'd be a bit more cheerful than some crappy fog stuff.

Harry: Cold…bloody cold…losing…sense of…self…

Dementor: Holy shit, I hit the jackpot! Which makes absolutely no sense if you think about it. I mean, I know we're supposed to be a physical manifestation of depression, but what we are described to do and what we actually do don't really add up. We're supposed to feast on happiness and leave a person with nothing but their worst memories, and yet somehow we have a greater effect on people with really shitty lives. Shouldn't we have a greater effect on those whose lives are completely perfect, meaning they're happier and we'd have more to feed on? Why would we be so obsessed with some kid who barely has any happiness in his life? Unless we're just attracted to him because he's basically got an extra eighth of a soul in him or something.

Harry: Don't…really…care…Moony…you can…wake up…any…time now…

Lupin: Sigh, fine. Now then, either I really did just wake up and miraculously managed to do a nonverbal Patronus Charm instantaneously upon standing — and I don't consider myself an expert on fighting dementors, right, sure, whatever — or I've been awake this whole time, which is a popular fan theory, and decided to just let a dementor attempt to suck out my best friend's son's soul for a bit before taking any kind of action whatsoever. TRULY I AM ONE OF THE MOST CARING CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES!

iheartmwpp: …That's not the sexy motherfucker of my dreams…

David Thewlis: Yeah, but I'm still fucking awesome as this guy.

iheartmwpp: Hmm. OKAY! *glomps*

Lupin: So yeah. Expecto patronum and all that good shit.

Dementor: AAAAAH! THE LIGHT! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES…Wait, how am I not being equally as effective against you, as it could be argued that you have an even worse life than this kid?

Lupin: I expect that I've just had longer to come to terms with things. Besides, *smirks* just who the hell do you think I am?

Dementor: *flees from the guy who taught us exactly how to fight them with Patronuses in the first place*

Lily: I shall randomly just shout my son's name for the rest of the movie, and not mention the fact that I died begging Voldemort to spare his life while he demanded that I move. It's not all that important to the ENTIRE FUCKING PLOT OF THE SERIES, after all.

Audience: THERE IS A GIANT EYEBALL! AND IT IS LOOKING AT US!

~Scabbers is totally absent from the rest of the scene, he probably noticed Remus wake up and dove for cover.~

Hermione: Harry! Harry are you all right, I say when he's still clearly unconscious. Might have helped more if I was demanding that he wake up or something.

Ron: Why do I appear to not be as worried, even though it was probably me who was slapping him awake in the book?

~We interrupt this stupidity to bring you something slightly related to that above comment from a Skype conversation a while back…~

iheartmwpp says: So I'm dyslexic, and even that might be spelled wrong. I meant to say that Sasuke SLAPPED himself...

iheartmwpp says: ...but I typed Sasuke SPALLED himself.

Raven Wolfmoon says: AHAHAHA whatever THAT means

iheartmwpp says: I have no idea.

Raven Wolfmoon says: Naruto: Sasuke, did you mean that you spelled yourself? As in you spelled your name aloud or something?

Raven Wolfmoon says: Sasuke: NO! I hit myself with a spatula. It's called SPALLING

iheartmwpp says: THANK YOU FOR THE OMAKE!

~We now return you to your previously scheduled crap.~

Harry: …Whu…what happened HOLY CRAP UGLY CAT IN MY FACE. Did not need that.

Crookshanks: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

Hermione: Shut up and put your glasses back on, they're practically the only way you'll ever be recognizable anyway.

iheartmwpp: *gigglesnort* Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Lupin: Starting a drinking game where you take a shot every time I offer someone, mostly Harry, chocolate and claiming they'll feel better if they eat it?

iheartmwpp: It's like you know me! *takes shot*

Ron: Um, Harry, I know you're an orphan and that the Dursleys probably didn't teach you any basic safety rules in the hopes that you would get kidnapped, so I'll tell you now that it's really not all that wise to take candy from strangers.

Hermione: OMIGOD, Ronald, he's a professor! It's obviously perfectly safe!

Ron: Right, because most of our teachers, especially the other Defense ones, had such good track records.

Harry: Thanks for the chocolate, but mind if I actually sit up first and get my bearings and all that?

Lupin: Well sorry if I'm legitimately concerned for your wellbeing! Also, I believe you owe me an apology.

Harry: Fine, sorry, you're not useless. Still not sure if we can trust you, though, I mean, we just met you and Ron's right, we don't have a very good record of trustworthy teachers.

Lupin: Fair enough. *smiles in a way that's meant to be reassuring and probably a little nostalgic but most likely comes across as a bit creepy*

Harry: Wh-What was that thing? That came…

Mature audience members: Ha ha, came.

Everyone else: *spalls themselves* Why was that added, we really didn't need that clarified.

Hermione: *opens her mouth to answer—no, really, watch the movie, she totally does*

Lupin: Oi, this is pretty much my only movie to shine, so I GET TO SAY THE DAMN LINE.

Hermione: Wah-face.

Lupin: Anyway, it was a dementor. One of the guards of Azkaban. It was about two seconds away from killing you, your little friend, and this pet Night Troll. *indicates Harry, Ron, and Hermione respectively* It's gone, now, obviously. It was searching the train for Sirius Black.

Harry: I hear it's beneficial and less confusing if you pause and take a breath between sentences, sir.

Lupin: I don't know what you're on about.

Hermione: Isn't that really dangerous, though, sending a dementor on students? I mean, what if you weren't here, Professor? Would Harry be a soulless shell of a human right now?

Lupin: Most likely. I honestly don't know what the Ministry was thinking, sending dementors to check the train ahead of time, since I seriously doubt the trolley lady could conjure a corporeal Patronus, or any kind of Patronus, really. Those morons had to know that there were some kids with traumatic pasts; not every single childhood is absolutely idyllic, what if there are those with abusive families or, Merlin forbid, other orphans roaming about the train? The dementors would develop unhealthy interests in them as well and try to kiss every single one of them! And forget that, an entire train filled with children all hyped up on sugar, which practically equals happiness? It's a bloody feast for these damn creatures!

Ron: I guess JKR just wanted to showcase Fudge's incompetence even more. Like how he didn't bother notifying any of the parents or, hell, the kids that a literal soul-sucking demon would be boarding the train so we would be a bit more prepared. Not by much, but still!

Hermione: But then if Sirius had been on the train, the surprise would have been ruined and he would have found some way to get off and the Ministry would have missed their chance at getting him!

Ron: So what? Capturing Sirius is more important than the souls of several hundred children? And here I was thinking that Fudge would take the stance of every other politician and insist that we were the future of the Wizarding World or some bullshit like that! But clearly I was wrong and he doesn't give a shit about us at all, he only maybe cares a little about Harry if we're even that lucky.

Harry: Actually, why are you even here, Professor? Is it because Dumbledore knew there would be dementors checking the train and wanted someone who actually knew what they were doing aboard to look out for the students, or because you really couldn't afford to travel here any other way?

Lupin: I have no idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go up to the driver and ask what the fuck he was thinking, stopping like that and letting those things onto the train, because I need to blame someone and Fudge isn't here right now. *goes to leave, smiling again* Eat. I know there's no real way to prove it, but I really didn't poison or drug the chocolate in any way, I'm sincerely trying to help you feel better. *leaves*

iheartmwpp: *takes another shot*

Harry: Wait, doesn't Remus say that, like, only four times or something total? I mean, sure, it seems like a lot more, but to start a drinking game of it seems a bit extreme.

iheartmwpp: *slurring drunkenly* Barney is jealous of my mad ninja skills.

Ron: Wow, what a lightweight.

iheartmwpp: *stumbling around in a daze* Why doesn't it smell like pants?

Ron: Okay, I think you've had enough—OW!

iheartmwpp: *clutching Ron's big toe* I like this pen.

Hermione: Must cuddle cat for warmth and happiness even though nothing majorly bad happened in my life aside from a couple of points when I thought you two were dead and I suppose the childhood when I probably had no friends…

Crookshanks: Stop smothering me, woman!

Harry: OM NOM NOM—Hey, despite it never really being shown in this version, it did help! ALL HAIL THE POWER OF CHOCOLATE! And also the start of everyone assuming that at least one werewolf is addicted to the stuff if not all of them. So what happened to me anyway?

Ron: The dementor started literally sucking your face off, Hermione and I sat there and watched, though admittedly we had no idea what to do, and Lupin randomly woke up and shot a blinding white light at it.

Harry: Really? What form did it take?

Ron: Actually, it was just the swirly stuff that will only be seen in this film and be replaced by the proper animal forms in subsequent movies and at the end of this one where it'll seem strangely forced, but I think we can all safely assume that had it taken corporeal form, it would’ve looked big and had four legs.

Harry: LOL. And…shit, I was the only one who passed out, wasn't I?

Rifftrax: The clinical term is spaz attack.

Ron: Pretty much, though if it makes you feel better I felt like shit as well. Like I would never be cheerful again, and I admit that the emphasis I put on the word "cheerful" is a bit off. I think I might have remembered when we found out Ginny was taken into the Chamber, but since she is still completely fine aside from severe mental and emotional scarring I wasn't nearly as affected. Plus, you know, I've still got the rest of my family, so while things would have been tough it wouldn't be completely hopeless…I just get more and more tactless, don't I?

Harry: Nah, I see where you're coming from, it's fine. Doesn't really make me feel much better, but what are you gonna do. I did hear someone screaming, though, I think it was a woman.

Hermione: We didn't hear any screaming.

Ron: Oh no, there's not another bleeding huge snake wandering about trying to eat us, is there?

Hermione: I'm sure we would've heard hissing or something.

Ron: Yes, because clearly we did last year as well.

Hermione: No, I think Harry is legitimately hearing things this time. Not good.

Harry: This does wonders for my self-esteem. Great, yet another year where, forget everyone else, I think I'm crazy. Fun times. And now I think I'll just stare blankly at my reflection in the rain-splattered window for probably longer than necessary.

~Okay, I get that it was a decent scene transition, but really? Did we have to focus on his face for so long? And don't give me that hippogriff shit about him trying to find out who he is or whatever, I'm not buying it.~

Review or the Marauders will introduce you to the more…entertaining…aspects of the Giant Squid.


	5. Teh HOLY CRAP WE HAVE CLASSES ALREADY?!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Blackadder, Kingdom Hearts, the Vicar of Dibley, the song Hey Remus! by the Whomping Willows, The Sorcerer's Companion: A Guide to the Magical World of Harry Potter which I pretend is Unfogging the Future, Ratatouille, and Rifftrax.

~The carriages seem a bit too close together for there to be room for the thestrals.~

Audience: Huh, is this the song that was plastered all over the previews? The one where most of the lyrics are ripped from Macbeth?

Guys from Blackadder: ARGH! Hot potato, orchestra stalls, Puck will make amends! *pinch each other's noses* OWW!

iheartmwpp: *smirks evilly* Are you lot gonna keep doing that every time I say Macbeth?

Guys from Blackadder: ARGH! Hot potato, orchestra stalls—

Everyone else: Yes, we get it, shut up.

iheartmwpp: I do have to wonder, though…why exactly was this little chorus included? It's a decent enough song, I suppose, and now that I've heard it it will be in my head for the rest of the week, but…why? What purpose does it serve, exactly? Why bother casting Warwick Davis in what was supposed to be an entirely separate chorus teacher role that was then changed to Flitwick being the head of it? Sure, it's nice that Hogwarts finally has some extracurricular activities outside of Quidditch, but what was the point? Siriusly? That's at least twenty-nine seconds of extra pointlessness. Yes I am counting every last second. Deal with it.

Toad: I WILL DEVOUR ALL OF YOU.

Book readers: Oh God, can we not foreshadow that? Thanks.

Harry: Wait…My robes feel different…

Hermione: That's because they are different. Instead of just having a tiny little crest on our robes, now the insides are color-coded to match our House. Also the hood is a bit pointy at the end, look.

Ron: Huh, wonder why they did that? Were the robes in the first two films really that bad, 'cause these aren't much different to be honest.

Sir Michael Gambon: Welcome, welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!

Ron: …Who's that guy? What happened to Dumbledore?

Hermione: The previous actor died during the longer than usual amount of time it was taking between filming.

Harry: And this guy is his replacement? He doesn't look nearly as approachable as the other guy, how am I supposed to come to him with my crazy theories and expect to be believed?

Neville: Not to mention that he looks way more eccentric and crazy than wise and powerful, Dumbledore was supposed to be an even mix.

Dean: Eccentric and crazy? He looks like a friggin' hippie!

Seamus: Wasn't his beard supposed to be long enough to tuck into his belt?

Parvati: Forget length, it was supposed to be silvery, not this nasty gray crap!

Lavender: And what's with the beard tie thing, Siriusly? Wait, are those bells on the end? WTF?

Dumbledore: Oh you only wish you had an awesome beard bell tie thing!

Lavender: …Not really, I was making fun of you.

Dumbledore: Oh. Well, you're obscenely annoying, so there. Now I'd like to say a few words before we all become too befuddled by our excellent feast.

Lee: Look, just because you've recited a slightly modified book quote doesn't necessarily mean that you are suddenly perfect as the character.

Dumbledore: Shut up. Now where was I? Oh yes. A few words. HA! Kills me every time.

Alicia: …Okay, you have convinced me. He will make a good Dumbledore.

Katie: You are among a small few who actually believes that.

Lee: Hang on, none of us are even in this movie!

Angelina: I know, and it sucks, but iheart needed more Gryffindors to make pointless comments, so here we are.

Alicia: Works for me.

Dumbledore: ANYWAY! I'm pleased to welcome Professor R. J. Lupin—

Harry: Wonder why we're keeping with the initials crap, he usually just introduces new teachers by their surname.

Dumbledore: —who has kindly consented to be the only competent and tolerable Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that any of you will ever know. If only the job hadn't been cursed by Voldemort and I had even attempted to find a way to remove it, maybe he could have stuck around. As it is, good luck trying to keep these little annoyances in line, Professor!

Lupin: *bows politely*

Fangirls: KYAAAAAAAH! WE LOVE YOU MOONIKINS! *standing ovation*

Non-Marauder fans: Freaks.

Snape: *claps three times total*

Candles: *go out*

Dumbledore: Damn it, Severus!

Snape: Don't look at me, someone must have rigged them!

Fred: Wasn't—

George: —us—

Fred: —either—

George: —really!

Moony: *expression of angelic innocence*

Hermione: He's the DADA teacher! Of course, that's how he knew to give you the chocolate, Harry.

Harry: …No crap, we've established he was a new teacher, and as far as we knew the DADA job was the only position to fill. And even then that isn't a guarantee that he would know what he was doing, look at last year's guy!

Dumbledore: Yah rly. God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumbass sometimes. *smirks* Ten points to Dumbledore!

Hermione: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME HAVE MY LINES!

Malfoy: Hey, Potter! Potter!

Rifftrax: We're out of rolls!

Malfoy: First off, check out my awesome new hair, which in iheart's opinion is way better than the greasy mess I used to have! Some people may disagree, but whatever, I'm still hot either way. Second, is it true you suffered a highly traumatic experience and passed out as a result? HA! I laugh at your emotional agony!

Random Slytherin: *fake swoon*

Audience: …Who the crap is this guy? The kid who plays Goyle is sitting right across from Malfoy and we know Crabbe's in it later, so why drag in this guy?

iheartmwpp: I'm gonna say this kid's Theodore Nott for the purpose of giving him a name for the rest of the movie. Plus he was in their year anyway, even if he was somehow never mentioned until Book Five.

Malfoy: I mean you actually fainted? That's even worse than me nearly wetting myself if the Weasley twins weren't exaggerating!

Fred: Oh—

George: —we—

Fred: —weren't—

George: —I—

Fred: —assure—

George: —you.

Ron: My comeback is brilliant except it sucks.

Harry: Ow my shoulder.

Ron: Sorry.

Harry: Meh. So how did he find out?

Hermione: Just forget it.

Harry: No, really, how did he find out? Neville wasn't even in the compartment with us this time so he couldn't have ratted us out!

Neville: I'm getting really sick of being compared to that asshole.

Harry: Sorry, mate. You did kind of spread that around, though, so I'm wondering how word got out if it was only us and Professor Lupin in that compartment. Oh no, you don't think Lupin would have told anyone outside of the staff, do you? And here I thought he was actually trustworthy!

Lupin: I am, though, really! Okay, I may be keeping rather important things from people, including you and the headmaster, I'll give you that, but otherwise I'm totally a good guy! I only sent an owl ahead to Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall to let them know what happened to you. I solemnly swear that I told no one else!

Harry: Okay, let's say I believe you. That still leaves the question of how the fuck Malfoy found out.

Dumbledore: Oi, stop pointing out gaps in the script and let me namedrop Professor Kettleburn and give the illusion that we'll include important things from the book by taking the time to mention the unimportant ones!

iheartmwpp: And I only just noticed what a riddikulus name that is.

Dumbledore: Fortunately, I'm delighted to announce that the job will now go to a man who gets flustered easily and doesn't really recognize the fact that many of the creatures he adores so much are often too dangerous to be around small children. However, since he's finally been cleared of something that he didn't do that's been hanging over his head for half a century, and besides that he's a fan favorite who deserves a little bit of happiness in his life, I'm sure not too many people will complain too much. So without further ado, the position goes to someone who may not be a good teacher but who has a real passion for his subject and, unlike a certain someone on the staff, actually has a semblance of a human soul and knowledge of what kindness is—

Snape: Ha ha, you're hilarious. *glare*

Dumbledore: I know, right? LOL! So yeah, Rubeus Hagrid. WOOT WOOT!

THE ENTIRE FANDOM: OMG YAAAAAAAY!

McGonagall: Elbow to the kidneys.

Hagrid: OH GOD THE AGONY. Yeh have any idea of how bony yer arms are, woman?

McGonagall: Shut up and stand up.

Hagrid: Oh, is tha' what I'm supposed ter be doin'? *stands up, and if you look closely at the table all but one of the dishes fall off of it. Was that glass glued to it or something?*

Students: *don't applaud for him nearly as much as they did for the end of the last movie*

Seamus: *whistles while standing up*

George: Dude, apparently very few people liked that scene last film, don't try to start another standing ovation!

Seamus: Aw man!

Dumbledore: Oh yeah, there are also soul-sucking demons floating around the school this year. No, really. They're supposed to be searching for Sirius Black, but they pose just as much of a threat to us as they do to him. Perhaps even more so, actually, considering that Black was able to escape from them and they appear to have less of an effect on him for some reason that will never be explained in this version. I tried to tell Fudge that trying to hunt him down with creatures that have little to no effect on the man is kind of stupid and the school would be better protected and safer if he sent Aurors in or something, but dear sweet Merlin the man's an idiot.

Students: Blah, blah, Sirius Black, gossip, gossip, Azkaban, flarfle-noogin…

iheartmwpp: I just noticed that Dumbledore doesn't have anywhere to sit. There's this huge gap in the center of the head table and, while his usual chair is still there, he has nowhere to eat. What, is he turning anorexic or something?

Dumbledore: I've been assured by the Ministry that the dementors will not disrupt our day to day activities aside from the occasional Quidditch match or Harry Potter trying to save the entire world and/or country, or quite frankly just a few people this year, but I must still warn you about them. Dementors are vicious creatures that will make no distinction between the one they are actually supposed to hunt and any innocent bystanders who happen to be in the area. In fact, they might choose to target said innocent bystander instead of the one the Ministry is trying to get them to go after. And the Ministry, in all its infinite wisdom, has decided to put a crapload of them around a school full of children! Hooray!

Harry: Wait, while the dementors are here, who or what is guarding Azkaban in the meantime? Or does the Ministry just have a surplus of the freaks of nature that they're hiding somewhere?

Dumbledore: Iunno and Fudge won't tell me, he just keeps saying he has everything under control when he so clearly doesn't it's not even funny. Siriusly, it's not. So all of you, please, for the love of Merlin's turquoise boxers, stay the fuck away from them in case they decide to target you. Because they will attempt to suck out your soul if given the chance and if your backstory is depressing enough.

Harry: Oh this year's going to be great, I can tell. *eyeroll*

Audience: …So the chorus song thing's going to be the background music for this movie? Um…Yay? It's not that bad, it's just…this is the final time John Williams is going to be able to compose the music for these films. Can we get a few other classics besides just Hedwig's theme? No? Well you suck.

Dumbledore: And now to say something completely nonsensical that actually doesn't really foreshadow anything despite iheart expecting it to the first time she saw this. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times—

iheartmwpp: *seeing as she once stuck her finger in a candle flame when she was a retarded four-year-old* WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO? DON'T PUT YOUR HAND NEAR A CANDLE FLAME LIKE THAT, WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH YOU?

Dumbledore: Shut up and remember to turn on the light. Or something. I CREATE FIRE!

Students: Good for you.

~Dumbledore's advice makes about as much sense as the plot of any given Kingdom Hearts game. Meaning none at all.~

Percy: Since absolutely none of you know the general direction to any of your dorms, allow me to direct you out of the Great Hall.

Ron: Why are you even here?

Audience: Yes, yes, the staircases move and stuff, we get the general layout of the castle, sort of, we've been doing this for two years now—

Seamus: *stops at the top of one of the staircases* Fortuna Major!

Audience: …What?

Fat Lady: *belts out* …AND I STOOD UP AND SAID IT SHOULDA BEEN ME! OOOOOOHOOOOH, IT SHOULDA BEEN ME! JUMPED OUTTA MY SEAT AND SCREAMED IT SHOUDLA BEEN ME! OOOHOOHOOOOOH! NO DOUBT IN MY MIND! PEOPLE BELIEVE ME, THAT MAN IS MINE! IT SHOULDA BEEN ME!

Audience: …What?

Harry: Wait, why are we stopping here? Gryffindor Tower's further up and at the end of a long corridor, not in the center of the moving staircases!

Seamus: I don't know why it's moved either, but I think they repainted the portrait of the Fat Lady as well.

Ron: Makes sense, didn't Elizabeth Spriggs pass away recently?

Dean: Yeah, recently, as in 2008, this movie didn't come out till 2004, I don't know why she got replaced so quickly.

Neville: I'm never going to keep all these changes straight in my head.

Harry: Ah, fuck it, there's no use whining about it, we're stuck with these changes for the rest of the films anyway. Fortuna Major! Let us in already!

Fat Lady: D'you want the short answer or the long answer?

Harry: Er…both, please.

Fat Lady: Well, the short answer is no, and the long answer is nooooooooooo.

Harry: What the hell, portraits are supposed to let people through when they give them the password! What if Sirius Black were following us, would you still deny us entrance just so you could finish your pathetic and pointless little opera? This is such a waste of time!

Fat Lady: 'Scuse me… *burst into song again* FIIIVE GOOOLD RRRIIIIIIIINGS! *claps a few times, then addresses one of the random nameless girls* Hello, you! I haven't told anyone about your boob job!

Random nameless girl: *horrified gasp*

Painting of the mother with the baby: *are apparently Cuarón's then wife and their child*

Harry: For the love of — Fortuna Major, you fat bitch!

Fat Lady: No! No, no. No. Or…if I'm honest…yes. *opens*

Harry: Jesus Christ!

Fat Lady: Honestly, kids today. *pulls out a Crunch bar* The last time I felt this bad I ate five hundred and sixty-two Crunchies in one night. And that was fine…till I washed it down with that tin of treacle.

Seamus: Why are we discussing the Fat Lady's singing as if this has been a recurring thing even though it's never happened before?

Harry: I don't know, and why am I chatting with you and not Ron, considering we were never really that close and were more just casual friends?

Seamus: The new guys want to present an actual boarding school environment, I guess, and that means talking about stupid stuff with people you sort of get along with and speaking at exactly the same time, evidently.

Random ghost: Wazzup!

Harry and Seamus: Apparently we know you!

Dean: And apparently I'm too busy staring at the portraits to see a clearly visible ghost right in front of me. What gives, you'd think after two years I'd be used to the moving pictures.

iheartmwpp: …What is the point of any of this crap? Especially this male bonding session? I do not comprehend why it was so important to include this candy eating scene that had absolutely no purpose and went nowhere. Yes, it's nice to see the guys enjoying themselves and behaving like teenagers, but us book fans actually like this little thing called "plot," which I can't find a trace of anywhere in this sequence. Also…why is Seamus wearing a curtain like a cloak and a tie around his head? This scene just fails, no matter how adorkable I think Ron looks in that hat while roaring like that. Wait, where'd they get all this candy anyway, I think this was originally meant as the scene after the first Hogsmede visit before they remembered that everyone had to sleep in the Great Hall that night. That's a minute and a half of…well, you know the routine by now.

Dementors: We're floating around and acting creepily. Fear us.

~And now for the scenes that everyone starts to really bitch about! Hooray!~

Bird: Woo hoo! What a wonderful feeling it is to be alive! I hope I don't get killed unexpectedly in an admittedly hilarious way—OW I'm dead.

Whomping Willow: This year's gonna be great, I swear I saw Moony come out of one of the carriages earlier! I can't wait till he visits!

iheartmwpp: And of course, all we really needed was that last tiny little bit with the bird actually getting killed by the tree. Contrary to most of the film's haters, I actually like the Whomping Willow showing the passage of time. It totally makes for awesome transitions. Those scenes, therefore, have a point. What doesn't have a point is that random little bird flying around. The fact that it was gonna be even longer according to a deleted scene is horrific.

Hagrid: It could be tha' they wanted ter show off the new geography of the castle or summat.

iheartmwpp: …Which they could have accomplished perfectly well when the trio goes down to Hagrid's later in the film. And the rest of the movie. This is thirty-one seconds of pointlessness that could've been spent on something more worthwhile. Like the Marauder backstory. NO I WILL NEVER LEAVE THAT ALONE!

~Been waiting here for years/And that's a bit too long/It's hard to feel all right/When everything is wrong/ I'm telling you tonight/That my feelings are still strong, Remus!~

iheartmwpp: WOW this was hard, Emma Thompson is actually really, really good as Trelawney, there wasn't too much to make fun of.

Trelawney: Welcome, my children.

Harry: Oh God, do we need an adult already?

Trelawney: In this room, you shall explore the noble art of Divination! Huh, there appears to be a pattern of the few teachers actually shown in this movie having a real passion for their subject, even if only one of them is competent at actually teaching. Ah, whatever.

Rifftrax: Divination: the Communications degrees of the Wizarding World.

Trelawney: In this room, you shall also discover if you possess the Sight! And if you don't, then this class is pretty much pointless other than learning the different methods of fortune-telling and some of the theory behind them, assuming we ever go over that. Plus it's a great way for certain students who think this class is a waste of time to hone their bullshitting abilities, which can help them write essays for other classes, and it can widen their imaginations. Who knows, maybe one of you will write an entire novel while you attempt to ignore me! Unfortunately, I don't See that happening with any of you. *bumps into a table* LOL, it's ironic because I can't actually see what's in front of me, because I'm always looking into the beyond or something stupid like that.

Movie watchers: …Is she always like this?

Book readers: Yep! Great job on doing something right, movie!

Movie: D'aaawww, shucks! *blushes*

Trelawney: Hello. I am Professor Trelawney, I have no idea why I didn't tell you that when you first came in, I have Miss Granger's canonical hair, and together we shall cast ourselves into the future! HA! Get it?

Students: Oy vey.

Parvati: Okay, I know I admire her and everything…but Siriusly, how many tea cups does she need? Look behind her, she has a literal tower of them all stacked like that! That's a little too obsessive, you'd think she was more obsessed with the actual tea than what she could see in the leaves.

Trelawney: This term, we will be focusing on tasseomancy, which is the ART of reading tea leaves, so please, take the cup of the person sitting opposite you. *crosses her arms weirdly and licks her lips*

iheartmwpp: I want whatever drugs she's on!

Harry: Figures, there's always a crazy one.

Ron: No kidding, it's killing me trying not to burst out laughing.

Trelawney: The truth lies hidden, like a sentence deep within a book, waiting to be read! Which is kind of a subtle shout-out to the books, since there's always some hidden bit of foreshadowing under like every other sentence. Fans have been arguing for years over exactly which sentences hold importance. But first, you must broaden your minds, since you really need an open mind if you're to believe anything I say. Or anything fans say, for that matter. *fondles Seamus's head*

Seamus: AAAAAH! BAD TOUCH! GET OUT OF MY BUBBLE!

Trelawney: First, you must look…beyond!

Students: We're looking at where you're gesturing, but the only thing we see is the window—AAAH THE SUN IS BLINDING US.

Hermione: What a load of rubbish.

Harry: Hermione, over the past two years we've been introduced to stuff that we would never have thought possible. I spent my entire childhood believing that there was no such thing as magic. We now live in a world with three-headed dogs, unicorns, dragons, time travel, talking hats, broomsticks, and so many other fantastical things; we've got a freaking werewolf for a teacher this year, for Merlin's sake! Why is the thought of seeing into the future so difficult for you to wrap your head around?!

Ron: And speaking of one of the things Harry just mentioned, exactly when did you get here, anyway? You weren't sitting there before and no one saw you enter.

Hermione: Me? I've been here all this time.

Steve Kloves: HA! It's a pun! Get it? IT'S FUNNY!

Audience: …Whatever you say.

Ron: For the love of crap, could you at least try to sound flustered and not flat as hell?

Hermione: Nope! And pay no attention to the necklace I'm clearly trying to hide under my shirt.

Ron: Kay.

Trelawney: You, boy? Is your grandmother quite well?

Neville: Considering she was strong enough to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts and presumably survived, I'd have to say yes.

Trelawney: Right, I'm gonna pretend that something's horrendously wrong so that you spend God knows how long worrying over one of your few remaining relatives.

Neville: Great, because I definitely need more tragedy in my life. Bitch.

Trelawney: Broaden your minds so that you can see how awesome Luna Lovegood will be in two years! And now to pick on someone random…AHA!

Ron: Oh dear God why.

Trelawney: Your aura is pulsing, dear.

Mature audience members: *snicker* Sure, his aura, right!

Trelawney: Oh shut up. Anyway, are you in the beyond? I think you are!

Ron: Siriusly, what did I ever do to you? I'm just sitting here!

Trelawney: Look at the cup! Tell me, and the class, what you see, so if you're wrong I can horribly embarrass you!

Ron: Sigh. Well, Harry's got a weird-looking animal that could be a giraffe…that means there's been a misunderstanding…

Hermione: Now trying not to laugh is killing me.

Ron: …and that there could be a key, which means an unveiling of a mystery.

Trelawney: Uh-huh, uh-huh?

Ron: So basically, this year will be very, very similar to the previous two.

Harry: Figures. Still, better than "You're gonna suffer but you're gonna be happy about it," since I really don't want this whole class thinking I'm a masochist.

Trelawney: I assume I want to double check, since I insist on seeing as well—OH GOD!

Harry: Jesus, lady, what is with you?

Trelawney: Oh God oh God oh God…My dear, I say as the camera zooms in very, very close to my face, you have…the Grim!

Evil gopher internet meme thing: Dun dun DUN!

Seamus: *gigglesnort* The grin? WTF does that mean?

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: Not the grin, you idiot, the Grim!

Seamus: Who are you to call me an idiot, I'm sorry I don't have the book open in front of me at all times! Plus, she's kind of hard to hear from all the way back here, so leave me…alone…Who the fuck are you? Siriusly, I've never seen you before in my life, and yet you're apparently a Gryffindor third year like the rest of us. You'd think we would have met, considering you would be sharing your dorm with us, but you just appeared out of nowhere for no reason except to give exposition, which Trelawney could have done for us!

Trelawney: No I can't, I'm too busy gasping in shock at this crazy, crazy turn of events that even I didn't see coming except I am because I'm making it up to freak everyone out!

Book readers: We're with Seamus, who the hell is this guy?

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: The Grim takes the form of a giant spectral dog…what the fuck is this book talking about, it doesn't take the form of a giant spectral dog, it bloody well is a giant spectral dog. Anyway, it's among the darkest omens in our world. It's an omen…of death.

Harry: Oh snap! *looks into the cup himself* Well, I suppose it could be a weird-ass dog thing, but it's really all up to interpretation when you think about it.

Hermione: How exactly are you so sure it's a Grim, anyway? It could just be any old dog, which according to Unfogging the Future symbolizes faithful friends. Isn't that a good thing? Actually, come to think of it, wouldn't that make the assumption that Sirius is evil make absolutely no sense to those who knew he could turn into a dog? Who would you trust more, a dog or a rat? It's really only common logic.

Ron: I'll have you know that domesticated rats make very good pets, as they're rather intelligent, easy to train, are comfortable around humans, and they don't have a risk of carrying the plague like most people think. Plus, have you ever seen Ratatouille? You can't tell me all rats are evil after you've seen that!

Hermione: Scabbers really does turn out to be evil later, though!

Ron: Yeah, but we don't know that now, do we? Right now I'm just a child who loves his pet and doesn't want him to die by slow digestion, why can't you figure that out?

Harry: Oh for the love of Merlin's purple knitted socks, would you two shut the fuck up for TWO SECONDS?!

~In the script, they originally had Lavender saying that random kid's lines. Was it really that difficult to cast an actual canon character?~

Review or Trelawney will predict your death for the next three years and be really annoying and morbid about it!


	6. Teh DEMISE OF MALFOY'S BELOVED SLEEVE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Berserk Abridged, Equus, Titanic, or Rifftrax.

~The grounds look pretty large when you see them for the first time, until you look at the Fifth Video Game and realize that that hill's pretty much it. I prefer the Third PS2 Video Game layout.~

Ron: …Okay, now I'm really confused. If memory serves, for the past two years, whenever we left the castle it always led to a flat stretch of grass with a few pathways cutting across it. Also, Hagrid's hut was practically right there, on said flat ground. What's with the sudden hill, did Hogwarts have a landslide over the summer and Hagrid's hut sank down along with, like, the entire forest or something? And what's with the Stonehenge wannabe we just passed?

Harry: I have no idea, but did you see that bridge we just crossed? I swear that wasn't there last year. Nor was this stair thing we're walking on now, when did they find the time to build that after the possible land slide?

Hermione: Well, in answer to the last question, magic, but I don't know about the rest of whatever happened to the geography of the grounds. I heard the Whomping Willow was replanted as well, wasn't it in some random courtyard last time?

Ron: I think so, yeah.

Harry: …They moved the Whomping Willow? How the bloody fucking hell can they move the Whomping Willow? What, did they move the entire bloody tunnel to the Shrieking Shack while they were at it? Bullshit! I don't care that magic can do a lot of crap, there's no fucking way they could have moved that as well!

Ron: Whoa, calm down, Prongs Jr., there'll be plenty of time for your anger issues in Film Five.

Harry: No there won't, it's the second shortest film in the series aside from Film Eight.

Ron: Oh. Well in that case you're fucked.

Harry: What else is new?

Ron: Who's this "they" we keep referring to, anyhow? The Hogwarts staff or the filmmakers?

Harry: Who cares, it's the same disconcerting outcome.

Hermione: Enough of this, I'm supposed to be bitching about how stupid I think Divination is while making fun of Ron for believing it.

Ron: Well excuuuuse me, Princess! Sorry if I feel any kind of anxiety over whether Harry's going to get murdered or not, I'll remember to not give a shit in future!

Hermione: Whatever, now let me go on and on about how wonderful my Ancient Runes class is even if I haven't taken it yet and should be bragging about Arithmancy instead.

Ron: Exactly how many classes are you taking this year?

Hermione: Oh, only every single one the school has to offer, not much, really.

Harry: …Riiiight…

Ron: Hang on, Ancient Runes/Arithmancy/Whatever is at the exact same time as Divination. You'd have to be in two places at once if you were to actually keep up with the class work, unless you alternated or something.

Hermione: Don't be silly, Ron, honestly.

Ron: Don't take that tone with me! It's a perfectly reasonable and logical question, I thought you liked those!

Hermione: Yes, but not when they're directed at me when I clearly have something to hide! Besides, just think about it. How can anyone be in two places at once?

Ron: Hang on, let me think…Okay, got some! Um, cloning, alternate universes or dimensions, time travel—

Hermione: YOU KNOW NOTHING!

Ron: …

Harry: For the record, I think you suck for not telling us about this.

Hermione: But I promised not to tell anyone!

Harry: So what? I do that all the time too, and except for that one point in Book Four where I don't say anything about Neville but that's only because it was his business, I always tell you two absolutely everything anyway! You should really learn to trust your friends more.

Hermione: That's nice, now let me make fun of a teacher for the first time ever because I don't agree with her opinions. I AM A BRILLIANT ROLE MODEL FOR CHILDREN EVERYWHERE!

BUNNY!: *is there*

Hagrid: Right, everyone gather 'round! It's actually cool tha' this version shows me bein' a pretty decent teacher up until we actually get ter Buckbeak. A pity we never have another on o' these lessons after this one, though, 'cause we coulda explored tha' more. Oh well, shut up an' follow me ter this random, walled-off clearin' tha' I'm pretty damn sure wasn't in the firs' two films.

Ron: And now for the first time for us to not really care about the state of our uniforms. Look at me, being all disheveled with my robe and jumper off!

Harry: Figures we'd be at the front of the class, wouldn't it?

Hagrid: Oh fer the love o' Merlin's deodorant, I told you lot ter shut up already! Now get over there an' open yer books ter page three hundred an' ninety-four — Oh wait, tha's later, never mind.

Malfoy: An actual relevant question! Exactly how are we supposed to open them without getting literally ripped to shreds?

Hagrid: Just stroke the spine, o' course! How'd none of yeh realize tha'? 'S a perfect metaphor tha' if yeh show any livin' being some kindness they'd logically do the same ter you. Why do humans never get this?

Malfoy: Huh, it worked. Who knew. And where did I get this ring, anyway? Or am I really that much of an aristocrat?

Neville: And I refuse to follow directions for some reason.

Book: OM NOM NOM.

Malfoy: That was lame.

Neville: Your face is lame!

Hermione: I think they're funny, I say with an incredibly conflicting Sirius expression on my face because I can't seem to act in any other way.

Malfoy: Oh yeah, terribly funny. Wait, are we talking about the homicidal books or Emma Watson's acting? Either way, hilarious except not 'cause they both suck. God this place has gone to the dogs. Hopefully next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts. Also I'm still convinced I can get my father to do everything for me without a hope of growing up till I'm sixteen and he's out of the picture for a year, and even then there's not as much development as I would've liked.

Harry: Check this out, don't I look really threatening as I tell you to stop making fun of Hagrid?

Malfoy: Not really.

Ron: Seamus, why do you have your arms around me and Dean? Well, I guess I could get Dean but you and I aren't exactly that close.

Seamus: Way to make it sound like a slash fic.

Goyle: See? I'm still, in fact, in the movie, despite many parody writers thinking the opposite! Though admittedly I don't know why I'm not in it as much as I should be…

Malfoy: Hey, Crabbe, hold this, would you?

Crabbe: Yes master.

Malfoy: And look how much taller I am than you, how delightful!

Daniel Radcliffe: I hate my life.

Malfoy: Also dementors, obviously, since it's such a bright, sunny and warm day why wouldn't they be here?

Harry: OH GOD PROFESSOR LUPIN PLEASE SAVE ME.

Malfoy: …That was understandably pathetic. Though not as much as all of our really cheesy and fake dementor impressions.

Harry: I CUT YOU!

Hermione: *makes a really stupid face at them* Yeah, yeah, just ignore him.

Harry: Right, because that's such an easy thing to accomplish.

Neville: And now my jumper has holes in it.

Ron: Don't worry about it, Nev, I'll take over as comic relief soon enough.

Neville: Aw, you don't have to do that!

Ron: No, really, I insist.

Hagrid: Ev'ryone shut up an' look at the pretty.

Students: FEAR OUR REACTION SHOTS OF BEWILDERMENT!

Buckbeak: FEED ME.

Hagrid: All righ', all righ', have a dead ferret.

Buckbeak: Sweet.

Hagrid: So yeah, say hello ter Buckbeak.

Students: Hello ter Buckbeak.

Ron: Exactly what is that, anyway?

Hagrid: That, Ron, is a hippogriff. 'S amazin' how well I'm doin' when I can' hear Malfoy's insults. Now pay attention, this is really important if yeh want ter survive this class without getting' horrifically injured.

Malfoy: And we're conveniently standing at the back of the class…Huh, I'm surprised none of the students were called as witnesses, if they gave testimony that Hagrid did, in fact, tell us not to insult them and said that I disobeyed, I could have claimed to have been unable to hear. Bit of a wasted opportunity, really.

Hagrid: Do. Not. Insult. Hippogriffs. I don' know how I can make tha' any clearer. If yeh can' wrap yer head 'round tha', then yer Too Dumb Ter Live anyway. Now who wants ter come say hi ter the creature I just finished describing as being rather deadly?

The students' reactions: *are admittedly pretty hilarious, especially Neville's*

Hagrid: Harry! Thanks so much, yer a great friend.

Harry: Wow, thanks guys, I really appreciate—Don't push me, Ron! What, do you want me to die horribly?

Ron: Please, Hagrid loves you, he'd never let anything really bad happen to you!

Harry: Your emphasis does nothing to reassure me.

Buckbeak: *is the first CGI animal to take a dump onscreen. No really, they even point that out on the Special Features disk. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Who gives a shit?"*

Hagrid: So I'm not entirely sure how people found out abou' this, or what purpose it serves in the long run, but hippogriffs only respond if yeh bow ter them. If he bows back, yeh can go an' touch him, and I won' bother tellin' yeh what happens if he doesn'. Since yer the main character, Buckbeak has no reason not ter like yeh. Also, we're gonna completely ignore the importance of the bowin' thing when you and Hermione rescue Sirius later, just a heads up.

Ron: Great, another chance for Harry to get sent to the hospital wing. What a shock.

iheartmwpp: *had begun a more serious AU fanfic that won’t be finished for years with this possibility as the divergence point during her boring as hell New England Literature class…JSYK…*

Hagrid: Okay, bow already…lower…lower…

Harry: Here, look at my butt for a while.

Students: Awesome.

Buckbeak: The guy from Equus? Siriusly? No way, as part-horse myself, I refuse to become his deluded fantasy of a god or whatever the fuck.

Hagrid: Okay, back off slowly, and don' panic if yeh happen ter hit anythin' while yer doin' tha'—

Branch: Ow-face.

Harry: MY LIFE IS OVER!

Hermione: Oh noes! Comfort me, Ron's sleeve!

Hagrid: Just keep still…stay like tha', though, yeh might still have a chance…

Buckbeak: Aww, crap, he's the main character, isn't he? Sigh, fine. *bows*

Hagrid: Yays! Have another dead ferret!

Buckbeak: All right! Just keep 'em coming!

Harry: Whew, glad that's over—

Hagrid: And now yeh can pet him! Aren' yeh excited?

Harry: You are so lucky I value our friendship so highly.

Malfoy: This apple is more interesting than this class.

Harry: Should I wait till I get closer before extending my hand? What exactly am I supposed to be doing?

Hagrid: Slowin' the fuck down, tha's what.

Buckbeak: I can haz human flesh?

Hermione: Time to foreshadow our relationship!

Ron: What? You're actually showing affection to me onscreen? Me, not Harry? Wow, there might be hope for the films yet!

Filmmakers: HA! You naïve child!

R/Hr shippers: Rage.

Harry, Draco, Snape, and anyone else/Hermione shippers: Works for us!

R/Hr shippers: Yeah, but this is supposed to represent canon, not your crappy fanfic.

Harry, Draco, Snape, and anyone else/Hermione shippers: OURS IS CANON! JKR GOT IT WRONG!

R/Hr shippers: …Yes, because the person who created the characters and the world they live in couldn't possibly have known what she was doing.

Harry, Draco, Snape, and anyone else/Hermione shippers: EXACTLY!

R/Hr shippers: Sigh.

Hagrid: In the interest o' not getting' yer hand bitten off, try lettin' him come ter you instead.

Buckbeak: Wonder what "Getting An Awkward And Conflicting Upbringing From Your Broadway Character's Parents" smells like…

Harry: This beak that's either not there or is being held up by a long stick is so much fun to pet!

Hagrid: WOOT! I knew yeh could walk slowly toward a creature with careful instruction as ter how ter approach it!

Students: …Wow, he didn't get hurt yet! This is a first.

Hagrid: An' now fer the part where I fail at teachin', since forcin' yeh ter ride him might seem a bit much at this point. Shoulda stretched it over a couple o' lessons or summat, got to flying at the end.

Harry: I agree, now PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN.

Hagrid: Nope! Now don' pull out any o' his feathers!

Harry: How am I supposed to hold onto him, then?

Hargid: I'm sorry, I can' hear yeh over the sound o' me spallin' Beaky's ass ter get him ter move.

Buckbeak: *runs not at all awkwardly for someone using talons as front legs and takes off*

Book readers: All right, that was cool! Now come back…um, we said come back. Where are you going, what is this, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Scene: *does give a splendid view of Hogwarts and shows off Buckbeak beautifully, as well as letting John Williams compose a great piece for the soundtrack…I say so my friend doesn't kill me, she loves that song…but it still drags on for way too fucking long*

Rifftrax: Meanwhile, sitting alone in his home, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whiskey bottle at his TV.

iheartmwpp: Hold up. That tower was never there before. You know, the one in the middle where Sirius is being kept later? It will never be seen after this film either. What, was it just built momentarily for the sake of holding Sirius if/when they caught him? Why is it there?!

The Black Lake: *is at first this little trickle of water when viewed at a distance when they're still flying over Hogwarts, but as soon as they're actually over it it's this massive lake surrounded by trees and mountains and crap*

Harry: Okay, I appear to finally be less freaked out by this now…hey, I can see my reflection and stuff!

Buckbeak: It's so nice to be able to soak my talons in the lake from time to time. Especially considering I'm the only hippogriff ever seen after this lesson and I was never seen before that. Siriusly, where was Hagrid keeping me till now?

Harry: Look, Mum! No hands!

Lily: I can't, I'm dead.

Harry: Oh. Poopie.

iheartmwpp: Apparently this part rips off Titanic. Having only seen part of the first half of that recently…yeah, it kinda does.

Harry: This actually gives the impression that I like riding on hippogriffs, when everyone who's read the books knows I prefer brooms.

Alfonso Cuarón: Shut up and woo-hoo.

Harry: Yessir. WOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!

Buckbeak: Kay, done gliding, let's head back.

Harry: OH DEAR GOD! Whoa, I almost fell off there, give me more of a warning next time!

Hagrid: Get yer ass back here!

Buckbeak: Yeah, yeah.

Students: YAAAAY HE MANAGED TO SURVIVE A DANGEROUS EXPERIENCE! THIS IS SO NEW TO US! Wait…Does this mean we have to ride him one by one as well? Bugger.

That one student from the first movie: That was wicked, Harry! Heh, see? I told you I'd be back!

Malfoy: Fuck this shit.

Hagrid: Great job, you two! Here, let me help yeh down.

Harry: Thanks.

Hagrid: How'm I doin' me firs' day?

Harry: Well you could have coached me through the whole riding on Buckbeak thing, but otherwise, brilliant, Professor!

Hagrid: Yeah, I am a Professor, ain' I? And yet no one ever calls me tha', not even you lot.

Harry: Yeah, sorry about that.

Malfoy: And now to make things difficult for everyone for the rest of the book. Honestly, can my fangirls excuse this? I think NOT! Anyway, hey Buckbeak!

Buckbeak: Yo?

Malfoy: I hate you and I hate your mum and I hate your face and I hate your mum's face!

Hagrid: I freakin' warned yeh, asshole!

Buckbeak: This perturbs me. DIE, BITCH!

Students: Oh, snap!

Malfoy: AAAAAAH! MY SLEEVE! I AM IN SUCH AGONY!

Buckbeak: I DEMAND BLOOD!

Hagrid: Fine, have this ferret, 's basically the same thin'.

Buckbeak: Hey, you're right! OM NOM NOM.

Hagrid: Yeh silly-willy puddin' pie.

Malfoy: I'm melting, MEEEEELTING! Oh what a world!

Hagrid: Quit whinin', yeh pussy, it just tore yer sleeve, yer not even hurt!

Hermione: HAGRID! Ignore the Time Turner hanging around my neck in plain sight! What a great job I'm doing at keeping this a secret! Anyway, you should really take Malfoy to the hospital wing, just in case he really does have any sort of wound whatsoever, since it would be bad if it got infected or something.

D/Hr shippers: SEE? She really does care about him, look at how concerned she looks!

Rest of fandom: Or she could just be rightfully worried about how this situation could affect Hagrid later. Or she could just be a generically decent person, who knows?

Hagrid: Are yeh implyin' I do it?

Hermione: Kinda, yeah.

Hagrid: Kay, just don' mind if I drop him a buncha times on the way up ter the castle.

Hermione: Be my guest.

Malfoy: Cool, I can sue you as well as trying to get your chicken to run around headless for several minutes!

Hagrid: On second thought…Oh, class dismissed, by the way.

Harry: Well that went well.

Buckbeak: Buckbeak do good?

Harry: Assuming this doesn't come back and bite us in the ass, endangering your life in the process, I'd have to say yes.

Buckbeak: …I'm doomed to live in someone's mother's old room for the better part of a year, aren't I?

Harry: Pretty much, yeah. *pat, pat*

~Did no one notice that Buckbeak and Witherwings were the same hippogriff? Siriusly?~

Review or Buckbeak will TEAR YOUR CLOTHES SLIGHTLY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!


	7. Teh WTF THAT THING'S HORRIFYING!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Room, The Princess Bride, Gurren Lagann, Rifftrax, cutietrp, or that manly thing of manliness I still won't tell you guys about yet. Though if anyone were to figure it out, now would probably be the chapter.

~And that's another thirteen seconds wasted on the friggin' ghosts. And where's Nick to bitch about not being in the Headless Hunt?~

Pansy: It's not as though you have enough money to buy as many outfits as you want, and I certainly don't trust Pomfrey's judgment, so I have to ask if the loss of that particular set of robes pains you.

Malfoy: Oh believe me, the agony is unbearable. Still, I consider myself lucky. If I'd been any closer the beast might've actually injured me. The sling is just a precaution, really. The loss of my robe leaves such a gap in my heart. I'll have to take a break from classes due to depression, I can't possibly do any homework in this state.

Ron: Listen to the idiot, because somehow we can hear him over everyone else who's also talking. He's really laying it on thick, isn't he?

Hermione: Of course, like you don't try the same thing later.

Ron: That's completely different, I was just trying to gain your sympathy and possibly make Sirius feel a little guilty, I wasn't trying to convince the entire school or hurt a dearly beloved character! Besides, my leg was legitimately broken anyway, Malfoy's arm isn't!

Harry: Look on the bright side. Least Hagrid didn't get fired yet.

Hermione: One of the few bright sides in this film, but it's still not enough. I heard Lucius Malfoy is going to try to fuck things up for everyone again, only behind the scenes this time.

Harry: Joy.

Seamus: I seem to be involved a lot in this movie! Also, he's been sighted, he's been sighted!

Ron: Who?

Seamus: …Who the fuck do you think? Why else would any of us be excitedly nervous this year if not because of news of a freaking escaped psychopath?!

Ron: Ah. Good point, that was a stupid question.

Seamus: Yes it was.

Hermione: Wellington? The fuck's he doing in New Zealand?

Harry: You try living a decade plus in fucking Azkaban and not wanting to go someplace gorgeous in every way possible to remind you life's still worth living.

Neville: What's he supposed to be after, anyway? D'you think there's something at Hogwarts Black might want?

Harry: Erm…

Dean: Eh, he won't be able to get in with dementors at every entrance anyway.

Harry: What, are they floating around the entire Dark/Forbidden Forest or something? Black probably knows the Forest pretty well, all things considering. He'd be able to slip through easily.

Seamus: He could try that, yeah, but who cares when Black got past the dementors once already? He'd probably be able to do it again with no problem. We really need to get some more efficient guards.

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: That's right. Black could be anywhere.

cutietrp: *throws her shoe at the screen*

Harry: Okay Siriusly, who are you and why are you talking to us?

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: That's racist!

Harry: How is that racist? We don't exclude Dean, I'm just legitimately wondering where you came from!

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much—

Harry: You know what I mean!

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: Hey, let me just say something deep really quickly, then I'll get out of your canonical-for-once hair until the Honeydukes scene, kay?

Harry: Fine, hurry up.

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: It's like trying to catch smoke. Like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.

Harry: …That really wasn't that deep at all, more stupid and pointless.

Sirius's wanted poster: HEY, HARRY! I'M REALLY SORRY I MISSED ALL OF YOUR BIRTHDAYS AND MOST OF YOUR CHRISTMASSES! I'LL—GET OFF ME, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY BABY GODSON? ANYWAY, HARRY, I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU THIS CHRISTMAS, THOUGH IT MIGHT NOT GET TO YOU TILL THE END OF THE MOVIE, HOPE THAT'S OKAY!

iheartmwpp: They really didn't have to linger on Sirius's eye sockets for so long. And who were the guys trying to hold him back, anyway? Why was he fighting so hard, I thought he came quietly. Unless he's shouting for the guys behind the camera to give him a FUCKING TRIAL or something.

~Since when can dementors freeze things on contact?~

Filmmakers: So you think you're looking into a mirror, but it's actually a clever transition where we go right to the class! AREN'T WE AWESOME AT EDITING? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LIKE THIS!

Book readers: Yeah, yeah, we get that it looks great. Hey, you know what else would look great? You guys treating the source material with any semblance of respect whatsoever.

Lupin: So we got an unknown entity living in some wardrobe I found somewhere. Anyone wanna try and guess what's inside with no hints whatsoever? And no, it's not a giant winged potato-god, sorry Raven.

Dean: Somehow I know it's a boggart.

Lupin: Yeppers! Aaaand I have no idea why I just called you Mr. Thomas, I'm usually on first-name terms with most of you. Now can anyone tell me what a boggart looks like?

Hermione: No one knows.

Ron: When did she get here?

Students directly behind her: And how did we not notice her materialize out of thin air in front of us? Also how did she plan that out so perfectly, did she go to the deserted classroom after everyone had gone and turn back time? How did she not land on any of us?

Book readers: AND WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD DOES SHE HAVE HER HAIR UP?!?!?!?!?)(&$#! And stylized too, WTF, filmmakers?

Filmmakers: What, do you expect a teenage girl to have the same hairstyle all the time or something?

iheartmwpp: I did! Too much of a bother, I preferred doing something more productive with my time. Like playing video games or reading fanfiction.

Filmmakers: Yeah, well, you're a freak.

iheartmwpp: Eh, true enough.

Book readers: And in Hermione's case, absolutely, except for special occasions like the Yule Ball or when it's specifically stated otherwise in Book Seven or something.

Hermione: Shut up and let me vomit up the textbook. Boggarts are shape shifters.

Harry: What, like an Animagus or a werewolf or something?

Lupin: Huh boy.

Hermione: Let me finish, bitchface. They take the shape of whatever the person fears the most, though how it would make a more abstract fear I'm not entirely sure.

iheartmwpp: Siriusly, several of my friends' worst fear is being raped, how exactly would the boggart portray that? And mine is fire, so would the entire classroom burst into flames or would the boggart just turn into a single lit match on the floor? Both would have the same effect, quite frankly. And what if someone's afraid of the dark, would all the lights just go out? I'm pretty sure Dan Radcliffe said at one point that his worst fear was a nuclear holocaust, so would the boggart literally blow up the Earth in that case? I need details, people!

Hermione: You never know until you run into one. That's what makes them so—

Lupin: So terrifying, yes.

Hermione: HOW DARE YOU CUT ME OFF I CUT YOUR FACE OFF BITCH!

Lupin: That's nice. Luckily, a very simple charm exists to repel a boggart.

Boggart in the Wardrobe: I WANT OUT!

Lupin: In a sec, I'm just teaching these kids how to finish you off.

Boggart in the Wardrobe: Oh, that's all right then—HEY!

Lupin: Let's practice it now, without wands, since I don't want you lot cursing me if you fuck it up. Also iheart can't really fuck with this scene since I am such a good teacher. After me: Riddikulus!

Students: Riddikulus.

Lupin: Very good. Once more, very clearly, listen: Riddikulus!

Students: Riddikulus!

Malfoy: This class is riddikulus.

Lupin: Your face is riddikulus! As for the rest of you, that was well done, but the incantation alone is not enough. What really finishes a boggart is laughter, which is actually rather nifty since this is basically the monster that lives under the bed or in the closet or whatever and laughing at it is a great way for kids to get over their irrational fears. You need to force your worst fear into a shape you find truly amusing. Let me explain. Ah, Neville! You look like you need a massive confidence boost! Would you join me, please?

Neville: I don't wanna.

Lupin: Oh come on, I don't bite when I'm like this! And I try not to bite the rest of the time, either!

Neville: …Okay…

Lupin: Yo. I'm probably thinking nostalgically about your parents, since fanfic rumor has it we went to school together. If not, I totally hung out with them in the Order, and am very depressed to see that their son has no self-esteem whatsoever. I shall now try to fix that by asking you to reveal your greatest fear to the entire class.

Neville: …prpfdfijfl snfioer…

Lupin: Sorry?

Neville: …Professor Snape.

Lupin: Heh, yes, he frightens us all. I'm especially worried that he'll be responsible for me losing what is most likely the only decent job I've had in a while and will ever have again. It's like he's convinced I actually meant to eat him that one time! I was presumably just a victim of circumstance, it was probably all Sirius's fault! I claim since we don't really know for sure and I didn't seem all that remorseful or guilt-ridden when I was explaining that bit in the book.

Other students: Wait a minute. Why are you so scared of Snape, Nev? The films don't actually show him treating you horribly in class, so there's really not much of a basis for you to say that.

Lupin: Yeah, why does he treat you like that, anyway, I never understood that. Harry, I can kind of get even if it's a bit childish in my opinion and I somehow don't know about Lily, but Neville? We have no indication of whether Severus got on with Frank and Alice or not, why does he hate you?

Neville: The prophecy.

Harry: What about it?

Neville: It was going to be either you or me, and The-Man-Who-Actually-Almost-Did-What-One-Of-His-Servants-Wanted chose you. Meaning he chose to kill your mum. If he'd chosen my parents instead, Lily wouldn't have died and Snape probably wouldn't have had a problem with me. Mostly 'cause I would've been dead, since The-Guy-Who-Didn't-Personally-Ruin-MY-Life wouldn't have had a reason to ask my mum to move.

Harry: …Wow, I never thought about it that way before.

Lupin: Indeed, that was most illuminating. Now, let's lighten the mood with me asking what your grandmother usually wears!

Neville: …That doesn't lighten the mood at all, I'm more disturbed than ever.

Lupin: Don't be, listen to this. *whispers…OMINOUSLY*

Neville: Oh…Oh-ho-ho…Wow, you really are a Marauder!

Moony: I try. Think you can do that?

Neville: Hells yeah!

Lupin: Alrighty then! Wand at the ready, three, two, one… *canonically uses his WAND to open the door, unlike everyone else in the movie*

Snape: I am bitter and depressed.

Neville: OH SWEAT MERCIFUL LORD TAKE ME NOW!

Lupin: Come on, you can do it! I believe in you!

Neville: …Really? In all likelihood, no one ever really said that to me before!

Harry: Wow, your childhood must suck as much as mine.

Neville: Well I didn't have to sleep in a cupboard, but I did get constantly compared to my apparently perfect parents and have unrealistic expectations thrust upon me from infancy, and whenever I failed to be like my father I was looked on with severe disappointment.

Harry: Yeah, I never had to experience that. *glares at Remus*

Lupin: Hey, that was more Sirius than me!

Harry: You're here, he's not.

Snape: You forget the part where I'm menacingly advancing toward you?

Neville: Oh, right. *deep breath* I got this, I got this…I don't got this.

Lupin: You do got this! Just don't believe in yourself!

Neville: …Huh?

Lupin: *poses dramatically, finger pointed to the heavens* BELIEVE IN THE ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU!

Neville: That makes no sense…but okay! Riddikulus!

Fandom: *rejoices*

Snape: I am not amused.

Students: We are! This is so perfect! Where's Colin with his camera when you need him, this is so brilliant! Neville, your badass status is currently on the rise, mate! We'll make a BAMF out of you yet!

Snape: Damn it, Lupin! We're both adults now! I demand that you stop acting like a child, or I'll tell Dumbledore and have you expelled!

Lupin: Hey, I'm trying to give the small child you regularly torment some confidence in himself, and I deemed this the most prudent fashion! Look, I'm sorry we were such assholes to you way back when, but there's really no need for you to treat all Gryffindors like you do because of it! You're just making the situation worse!

Snape: Yeah, I'm a boggart, moron, try telling the real one that.

Lupin: I rather like my bits where they are, thanks. The rest of you, don't talk to me right now. I want to fix that in my mind forever…Okay, done! Very, very well done indeed, I doubt the four of us could've done better! Now to the back where you'll have to hang out with people who'll start to bring down your self-esteem again and where you won't be able to see anything!

Neville: Well, this bit of happiness in my life was good while it lasted.

Students: *are literally shoving and beating each other to have a decent place in line*

Lupin: *is too busy fumbling with the record player to notice*

iheartmwpp: *wants to see some Alan Rickman in a Dress outtakes*

Ron: Crap, how'd I get to the front of the line?

Lupin: All right, now I want everyone, everyone, to think of the thing they fear the very most, and transform it into something…hang on, let me set up the record…funny. And no, I will not give those at the front much time to figure things out. And if you have a fear you don't particularly want people finding out about, tough shit, this will be good for you, I promise. I'm not even letting you off the hook if you're scared of an abusive family member or something — I really should look into Neville's situation with his grandmother, he seemed far too terrified for her to be raising him in a healthy environment — it'll be a way to remove you from that situation and away from the people who are mistreating you, don't you want that? As for those more abstract fears…well, we'll get to them if and when we get to them, shall we? Next! Ron!

Rifftrax: You gotta hand it to a teacher who supplies his own wacky montage music.

Ron: Sigh, might as well get this over with.

Lupin: Concentrate, face your fear. Be brave!

Snape: Finally, I can change out of that hideous outfit!

MASSIVE BLACK WIDOW SPIDER FROM HELL: Oh hai Ron.

Students: *should honestly be more freaked out by this. What, is Ron the only arachnophobic character in canon or something?*

Spider: I can haz redhead?

Lupin: Hurry up and get your wand out already!

Audience: Why did the music suddenly get so dark and menacing? This is one really well-timed record Lupin's got there.

iheartmwpp: I could have sworn the point of playing the record was to purposefully create a Soundtrack Dissonance so that the boggart wouldn't seem as terrifying to the kids. I can't believe I'm saying this, but…John Williams totally ruined that desired effect. There I said it, and I'm not apologizing for it. So nyah.

Ron: Riddikulus!

Spider: Shit, shit, shit, I only know how to ice-skate!

Audience: …Where would Ron even have heard of a Muggle contraption like roller blades?

Harry: Nice one, mate! High five! *high fives*

Lupin: Well done, Ron, excellent, very, very enjoyable, Parvati! Next!

Audience: Wait, Seamus was next in line, did he chicken out or something? WTF?

Parvati: Hi! I'm gonna be recast next film! I'm sure this will surprise no one!

Boggart: *turns into a basilisk-sized cobra*

Book readers: …Her boggart was a mummy, did these guys read the books at all?

Parvati: And I shall also be left handed until next film!

iheartmwpp: RUBBISH! FILTH! SLIME! MUCK! BOO, BOO, BOO!

Parody readers: …WTF?

iheartmwpp: Oh come on, eventually most people, keyword of course being most, will acknowledge that homosexual people are actually humans with feelings and that they deserve rights, just like they did with black people and women and probably other minority groups we didn't go over in history classes. After that's over, we, as humans, will need some random, easily repressible minority group to hate, especially in America. I just know those left-handed freaks are next!

Parody readers: You hypocritical, prejudiced bitch!

iheartmwpp: Oh, you mustn't think I'm prejudiced! I have quite a few token left-handed friends!

Parody readers: …You disgust me.

iheartmwpp: Good, then my work here is done!

Parvati: Yeah, Imma go back to not being eaten to death by this massive cobra now.

Harry: Meh, I could help you out if I had to.

Lupin: Do I even know you're a Parselmouth?

Harry: *shrugs* Why, what would be your opinion on it?

Lupin: Dude, I'm a freaking werewolf, I'd probably understand your position better than most.

Harry: Oh my God ADOPT ME.

Parvati: And now to make sure no one ever feels anything good ever again. Riddikulus!

Boggart: *TURNS INTO THE MOST HORRIFYING THING EVER IMAGINABLE*

Class: *guffaws and has a lovely chortle fest*

EVERYONE ELSE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER: *PISSES THEMSELVES WITH TERROR*

Lupin: Congrats! You just earned a failing grade for the rest of the year for not understanding the assignment at all. Get to the back. Next! I call out without even seeing who's actually next!

Harry: Okay! *skips to the front of the class* Wow, this boggart is taking a long while to change, isn't it…and I just realized what my worst fear would be…

Lupin: And I just realized that you're up next.

Boggart: *CLEARLY TURNS INTO A FUCKING DEMENTOR*

Lupin: Wow, I can't even make the excuse that I tried to block it from attacking you before it changed, since I'm clearly shown moving after it already transformed. So in this case, it really does look like I don't think you can handle the dementor.

Harry: While you probably would be right at this point, you could've at least let me try. Asshole.

Lupin: Apparently I was eating an apple during this class. Please let me not be one of those hypocritical teachers who wouldn't let their students eat while class was in session but they themselves did anyway.

Boggart: *CLEARLY TURNS INTO THE FUCKING MOON, COMPLETE WITH CLOUD COVER*

Movie watchers: What, is he a werewolf or something?

Book readers: *spall themselves* Could you have at least attempted to be subtle?

Alfonso Cuarón: I do not know the meaning of this strange English word.

Lupin: Riddikulus!

Balloon: *makes a lot more sense if you're trying to make a boggart turn into something funny, unless there's some kind of backstory to the cockroach that we'll never hear ever* WHEEEEEEEEE NO I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK IN THE WARDROBE NOOOOOOOO — Oh hai Mr. Tumnus!

Lupin: Sorry about that, um, since I'm incredibly shaken by what I've just witnessed and am now paranoid that you'll figure out my secret since you've all seen my worst fear, I'd like you all to leave now, if you don't mind.

Students: Awww, we wanted to be terrified out of our minds too!

Lupin: I'm sure that freakish clown thing should be enough to satisfy you, now GTFO.

Harry: Hang on, I have to stare at my reflection for a while again.

Rifftrax: I feel robbed of a record-scratch moment. I mean, there was an actual record playing, for God's sake!

~And then apparently Harry just leaves, not once trying to question Remus right then and there, and Remus just lets him. Weird.~

Review or you will be faced with ten boggarts living in your underwear drawer. THAT'S RIGHT I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!


	8. Teh MAKE UP YOUR MIND, IS HE GAY OR NOT?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Vicar of Dibley, and Rifftrax.

~Permission slips should be more about finding which families don't care for their child's happiness in the slightest, 'cause this kind of shit always happens.~

Three random girls: Wait for us, wait for us!

Students: Wait, why are we all dressed in Muggle clothing? This kind of takes away from the whole magic experience a bit. Hell, don't a fourth of us stereotypically hate Muggles and everything they stand for? Why would they be wearing Muggle clothes as well? We are so freaking confused…

iheartmwpp: That's a lot of third years. The year…group…things must be bigger than we thought.

McGonagall: Now, remember, these visits to Hogsmede are a privilege only given to people who's families give a shit about them! Should your behavior reflect poorly on the school in any way, those privileges will be revoked maybe until the end of the school year, after which we will promptly forget about it. It's probably not really enforced unless you really fuck things up anyway, otherwise the Weasley twins would probably never be able to go back. Not that they wouldn't sneak in anyway, but it's the principle of the thing.

Harry: *runs up to her with a crumpled form in his hand*

McGonagall: And I totally already figured that there was no way your form could have been signed since I knew from watching them how fucked up your relatives are. Sorry, but Hogwarts doesn't make exceptions for celebrities, unlike the Ministry.

Harry: I wasn't going for that angle at all, I—

Filch: I laugh at your unhappiness and shall continue to rub the fact that you can't go in your face.

Harry: No, Professor, I figured if you signed it then I could go, since I presumably see you as a sort of grandmother-like figure.

McGonagall: I still can't, even if you do see me that way, only an actual legal guardian can sign. Since I am neither that nor your parent, it would be inappropriate.

iheartmwpp: *shudders at the thought of the fanfiction that was probably written based on that last statement*

Harry: Why does my life suck so much? Just one year of happiness, that's all I ask!

McGonagall: I'm sorry, Potter, but in all honesty, we probably would've confined you to the castle, form or not, on account of us not wanting you to be brutally murdered.

Harry: Really? Would you have actually told me about Black supposedly being after me then?

McGonagall: …Maybe…

Hermione: Maybe we should stay behind with you…

Ron: Or we could totally go into the village anyway and bring you back lots of candy and weird useless trinkets.

Hermione: Ronald, don't be so selfish, can't you see—

Harry: Candy? I want candy! GET ME CANDY!

Hermione: All right, all right, we're going!

Ron: Wait, I'm dirt poor, so unless you're financially comfortable how are we even going to get him loads of candy?

Harry: Let's just pretend that I gave you money with which to buy me said candy.

Ron: Okay, that works. Bye!

Hermione: I'm waving awkwardly, bye!

Harry: And I'm standing under the Giant Clock Tower of When The Fuck Did We Get A Giant Clock Tower.

~I'm kinda wondering why this conversation didn't take place in Remus's office, since the grindylow comment in Film Seven kind of comes out of nowhere. What, did they just put off designing the creature till the nexy film?~

Lupin: How the hell did we meet up, anyway? Did I fancy a walk and you start randomly following me or something?

Harry: Iunno. Erm…Professor Lupin, can I ask you something?

Lupin: You want to know where the hell this bridge came from and why everything in this movie is vastly different from the first two, yes? I thought that would be obvious, after all we do have a new director who has a vastly different approach than the last one. He's more concerned with the look of the film than the actual plot, or so it would seem. Speaking of, it's a rather romantic view from up here, isn't it?

Harry: That's just it, these scenes we have together kind of make it seem like you're coming on to me. Is…is there something I should know?

Lupin: Well, other than the fact that half the fandom, including David Thewlis going into the role on account of the director, thought I was gay at this point…actually, this kind of makes me look like a pedophile, doesn't it? Huh. Yeah, I have no idea what the director was thinking for this scene. Or the rest of the movie for that matter.

Harry: Me neither. Also, boggarts.

Lupin: Oh, right, yes. Maybe instead of forcing you to all just tackle your worst fear with barely a warning, I should've done what I did with Neville and gone through each of the students' fears so we'd all know what we were up against. Not to mention most people would automatically assume you were scared of Voldemort, and it looks like I was one of them.

Harry: I sort of was too, actually, but…well, you saw how I acted with those dementors.

Lupin: Huh, I'm very impressed, as I suggest that dementors are actually the physical embodiment of fear rather than depression. Or maybe I just want to rip off FDR in order to sound smarter, who knows?

Harry: It seems that I do already trust you quite well as I admit to hearing things right before I passed out. It's a good thing you don't turn out to be evil later, for once.

Lupin: Dementors cause us to relive our very worst memories, sort of. It really only gives the audio of the memory rather than truly reliving it, though I suppose your imagination and the actual memory could fill in any potential gaps, assuming you can picture it well enough.

Harry: …I think I heard my mother screaming my name the night she was murdered.

Rifftrax: Yeah, yeah. Look, kid, you told me you wanted to talk about extra credit out here?

Lupin: It's a shame how I never show how appreciative I probably am that you would trust me with this kind of information. Also, time to try and cheer you up by telling you about your parents, something that would have been cool to see in actual book canon. You know, the very first time I saw you, Harry…you had presumably just been born, if all the fanfiction out there is to be believed. So let's go with the first time I saw you again since my best friend died.

Harry: What, didn't feel up for a visit?

Lupin: Pottermore never even suggested me considering it, so I suppose not.

Harry: Huh. Dick.

Lupin: Shaddup, I’m sure you could infer Dumbledore saying it was a bad idea or me not wanting to get too attached or something to the effect of me not wanting to eat you.

Harry: I guess…

Lupin: Anyway, I recognized you immediately.

Harry: Bloody scar.

Lupin: No, not that actually.

Harry: Oh, it's because I'm practically Dad's clone, right?

Lupin: No, it was because of your eyes.

Harry: …My eyes were closed at the time, considering I was unconscious, you strange, creepy man.

Lupin: They're your mother, Lily's.

Book readers: ABOUT FUCKING TIME, YOU FUCKING MORONS!

Harry: Wait, you knew her?

Lupin: Yes. Oh yes, I knew her…

Harry: …Exactly how well did you know her?

Remus/Lily shippers: *are going insane*

New Remus/Lily shippers: *are born*

David Thewlis: Wait, I thought you said my character was gay?

Alfonso Cuarón: Eh, he and Lily were just friends, obviously.

David Thewlis: …And he wasn't just friends with the other three? Come to think of it, was he ever friends with Lily in canon, since he spends most of the time talking about James?

Alfonso Cuarón: …I have no idea. Just take my word for it, Lupin's totally a gay junkie.

Pottermore biography thing: *comes out*

Alfonso Cuarón: …Fuck.

Lupin: Hang on a sec, let me walk to the other side of the bridge while I'm lost in my memories.

Harry: Kay, I'll stay here then.

Lupin: Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to book readers who know that, up until the war, me and my three best mates were practically inseparable, but this film is weird like that.

Said book readers: …Is this canon?

Pottermore: Not really.

Lupin: Not only was Lily an extraordinarily gifted witch, but she was an uncommonly kind woman.

iheartmwpp: She had absolutely no flaws and was basically the Virgin Mary, is what you’re insinuating.

Lupin: She had the way of seeing the beauty in others even, and most especially perhaps when that person could not see it in themselves.

iheartmwpp: Also Jesus, apparently.

Harry: Again, exactly how close were you two?

Book readers: So that's why she was friends with Snape for so long!

What Harry's reaction should have been: So can you tell me more things about her? Like how did she and Dad meet? How did they fall in love? When did they get married? What was Mum's favorite class? Where did she work after Hogwarts? How old was she when she had me? How did—

What Harry's reaction actually was: No, do go on, I'll just wait for you and anyone else who feels like it to tell me things about my parents instead of actually showing any curiosity whatsoever.

Lupin: You know, I probably would give you explicit details about their lives if you had bothered to ask me questions—

Harry: Oh my God ADOPT ME.

Lupin: —but since you don't, I think I'll just continue to generalize about both of your parents and never offer up any specific examples. Like when I say that your father was a trouble maker and never really go beyond that. I hear that trait's practically genetic now.

Harry: Not really. From the sound of it Dad seems more like the type who would cause trouble for the hell of it, and I do it only to save people I care about and/or the entire world/country.

Lupin: Perhaps. Still, you're more like them than you know, Harry, and while saying something like that may be a comfort to a young orphan with no memory of either parent, it also implies that I'd prefer copies of them instead of actually appreciating you as yourself.

Harry: What an asshole. Wait, you were talking about my dad before, did you know him well too?

Lupin: Well duh, that is practically the plot of this installment…oh wait, our backstory got cut. Shit. Anyway! To answer your question, yes. Oh yes, I knew him…

Harry: Sigh, here we go again.

Audience: Huh. He seems quite paternal around Harry.

Book Four: *introduces the concept of Switching Spells briefly in chapter 15*

Crazy people who need something to theorize about while they wait for Book Five to come out: OMFG Remus and James totally switched souls and/or bodies before the Potters died, so Remus actually died with Lily and James is really alive right now! Sucks that he's a werewolf now, but still!

Fanfiction writers: Pfft, that's so stupid. Remus is clearly Harry's real father! Have you ever noticed how Harry looks a little too much like James? Lily obviously cheated on James with Remus; either that or James agreed to pretend to be the father since there's probably some stupid law that says werewolves can't have kids. James and Lily then combined their talents in Transfiguration and Charms, respectively, in order to make Harry look like their kid. This also explains the Remus/Lily speech from earlier! It totally makes sense!

Everyone else: …Or it just means that Lupin himself would make a good father if given the chance.

Harry: If he gave himself the chance, more like.

~I don't care how much crap the filmmakers seemed to add for the sheer hell of it, I fucking love this scene. Yes, I am that much of a fangirl. Deal with it.~

iheartmwpp: This deleted scene is actually pretty decent, having everyone jammed in the Great Hall and showing off everything they just got in Hogsmede. There are a few items strewn about that actually look magical, something the later films tend to lack for whatever reason.

Hermione: …And pointless crap about a post office that no one cares about because Hedwig will always be around to carry your mail for you no matter what. Except when you have to occasionally use a different owl to avoid suspicion. Or in the very, very unlikely event that she dies or something.

Ron: Honeydukes sweetshop is brilliant, and I bet that's one of the places people most want to go to when they actually go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando, I know iheart does. Oddly, I think Zonko's is better, even though that's more up my brothers' alley than mine. Meh, maybe I'm just trying to appeal to the Marauder genes or something. We never did get a chance to go to the Shrieking Shack, though, not that I'm foreshadowing anything. You've heard it's supposedly—

Harry: Supposedly the most haunted building in Britain. Yeah, I know…though I don't exactly know how they decided that, since we never really compare it to anything else besides Hogwarts.

Hermione: And now for me to obviously pretend that it sucked after a while.

Harry: Yeah, I see what you're trying to do there, you're not being subtle in the least and I can tell you're lying.

Ron: Also, after two years you'd think that you figured out some aspects of my personality, like how I don't pick up on things as quickly as you because my IQ happens to be under two hundred. Siriusly, you should've told me before we met up with Harry again that we were to pretend it sucked ass, otherwise I sound about as convincing as you do right now. Which is to say we are both clearly lying through our teeth.

Harry: No kidding. Honestly, I'm not that oblivious.

Ron and Hermione: *gigglesnort*

Harry: Oh shut up.

Ron: Oh, right, I actually got you something canonical, sorry it took so long. It's supposed to be a Pocket Sneakoscope, but for one thing, it looks a bit too big to fit in the average-sized pocket, and for another IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A SPINNING TOP WHATSOEVER. If someone untrustworthy's around, it's supposed to light up and spin, and by it I guess I mean the little blue ball thing we can just barely make out through the clear plastic. Huh, maybe this scene was cut because they knew people were gonna complain about this? Anyway, it will totally never be mentioned again and is pretty much just a useless MacGuffin in the books. Really, the only purpose it has is to make people go "Holy shit, it was reacting to Scabbers the entire time!" upon rereading. Then apparently you lose this one or something because Hermione gets you a new one in Book Seven, which only activates once when we're already fully aware that we're in deep shit. So yeah, totally and completely useless, but you gotta admire my intentions, since I'm just worried about you and am convinced that…

Harry: Sirius Black's trying to kill me or, failing that, we have more than enough evidence that Voldemort and his Death Eaters are still around?

iheartmwpp: OMFG I WANT THAT TINY QUIDDITCH SET THE TWINS ARE PLAYING WITH!

Harry: I'm glad you had a good time. Honestly, I had a chat with Lupin about my parents in the meantime, and we all know how much I love hearing about them even if I never ask about them. Also this scene totally shows that I'm a really good friend, since I've gotten over my own depression and just wish for your happiness, or at least I will till the next Hogsmede trip where I will go back to angsting. And thanks for the MacGuffin, mate, we can pretend it'll actually be useful for just a little while longer. *eats random candy*

Ron: Oh, careful with those, which I'm assuming is a Pepper Imp or something. They make you…

Harry: Jesus Christ! *puts his hand near his mouth, so I assume they were going to make a crapload of smoke come out of his mouth and they never bothered finishing the effect*

Ron: Well, you get the idea…or you would if they bothered to keep this more-canonical-than-the-other-random-pointless-bits in.

~Some of the lines in this scene were transferred into the finished product in order to blatantly foreshadow them eventually ending up in the Shrieking Shack.~

Audience: YES WE GET THAT THERE ARE MOVING STAIRCASES. GET ON WITH IT.

Harry: Evidently there is something going on off-screen.

Ron: Probably because Neville forgot the password to get into Gryffindor Tower again. Which really shouldn't cause such a crowd, since someone could just shove him out of the way and say the password themselves.

Neville: True dat, yo.

Percy: EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY. I AM HEAD BOY AND THAT MEANS I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OF YOU CAN EVER HOPE TO BE EVER.

Ron: Bitch please, which Weasley was the one who helps Harry Fucking Potter save all your asses from The-Guy-Whose-Name-I-Spontaneously-Start-Saying-In-Book-Seven-For-Some-Reason-And-Then-Totally-Go-Back-To-Normal-A-Few-Chapters-Later?

Percy: Yeah, but I'm Head Boy.

Fred: So was Bill, so what?

Percy: I'm more anal and annoying than Hermione when you first meet her, that's what!

George: And you wonder why you're everyone's least favorite Weasley.

Percy: Those people will see the light soon enough.

Ron: Keep telling yourself that, bro.

Percy: Can we get back to the plot here? I was just about to warn all of you that no one is to enter this dormitory until it has been fully searched, because that's great advice to give when none of you could physically enter the Tower in the first place short of flying in through a window or something.

Harry: Even though the camera totally showed the audience what was going on, I'm incredibly short and thus cannot comprehend any of the current actions taken by my peers.

Ginny: I'll tell you, using up my one line in the movie in the process! The Fat Lady's gone and stuff! The dogs playing poker peed on the carpet! The screaming man has never looked more terrified! It took the entire last supper to calm him down!

Ron: Way to have your one line be far more useful than anything Percy does during his two scenes or whatever. Also, I'm a tactless asshole who has no care for anything beside himself, apparently, since the script makes me thing that someone deserves to get viciously slashed apart because I didn't like her singing.

iheartmwpp: You'd be surprised on how many people would agree with you while watching American Idol auditions. Also, what's with all the focus on the portraits, couldn't we have just skipped those twelve seconds it took for Dumbledore to show up?

Giraffe: I AM SO IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT OF EVERYTHING EVER! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Audience: No.

Giraffe: :'(

Dumbledore: I am understandably perplexed and alarmed at this chilling turn of events.

Filch: Meow? Meow, meow meow.

iheartmwpp: Random question: Where did Sirius get that knife? Did he steal it or something? Is it the same one he gave to Harry in the next book?

Dumbledore: Apparently there's a camera embedded into the wood. I'll just cover that up now. Anyway, Filch, round up the ghosts, because apparently you have some kind of control over them. Tell them to search every painting in the castle to find the Fat Lady.

Filch: Meow, meow meow meow, prrrrrr, mrow, meow.

Dumbledore: Oh! Nicely done!

Filch: Prrrrrrrrr, prrrrrrrr.

Students: Ooooooh, let's go look!

Percy: Stay where you are! You listen, I'm Head Boy!

Students: You'd think he'd have figured out by now that we really don't give a rat's ass.

George: You—

Fred: —really—

George: —don't—

Fred: —know—

George: —Percy—

Fred: —all—

George: —that—

Fred: —well—

Giraffe: —then.

Dumbledore: We have a painting of a hippo? In the name of Merlin's hairy left nipple, why? Oh, and what happened?

Fat Lady: There was a man with a beard and a huge knife that attacked me because I wouldn't let him in without the password. I'm assuming he's Sirius Black. You would not believe how much pain I'm in right now. Nor how humiliated I am, it's a good thing I found this hippo, really.

Dumbledore: And the man with the beard?

Fat Lady: …A llama.

Dumbledore: AHAHAHAHAHA! Imagine Moses looking like a llama! No wonder everyone took such notice of him!

Fat Lady: Ding, ding! Everyone off! Loony Land, city center!

Dumbledore: Secure the castle, Mr. Filch, since you're only one man who is unable to perform magic, and I'm sure that won't hinder you in the slightest. The rest of you, we're shoving you into the Great Hall for the night, so you won't be able to do homework or take showers or anything. However, we are trying to protect your lives, so who cares.

Ron: Okay, let's go.

Harry: Hang on, I have to stare incredulously at the painting for a bit longer as I panic about what the Fat Lady just told us.

Hermione: And I have to be the only one of us who is visibly worried that Black was after Harry.

Ron: Hooray for me being portrayed as some shit-head who doesn't care that his best friend's life may have been ended if Black had succeeded in breaking in!

~…There was a full-looking moon and what sounded like a wolf howling. Um…~

Review or Sirius will slash up all of your paintings!


	9. Teh TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, "Hey Remus!" by the Whomping Willows, cutietrp, Twilight, or Rifftrax.

~I wanna see the full outtake of Michael Gambon dancing with Alan Rickman laughing in the background, no fair!~

Audience: Yep. The door is locking. Fascinating. Um, you realize you're probably locking Black into the castle with all of the small children you supposedly wish to protect, right?

Dementors: Huzzah, we have completely established that we are utterly useless!

Filch: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow.

Dumbledore: Cool.

Snape: And I've checked the Whomping Willow, there are no signs of anyone going near that aside from the year-old tire marks.

Dumbledore: Yeah, I figured the Shrieking Shack would be too obvious and that Black would've left already.

Snape: Wonder why he picked tonight of all nights, though, since he's probably been here for a while.

Dumbledore: He probably thought it would be karmic justice to carry out the murder he was imprisoned for on the anniversary of the death of his best friend. Not that we're acknowledging that it's Halloween or anything, but hey, I'm just throwing out guesses here.

Snape: Still, the fact that he was able to sneak into the castle at all, completely undetected, was a rather remarkable feat, don't you think?

Dumbledore: …Severus Snape? Complementing Sirius Black? OH MY GOD, THE WORLD IS ENDING!

Snape: No it's not, I'm trying to allude to the fact that it's actually impossible for him to have done it on his own!

Dumbledore: Nonsense, Voldemort managed it two years ago, there's probably no reason to think the man who we assume is his most faithful servant couldn't manage the same thing.

Snape: But sir, He-Who-Was-Basically-Forced-To-Slowly-Suffocate-For-A-Year-Due-To-The-Damn-Turban had inside help.

Dumbledore: Oh yes, that's a very good point.

Snape: From the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

Dumbledore: …So what exactly are you trying to get at?

Snape: That Lupin has been helping Black into the castle, you barmy old codger!

Dumbledore: Ohhhh, okay. I totally don't believe that.

Snape: Headmaster, those two were bestest friendly-friends while at Hogwarts! Possibly more than that, if half the fandom is to be believed!

Dumbledore: Yeah, wonder why that is, anyway?

iheartmwpp: Dude, I already answered this in the bonus chapter thingy.

Dumbledore: Yeah, but why would they think that in the first place?

Snape: …You're Siriusly attempting to figure out how a fangirl's mind works?

iheartmwpp: Well, as one myself, I can at least sort of give you a few reasons. Since James married Lily and hardly anyone even bothers to remember Peter, Sirius and Remus were sort of left over and fangirls basically just stuck them together. My personal theory is that Harry, Ron, Hermione, and I suppose Neville are basically a Generation Xerox of James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter if he remained awesome, respectively, and since Ron/Hermione is canon then so must be Sirius/Remus. While I don't really believe it's cannon and prefer to think of them as brothers, I do enjoy reading about this pairing and it's far more plausible than some others I've seen. Honestly, Lily and Greyback?!

Dumbledore: No kidding. Anyway, Severus, you forget the fact that James and Peter were Remus's bestest friendly-friends as well, and at this point we all blame Black for their deaths. I'm pretty damn sure that Remus wouldn't forget about that so easily. Now tomorrow we'll move the students back into their houses, assuming we manage to get someone to replace the Fat Lady by the morning so the portrait can actually be opened.

Snape: I appear to actually show concern for Potter and, even more shockingly, I'm suggesting that you tell him what the fuck is going on for once.

Harry: Nah, it's cool, I already know the part where he's after me.

Dumbledore: You do? That's good, considering I had no intention of telling you anyway. And now let me yammer pointlessly about dreaming so I can avoid ever answering you as to if I'll ever tell him anything useful in his life.

Snape: Way to fail at life.

iheartmwpp: So adding fifteen seconds here, that's currently…six minutes and seventeen seconds of wasted movie, and probably quite a bit more that I just haven't counted. Also if I did the math right, which is doubtful. A summary of the Marauder backstory could totally take less than five minutes, what the fuck are these people thinking?

~I'm the only one who likes these Whomping Willow scenes, aren't I?~

Leaf #1: It's no good. I-I just can't go on. *sob* I'm no good anymore! I-I want to end it all! *sob* Good-bye! Good-bye! AAAAAHHHH! *falls down to the ground*

Leaf #2: *gasps* Oh my God! Oh, no! I…What'll I do? I can't live without him! I-I….AAAAAAAAHHH! *falls down to the ground.

Leaf #3: Mummy!

Leaf #4: Mum, where are you?

Leaf #3: Daddy? Mum, Mummy?

Leaf #4: *gasps* Mummy? What are you doing—

Leaves #3 and #4: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! *fall down to the ground*

Leaves #5 to #47,713,896,548: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! *fall down to the ground*

Whomping Willow: Getting a bit cold now…Why hasn't Moony visited yet? Honestly, it's not like I'm going anywhere! And I could've sworn I saw Padfoot skirting around the edge of the Forest, wonder what he's up to…and more importantly, why he hasn't stopped for a quick chat, either. Jesus, I haven't seen these guys in well over a decade and this is how I'm treated? Gah, why did we even hang out in the first place?

~The Order of the Phoenix is a cool place to be/But it must be out of order if it doesn't have me/And what's with Nymphadora messing with my fantasy, Remus?~

Sir Cadogan: Hello, everyone, I'll be your new incredibly annoying portrait for…Merlin knows how long, really, we never actually see the Fat Lady reinstated, which sucks because it means no more Vicar of Dibley jokes until the next parody. Also, I think I should perhaps look into getting a smaller sword. *falls over*

Seamus: He's a bit off, isn't he?

Dean: Hey, be thankful we even have anyone to guard the portrait hole. Siriusly, where were they gonna plan on making us sleep if we couldn't get in or out anymore?

Neville: He keeps changing the password, though, which I guess is good for security, but it's really messing with my head. I've taken to keeping a list, and it's usually on my bedside table. I say in case any part-Kneazles hear me and want to help out any unregistered Animagi they may or may not have befriended.

Ron: You lot keep forgetting that this rather significant part of the plot has been cut.

Harry: I suggest we use the buddy system. Neville makes sure to stay with at least one of us at all times, and that way, there would be no need for a list since whoever you're with will most likely know the password.

Neville: I appreciate the thought, Harry, but that would be intelligent, so let's not do it.

Harry: If you say so.

Sir Cadogan: Later, y'all! Let me know if any of you need random directions somewhere, since that's basically my only use besides spouting useless rubbish.

Ron: No kidding, we'd only call you if we ever need anyone mental, and Luna's way more awesome than you will ever be.

Sir Cadogan: True dat, yo.

~And now for the only time we will ever see Severus teaching DADA, despite it kind of being a big deal in Book Six.~

Students: I'm so excited, I wonder what Professor Lupin's gonna teach us today! He's such a great teacher, I wish he'd been around for the past two years. And I wish he'd stick around for the next four, quite frankly.

Snape: Hate to ruin all your hopes and dreams…wait a minute, no I don't. In fact, I rather relish in it. Also light is evil, never open these windows again.

Harry: That's not exactly your choice to make until three years from now, sir. Right now, this is Professor Lupin's classroom.

Snape: Shut up and turn to page three hundred and ninety four.

Ron: Why am I sitting next to some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie instead of some actual canonical character such as, Merlin forbid, Harry or Hermione?

cutietrp: *throws her shoe at the screen*

Audience: …How would wizards have even heard of an overhead projector?

Harry: Speaking of Professor Lupin, where is he?

Snape: That's not really your concern, is it, Potter?

Harry: What, I'm not allowed to feel concerned about an adult who actually cares about my well-being for once?

Snape: Nope. Suffice it to say your professor is incapable of teaching at the present time.

Harry: …That can mean so many things, so please for the love of all that is good in the world tell me he'll be okay.

Snape: Unfortunately. Turn to page three hundred and ninety four! *taps overhead projector…again, why and how? Does not compute, does not compute*

Ron: Yawn.

Snape: *forces his book to the correct page*

Ron: *stares incredulously* Were-Chihuahuas?

Movie watchers: He's trying to foreshadow that Lupin's a werewolf, isn't he?

Book readers: DAMN IT MOVIE! IN THE BOOKS NONE OF US EVER SAW IT COMING, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS? And yes, he's kind of a douche like that.

Movie watchers: Why, what did Lupin ever do to him? Is this just because of the boggart that we never even see him hearing about?

Book readers: …Yeah. Boggart. Let's go with that since you'll never understand anything ever.

Hermione: But sir, we've just been learning about Red Caps, even though that should've been covered already, and hinkypunks. We're not meant to foreshadow anything for weeks!

Snape: Well I'm getting bored and want to insert some plot into this damn thing, so STFU.

Ron: Siriusly, you weren't sitting next to anyone until eight seconds ago, how the fuck is she suddenly there?

Harry: Why are you asking me?

Snape: Now, which one of you can tell me the difference between a werewolf and a were-Chihuahua?

Hermione: OOOOHHH! OOOHHH! I TOTALLY KNOW THIS ONE! PICK ME, PLEASE, I'VE READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Snape: Wait, none of you know about werewolves? Siriusly? I mean, you were doing homework on ways to treat werewolf bites in Book One, Granger even looked up the 1637 Werewolf Code of Conduct just in case she needed to know it!

Vast majority of students: Yeah, that was two years ago, you really can't expect us to remember that. It's like every other class ever, the info just leaks out of your head the moment the exam is over.

Hermione: I remember!

Snape: I don't care.

Hermione: Please, sir. While a werewolf and a were-Chihuahua are similar in some ways, such as turning into a murderous ravening beast once a month under the full moon, there are several key differences. Werewolves generally resemble wolves except for a few small discrepancies. The snout is slightly shorter, the pupils are slightly smaller, it has a tufted tail, it’ll attack humans on sight, and while in human form they often appear sickly leading up to and a bit after the day of the full moon. Plus, according to the transformation in the book, they generally sprout fur. Were-Chihuahuas, on the other hand, are hairless freaks with no tail whatsoever, and they tend to perch on two legs for some reason.

Rifftrax: Tsk. Backstory…Wizard speak…Jargon…Mythology combined with folklore, put forth as an original idea…Rubbish presented, matter-of-factly.

Hermione: Furthermore, Pottermore recently revealed that powdered silver mixed with dittany actually heals wounds caused by werewolves, negating the massive loads of fanfics that once said otherwise. And there was canonical evidence for this being false, anyway: There's this one scene in Book Five where Mundungus is drooling over Sirius's goblets and asks if they're real silver, and Sirius replies in the affirmative. Later that same scene, and I quote, "Lupin, who had been about to take a sip of wine, lowered his goblet slowly, looking wary." I think Harry would have noticed if he'd been wearing gloves or something and pointed that out. Ergo, silver has no effect on werewolves, at least while they're human. Also, for the love of Merlin's fluffy dressing gown, Pottermore made absolutely no mention of werewolves suddenly gaining sensitive hearing and smell, faster reflexes, superhuman strength, or whatever else when they're bitten, so would you please stop adding these to fics already!

iheartmwpp: Siriusly, someone find me a fic that doesn't do this. Besides Oblivious and Imperius by Jess Pallas, I've already read those. Repeatedly. And while you're at it, find me an amazing Marauder story where Padfoot and Moony aren't a gay couple. Tall order, I know, but it gets incredibly boring after a while.

Hermione: Oh, and were-Chihuahuas will only respond to really fake-sounding howls. With werewolves, you're basically fucked unless you have an unregistered Animagus around to help fight it off.

Malfoy: FEAR MY REALLY FAKE HOWL OF DOOM!

Snape: Thank you, Mr. Malfoy, that was almost as fake-sounding as Miss Granger's will be later. Now then, that is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, why do you always have to show off your knowledge like that? Siriusly, why, let other people answer for a change, because this is getting obscenely annoying now.

Ron: I refuse to stand up for her in this version! I'm such a great friend!

Snape: Five points from Gryffindor, and that's the only time house points will be mentioned this movie. Also evidently I want you to actually do the homework no matter what Lupin says, since I want it on my desk Monday morning.

Malfoy: Who'da thunk I'd be good at origami? And could it be any plainer that the cast and sling are not necessary in the slightest.

Snape: The homework will be two rolls of parchment on recognizing and killing were-Chuhuahuas because I'm a vindictive bastard and at times like these iheart really can't fathom why I'm her third favorite.

Students: Two rolls of parchment?

Harry: Sir, it's Quidditch tomorrow, since I obviously know that excuse will totally work on you!

Book readers: How is it Quidditch tomorrow, DADA's on Thursdays and Quidditch is played on Saturdays...Huh, it said it was the next day in the book as well, that's really weird, maybe it's a mistake or something...

Snape: *leans in waaaay too close*

Harry: Does anyone in the Wizarding World have a concept of personal space?

Snape: Quidditch is no excuse whatsoever, you'd think after two years you would have learned that by now, or maybe you really are as thick as your father. Page three hundred and ninety four.

Harry: I'm already turned to that page, though.

Snape: Oh. Well…carry on then. *goes back to the freaking overhead projector, the existence of which still greatly disturbs me* Blah, blah, you can't even hear me because you're paying too much attention to the UST between Malfoy and Potter, blah blah…

Harry:*opens note thing* …The fuck is this?

Malfoy: I drew a picture of you.

Harry: *stares at picture*

Malfoy: Do you see what's happening to you in it? It's you getting hit in the head with a Quaffle. *giggles* Don't you feel foolish? *gets up and points* That's me, that one. That's me. And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good.

Harry: How did you get it to move, anyway?

Malfoy: Um, magic? Duh?

Harry: Yeah, but you're a third year, same as me, and I never learned shit like that.

Malfoy: This just proves I'm better than you. Either that or you just use the same five or so spells over and over again while basically refusing to learn anything outside class beyond the occasional Patronus.

Harry: …Touché.

Snape: And my lecture continues in the background! The only way to become a werewolf is to be bitten and you cannot in fact be born one. Apparently you can be born a were-Chihuahua, though, who knows. Also, if you're a shape shifter, then you're NOT A FUCKING WEREWOLF. Just sayin'.

~What? No, I'm not insulting a different franchise, what are you talking about?~

Review or be attacked by Snape's magical overhead projector of DOOOOM!


	10. Teh WAY TO IGNORE THE RULES OF QUIDDITCH

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Serenity, one of cutietrp's ideas again, or Rifftrax.

~…What's with the umbrella? Siriusly?~

Two Hufflepuff players: Did we just fly by, or did two Gryffindors? We FIND it hard to tell in this weather.

Bludger: I REGRET NOTHING!

One of the twins: Damn it, meant to hit the camera…

Gryffindor section: Siriusly? Gryffindor-themed umbrellas? Where do we get this stuff?

Hermione: I AM SHOWING SUDDEN APPRECIATION FOR THIS GAME FOR SOME REASON! WOO-HOO! GO HARRY!

Ron: You're suddenly really enthusiastic about Quidditch.

Hermione: Only because Harry's on the team. If he wasn't I don't think I'd bother showing up.

Ron: Still, you'd think you'd skip it considering all the extra classes you're desperately trying to not fall behind in.

Hermione: Dude, I have a freaking time machine, I can just catch up later.

Ron: And yet you never think to catch up on sleep or anything.

Dumbledore: Yeah, honestly, for the cleverest witch of your age—

Ron: You've already done that line!

Dumbledore: Awww, but it's funny!

Ron: Nobody cares. Still, you'd think I'd be cheering like crazy considering I actually care about the sport and three of my brothers are playing in it.

Hermione: Nah, that would make sense, and we can't have that in this film.

Ron: Bugger.

Filmmakers: Let's ignore the actual action of the game, shall we?

Quidditch fans: Oh come on! We demand blood!

Lightning: Wish granteeed!

Angelina: I hate my life.

Harry: What, did our Quidditch robes change as well? And I guess I understand that we'd wear goggles to keep the rain out, or something, but I'd need ones that match my prescription since I apparently can't see without my glasses. Did I manage to get a hold of special ones or something.

Angelina: Good question, now LOOK OUT BEFORE ME AND MY FIERY BROOM OF DOOM SMASH INTO YOU!

Harry: Touché. And now I'm spinning.

Cedric: Hey, Harry! Let's you and me go way out of bounds as we follow the Snitch that should be charmed never to go beyond the edges of the stadium!

Harry: Sounds good to me!

Dumbledore and McGonagall: …Where the hell are they going?

Cedric: This is rather riddikulusly high up, is it not?

Harry: No kidding, I don't think we've ever gone up this high or ever will again during a match. Did the filmmakers think there wasn't enough action in the actual game or something?

Cedric: I know, with Fred and George as the Gryffindor Beaters there's always something worth watching. Huh, it looks like our robes have changed more than we thought, look at the stripes going up the side, those weren't there last year, were they?

Harry: I don't think so. Nor do I think they were made out of this kind of material, this flaps about way more.

Snitch: You guys do know that metal conducts electricity, right?

Seeker who's supposed to be Cedric but does not in any way resemble Robert Pattinson: I'm a leaf on the wind…watch how I—

Lightning: ZOT!

Cedric: Damn it, I'm not supposed to die till the next movie!

Harry: Oh, he's all right, that's good…WOW I'm high up…Since when did I have the number seven on the back and sleeves of my Quidditch robes? Is this foreshadowing for Voldemort's fascination with the number, I wonder? And…huh?

Book readers: WTF is with the cloud thing in the sky? In the book Harry was supposed to see Padfoot watching him in the stands and mistake it for the grim, but in this case he could very well be looking at an omen of death! Actually, it looks a lot more like a wolf or something, so it could also be taken to mean Harry's just worried about writing that werewolf essay. ALSO IT'S POINTLESS.

Snitch: Hey, we're playing a game, remember?

Harry: Oh yeah, good point. Um, are you really meant to fly this high?

Snitch: I sincerely doubt it.

Harry: Well this is just rather stupid, isn't it?

Nimbus 2000: Okay Siriusly, how far up are you taking me? Did you drag me to the middle of the mesosphere or something?

Harry: And now it's hailing. Perfect, it's like being back with the flying keys again! Ah, nostalgia…

Umbrella: What the hell am I doing here, honestly?

Harry: No idea…I can't even see the Snitch now, maybe I should head back down to the troposphere and see if it turned up somewhere where I wouldn't die.

Dementor: Haaaaaaaaai.

Book readers: …Okay, we knew dementors could glide, obviously, but can they really fly? And that high up at that?

DVD watchers: And I thought Cuarón said he wanted the dementors to feel like they weren't in any hurry whenever they attacked people, to make them seem more threatening. So why are the lot of them rushing in to eat Harry's soul now?

Alfonso Cuarón: DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS! Don't forget, this movie was named film of the decade by the First Light Awards!

Book readers: Yeah, how the fuck did that happen? We get that it probably looks the most like a movie out of all the movies, but the plot was all over the fucking place.

Harry: Oh great, a dementor, I fucking hate these things…Another one? Damn it, why me, why do they always gang up on me?

Lupin: I'll tell you in the next scene, promise.

Harry: Well that's nice and all, but it doesn't help me now!

Dementors: We all seem to be ganging up on you at once.

Harry: Crap, I evidently don't know up from down anymore.

iheartmwpp: I'd just like to point out that I don't like this particular track either, I don't know what was wrong with the old music they had from the Quidditch matches. Even if John Williams just kept one element from it,that would've been cool, but in this entire soundtrack, there is like nothing besides Hedwig's Theme left over from the old music. And I fucking adored the old music.

Dementor: OM NOM NOM.

Lily: Why is it always me, how come Harry never hears James in this version? And why do I sound more like a whistling tea kettle than a human?

Harry: Okay, I'm done, that's it. GOOD-BYE, CRUEL WORLD!

Nimbus 2000: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Whomping Willow: You don't have a mouth.

Nimbus 2000: Neither do you, yet you've been bitching the whole parody.

Whomping Willow: Damn you and your logic-osity! WHOMPY SMASH!

Nimbus 2000: Ow.

Hermione: HARRY!

Ron: Why are you always the one shouting and screaming and stuff?

Hermione: Because guys aren't socially allowed to show emotion?

Ron: That's bullshit, if one of my siblings was dying you'd bet your ass I'd freak out about it!

Hermione: You might want to look up then.

Ron: Fuck you, filmmakers, why am I never shown to be anything other than a douchebag?

Harry: WHEEEEEEEEE!

Snape: I am not saving his ass again.

Dumbledore: You're no fun. Also I know wandless and noncanon magic.

Book readers: Yeah sure, now make a wandless Patronus. Can't do it, can ya?

Dumbledore: …Shut up.

~Aurgh. Wipe-out part deux.~

Ron: He looks like shit, doesn't he?

Fred: Shit? What do you expect, he fell over 328,083.9895013123 feet!

Seamus: …Why not just say 100 kilometers?

George: Because the metric system is dumb.

Fred: Least according to Americans outside of science classes.

George: And JKR herself. Lol.

Fred: And now let's slightly foreshadow the end of Book Six—

George: —by suggesting that Ronnikins take a long walk off the Astronomy tower—

Fred: —to see what he would look like—

George: —if—

Fred: —someone—

George: —were—

Fred: —to—

George: —kill—

Fred: —him—

George: —or—

Fred: —something.

Harry: As long as I don't have to watch while under a Full-Body Bind, or worse, standing around like a dumbass and do nothing.

Neville: HE LIVES!

Harry: Ish.

Hermione: How are you feeling?

Fred: You are really determined to steal everyone else's lines, aren't you?

Harry: And is there a stupider question you could have asked, I wonder?

Fred: Oi!

Hermione: YAH RLY, it's what people ask in these types of situations!

Harry: Well they shouldn't unless they want the person to lie to them.

Cedric: I seem to be dying back here.

Hufflepuff players: We FIND this to be very distressing.

Angelina: I'm not doing much better. Damn it, why is it always me?

Katie: Look on the bright side…okay, this is the shittiest bright side ever, since you'll never again be able to play Quidditch in these films…

Angelina: I hate my life.

George: Marry me after all this shit is over?

Angelina: I LOVE MY LIFE.

Fred: Okay, ANYWAY! You, as our surrogate youngest brother, kind of freaked us out a lot there.

George: Even though we should probably think this is normal by now, but we don't.

Harry: *smiles* Thanks guys, I really appreciate your concern. So what happened, anyway?

Ron: Well, you fell off your broom.

Harry: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Ron: Hey, you asked a question and I gave you the answer. If you wanted a different answer you should've been more specific. Dickweed.

Harry: I meant the match, who won, since that's obviously more important to me than my safety.

George: It's a good thing Oliver isn't in this movie to reinforce that for you then.

Harry: Ah, so that was the reason he was cut…Why are you all looking away awkwardly?

Hermione: Um, no one blames you, Harry. The dementors aren't supposed to come inside the grounds.

Ron: Could your delivery be any more flat and lifeless?

Hermione: Shut up. Anyway, Dumbledore was furious. As soon as he saved you, he sent them away.

Harry: Did he actually conjure a wandless Patronus?

Hermione: No, he just sort of shouted at them and started to strangle them. Not wanting to be subjected to that, and honestly, who would, they fled in terror. I miss the previous guy.

Ron: There's um, something else you should know, too. And since there is absolutely no way to tactfully say this, I'm just gonna come out and say that your broom blew into the Whomping Willow after you fell.

Nimbus 2000: Hey I'm dead.

Harry: I will never have just one year of happiness in this dump, will I?

EVERYONE EVER: Nope!

~And this next scene starts with Remus doing a kind of creepy voice over…You know, he tends to do that a lot…~

Lupin: I'm sorry to hear about your broomstick. The fact that you fell thousands of feet and nearly died evidently doesn't matter to me.

Harry: I love you too.

Lupin: I have to wonder, though, why we're plainly walking through the middle of the forest that students are explicitly told never to enter ever.

Harry: Hey, I'm apparently only following you for the sake of this conversation.

Lupin: That's a good point, if you're with a teacher I suppose it would be all right. Though people might think weird things about a teacher and a young boy going off into the woods alone together…

Harry: No kidding, what else do you think most fanfic writers were thinking during this scene?

Lupin: I honestly prefer not to think about it. So is there any way to fix that broom of yours or what?

Harry: Evidently not, despite that people can use freaking magic, and wandlessly at that in this film, they can't fix a piece of wood.

Lupin: Huh, that's kind of dumb.

Harry: Yep. Now make good on your promise and tell me why the dementors always seem to focus on me and why I'm the one who always passes out whenever they're around.

Hedwig: Hi! I'm actually in this scene! Been a while, hasn't it?

Lupin: Well at least you didn't say "Why do the dementors affect me so?" since no thirteen-year-old talks like that. And the way I talk about them in both the book and the film makes me a freaking expert on these demons.

iheartmwpp: I reread Book Three recently, and, paying special attention to the parts where Remus talks about dementors…I can't help but wonder if he ever had a really bad run-in with the creatures over the past twelve years. I know Pottermore mentioned nothing, but still.

Lupin: Dementors are among the foulest creatures to walk this Earth. They probably would be the foulest if little pink toads of pure, concentrated evil didn't exist. They feed on every single feeling a person has that life is actually worth living until nothing is left but the person's worst experiences. Or an empty, soulless shell, but it looks like we're not going to go too much into that in this version until Hermione mentions it in passing later. You are not weak, Harry. You're the freaking main character for Merlin's sake, if you were then no one would read this crap! The dementors affect you most of all because apparently you have the absolute worst backstory of anyone in the entire school; there are true horrors in your past, horrors your classmates can scarcely imagine.

Rifftrax: Like putting sun block on Uncle Vernon.

Lupin: And there's no shame in that, fangirls actually prefer the guys with the dark and angsty backstories.

Harry: I'm scared, Professor.

Lupin: Of what, the dementors or the fangirls?

Harry: …Little bit of both, but I think dementors rank higher at this point.

Lupin: Well I'd consider you really, really stupid if you weren't terrified of either group. And thanks once more for trusting me with this.

Harry: Hey, long as you're not evil later, it's cool.

Lupin: Awesome.

Harry: Hey, you made the dementor on the train go away, right? Can you teach me how you did that?

Lupin: There was only one that night.

Harry: …Yeah, and that night proved that it only takes one to knock me out. I need to know how to fight them so I don't repeatedly lose my soul later in the series, so if you wouldn't mind—

iheartmwpp: Wait, he has a walking stick? But I though Severus was making the potion for him this year, why would he need one?

Lupin: Well, I apparently don't pretend to be an expert on fighting dementors even though I clearly am…and in the books I followed that up by saying "quite the contrary," so…

iheartmwpp: Which only reinforces my theory that he had a really bad experience with them sometime in his life.

Lupin: But since the dementors seem to have taken a particular interest in you for the reasons we just spent this entire scene going over so I really shouldn't be phrasing this as if I'm discovering it for the first time, perhaps I should teach you so you don't end up as a soulless husk every other chapter.

Harry: Cool.

Hedwig: Told you I was here! It's nice for my existence to be acknowledged every once in a while.

Lupin: Is it okay if it waits after the obligatory Christmas scene, though? Only it's getting pretty close to a full moon and all…

Harry: Oh, no, I understand, take all the time you need.

Lupin: Thanks, Harry. I'm glad we have this time to bond.

Harry: Mm. Hey, is it okay if I pretty much forget about you entirely in favor of Sirius for the next two books?

Lupin: Sigh.

~Okay, I get that Sirius is his godfather, but Harry was hanging out with Remus for an entire year and really just talked with Sirius through letters for the most part, they only met a few times in person.~

Review or Whompy will destroy your broomstick!


	11. Teh WHY WON'T THE TWINS SHUT UP ALREADY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Frosty the Snowman, Avatar: The Last Airbender, AnnieIWillKnow's quote, cutietrp's habit of throwing her shoe at the TV screen, Naruto The Abridged Comedy Spoof Series Show, ManicMandie's idea about Malfoy that I gave to Hermione because she steals everyone's ideas and lines anyway, the Bible, and Rifftrax.

~I do like the callback to Film One with Hedwig here, and they didn't even use the Willow to show how much time passed! I'm sure people were happy with that!~

Hedwig: Oh sure, my only use is to change the weather. Fine, I see how it is. Fuck this shit, I'm outta here.

Harry: So did Ron and Hermione just flat-out ditch me this time? What assholes, they could've at least said good-bye again! Also, how the fuck did I get in the face of the clock, Siriusly?

Students: Wheeeeee, we're on our way to the wonderful land of Hogsmeade! What a joy it is to have parents or guardians who actually invest in our happiness!

Gred and Forge: *are clearly throwing snowballs at people, most likely Ron and/or Percy*

Harry: The way I fade into the darkness, were I a villain, would suggest that I'm about to go on a violent killing spree on the lot of them. Of course, it actually just magically transports me down to the courtyard so we don't have to waste any more time than we already have. Also I am currently invisible, but the camera can still follow my path through the clever use of INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS FOOTPRINTS THAT ANYONE WITH DECENT VISION WOULD NOTICE IMMEDIATELY AND THINK SOMETHING WAS FUCKED UP.

iheartmwpp: …Yeah, I get what they're trying to do, but those footprints are far deeper than anyone else's, and Harry's not exactly that heavy, so this is just plain stupid.

Fred: I didn't know wizards knew how to build snowmen.

George: The Muggle legend of Frosty the Snowman had to come from somewhere.

Fred: Neat basis for a fanfic, that. Huh, look at those completely obvious footprints.

George: No kidding, I wonder who could possibly try to sneak out to Hogsmeade—

Fred: —and who would probably have the means to do so—

George: —since we suddenly psychically know all about the Invisibility Cloak—

Fred: —and are being rather nice since we're not demanding that he share it with us—

George: —which is a bit odd when you think about it—

Fred: —since we could totally use it for pranking people—

George: —but I guess the Map was good enough for us.

Fred: Indeed it is. Let's get him.

Harry: How do I not notice these two standing directly in front of me and why do I walk right into their arms.

Fred: Nice try, Harry—

George: —but you were more than a little noticeable like that.

Fred: 'Sides, we got something for you.

Harry: Guys, come on, you shouldn't just grab someone like that, invisible or not! What if I was Sirius Black, what would you have done then?

George: Ah, but you're not Black, now are you?

Harry: No, but—

Fred: Then shut up.

Harry: Would you two just let me go to Hogsmeade?

Fred and George: Nope!

George: Did Dumbledore not mention—

Fred: —that the dementors are also blocking the way to Hogsmeade—

George: —and that Invisibility Cloaks can't hide you from them?

Harry: You're joking! He failed to mention that in this version!

Fred: Yep! We just saved your soul. Now we're trying to tell you about a different way in to Hogsmeade—

George: —but we'll only do it if you shut the fuck up.

Harry: Fine then.

Fred: Now, Harry—

Gred and Forge: —come and join the big boys.

Harry: …That sounds rather disturbing and I am once again afraid for my virginity, but I'll take the Cloak off anyway. So what the fuck are you doing?

George: Shh!

Fred: *hands him the Map*

Harry: What's this rubbish?

Prongs: I'd like you to know that I'm currently spinning in my grave.

Harry: Look, Dad, I'm sorry, but it's not like I knew what this was at this point!

Prongs: That is just so wrong, you should've known about it from birth!

Fred: Indeed, how could you insult this sacred piece of Hogwarts history like that? It's taught us everything we know! It's why we're so brilliant at everything we do!

George: You wouldn't believe how hard it is for us to give this up!

Fred: And it's just sheer luck that we've managed to pass it down to a freaking descendant of the legendary Marauders. Honestly, the odds against that are astronomical, and yet we did it. Weird. Anyway, George, do it up.

George (and every Marauder fan on the planet): I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

iheartmwpp: Nope, no, no, no, this isn't happening, I refuse to believe this. I was okay with Daniel Radcliffe's eyes being blue instead of green and didn't care they decided to not use contacts or anything, and I didn't care at all that Hermione's dress in Film Four was pink instead of blue or whatever, but this just isn't gonna fly. This is supposedly a professional piece of filming, not some crappy fanfiction. JKR supposedly said this film was great even if they cut out what basically amounts to the plot. I just can't believe no one, not even her, would look to the book to fix something so small as a spelling error. Everyone, say it with me: M-O-O-N-Y. Moony, not Mooney. There is no E, the E does not exist. Is it really that difficult to open the third book and fix this? I don't care that they fixed it for the Special Features disk on the DVD, this should have never happened in the first place! GAAAAH I HATE THIS MOVIE!

Harry: Messrs. Mooney—

iheartmwpp: IT'S NOT MOONEY IT'S MOONY!

Harry: Whatever, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map? Shouldn't the possessive be plural, though? Shouldn't it be the Marauders' Map, I mean, it's theirs, they're the ones who made it.

George: Well it's ours now, and those four are our freaking idols.

Fred: Hero-worship them, we do.

George: If only we knew that we were being taught by one this very moment—

Fred: —or that two of our brothers have been carrying another in their pocket for over a decade—

George: —or that another has just escaped Azkaban to supposedly finish off the spawn of the last one.

Fred: Yep, definitely would've been cool to know.

Harry: You guys think you should've known? Anyway, I seem to have missed the little sign on the side that clearly said that this was Hogwarts. Therefore, I am in complete shock that this would be a map of Hogwarts. Huh, that's an interesting take on it, moving footprints instead of little ink dots…Is that really—

Fred: Dumbledore.

George: In—

Fred: —his—

George: —study.

Fred: Pacing.

George: Does—

Fred: —that—

George: —a—

Fred: —lot.

Harry: So this map shows—

Fred: Everyone.

Harry: Everyone?

George: Everyone.

Fred: Where—

George: —they—

Fred: —are—

George: —what—

Fred: —they're—

George: —doing—

Fred: —every—

George: —minute—

Fred: —of—

George: —every—

Fred: —day.

Harry: Okay, would you just stop that already, it's obscenely irritating. Where did you get this thing, anyway?

Fred: Nicked it from Filch's office, of course! Even in first year we were committing petty crimes!

Harry: Truly you are role models for children everywhere!

Fred: I know, right?

George: Now listen. There are seven secret passageways out of the castle, but we're only going to talk about—

Fred and George: This one.

Fred: The entrance is the one-eyed witch statue we might've seen in the first movie. We won't bother mentioning any of the others, even though this would be a perfect time to foreshadow the tunnel under the Whomping Willow.

George: The one we did tell you about will lead you straight to Honeydukes's cellar.

Fred: But hurry up about it, since it looks like Filch is heading this way and it's not like you brought your Cloak with you or anything.

George: And apparently me telling you how to make it blank again was practically an afterthought, which would not have been a good thing. So when you're done with it for the day, just give it a tap with your wand and say—

Every single Marauder fan on the planet including the twins: Mischief Managed.

Just the twins: Otherwise anyone can read it.

Fred: Including Snape.

George: Which would suck—

Fred: —ever so much—

George: —for everyone involved.

Harry: You'd think one of the guys who helped create the damn thing would've realized that, but you'd be wrong.

~Though Moony did kind of have a lot on his mind that night…such as why Wormtail was still alive and why he hadn't thought to contact Moony for the past decade.~

Harry: Tee hee, I'm sneaky, like a ninja HOLY CRAP. Why would anyone put a glass bottle thing right on top of an entrance to a secret tunnel hardly anyone knows about, honestly?

Hippie from Avatar: The Last Airbender: SECRET TUNNEL! SECRET TUNN—

Harry: Okay, yes, we get it, would you stop following me?

Guy carrying boxes of crap: Isn't it great that I don't look down and see that one of the tiles hasn't been suspiciously raised slightly?

Harry: Hup! Okay, there we go, and I think I'll leave the tunnel entrance wide open so that anyone can find out about it!

Prongs: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU LOT BEEN DOING?! You should've been teaching him to not fuck shit up like this!

Padfoot: Hey, don't look at me, I was in prison this entire time!

Moony: And I…have no idea why I stayed away, sorry.

Wormtail: Why are you even asking me?

Prongs: Oh, your afterlives will be a living hell, mark my words.

Padfoot: …

Wormtail: …

Moony: …Living?

Prongs: Shaddup!

Harry: Um, guys? Trying to invisibly sneak upstairs here!

Prongs: Well then don't knock shit over that will instantly give away your location!

Harry: It's so the audience knows where I am, though!

Prongs: What happened to the camera vision from the first two films?

Harry: It'll be showing up in a way that makes no sense in a little bit, don't worry.

Prongs: Kayz.

Harry, and probably every single person on the planet who isn't a dentist: Holy. Fucking. Shit. WANT.

Honeydukes: *is everything you've ever wanted as a child and more*

Parvati (I think; it's either her or some random extra): What the hell is this weird statue of a fat guy with long hair and why the hell do I think it moving its head slightly is funny?

Some random black kid we've never seen before and who we'll never see again after this movie: See? Told you I'd be back! Also I really like cotton candy and seem oddly interested in this stupid skeleton animatronic thing. Why do wizards even have clearly animatronic things, I thought they barely knew how electricity works!

AnnieIWillKnow: Oh good, I'm overjoyed to see another appearance of the RBK. He is fast becoming my favourite movie character. Where would we be without his words of wisdom? He just moves the plot along so much, and I genuinely believe non-book readers would be lost without the subtle guidance he offers. I mean, it's not as if we actually need any of that Marauders backstory, which is interesting and crucial to both character development and plot throughout the septology, why would they want to include that? In fact, I propose that instead of the Prince's Tale in DH Part 2, they instead include a series of flashbacks that detail RBK's life. The fandom would appreciate that much more.

cutietrp: *throws her shoe at the TV screen*

Dean: I found the massive vat of chocolate!

Seamus: Sweet, this really is every child's fantasy ever!

Neville: Why am I not questioning my lollipop floating away?

Harry: I routinely steal candy from my friends! I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER!

Random witches and wizards walking through Hogsmeade: Do we really not notice the bright red lollipop floating down the street? Siriusly?

Book readers: OMFG SHRIEKING SH…Okay, taller than we would've expected…and narrower…and far less decrepit-looking…

Hermione: It's supposedly the most haunted building in Britain. Did I mention that?

Ron: Oh, only about 8,976 times.

Hermione: Oh. Sorry.

Ron: It's cool. I heard Oliver Wood lost a Quaffle in there, once. He went in to get it…AND HE NEVER CAME OUT!

Hermione: So that's why he's not in this movie!

Ron: Most likely.

Hermione: Do you want to move a bit closer?

Ron: You bet your sexy ass I do!

Hermione: I meant toward the Shack, you daft dimbo!

Ron: Oh…Nah, I'm good…

Hermione: Okay…right then…

Ron: *muttering* Curses, foiled again—

Hermione: What was that?

Ron: Huh? Oh, nothing, nothing…

Malfoy: Well, well, look who's here.

Ron and Hermione: Oh joy. We are ever so glad to see you. Look at us. We are clearly overjoyed.

Malfoy: Yes, I am that awesome, aren't I?

Ron and Hermione: …

Nott: Why the hell am I here and what happened to Goyle?

Crabbe: Iunno.

Malfoy: You two shopping for your new dream home?

Ron: Dude, we're not even admitting to ourselves that we like each other yet! These types of relationships take time, not everything's love at first sight!

Malfoy: Whatever. Still, bit grand for you, isn't it, Weasleby?

Ron: Well not to me, really, but Fred and George would be thrilled to know what it's true purpose was…wait, Weasleby? Really? This is just getting pathetic.

Malfoy: Don't your family sleep in, uh, one room?

Ron: Okay, next time, have your insult fully prepared so you don't sound quite so stupid. Also, no, actually, some of us do have to double up, especially when other people sleep over, but for the most part we all have separate rooms. I think it'd be pretty traumatizing otherwise.

Malfoy: Oooh, someone spoke back to me after I just insulted them and their family! This won't do, this won't do at all. Crabbe, Goy—I mean, Nott, let's teach this little insignificant piece of slime how to respect his superiors, meaning us, with the use of physical force since we don't appear to have our wands on us.

Hermione: You know, I just don't understand you. I mean, you're supposed to be this well-bred aristocrat, and I get that you think you're better than everyone else, but running around and making fun of us, doing those dementor and werewolf impressions? Wouldn't such things be "beneath" you or whatever? I expected you to just ignore our existences or turn up your nose at us, not act like your average stereotypical school bully.

Malfoy: How dare you talk to me, you filthy little Mudblood!

Hermione: And another thing. Get some new material, you came up with that last year, and it's all you're going to use on me for the rest of the series! Do you have any idea how lame that is?

Harry: And yet I'm still offended enough on your behalf to chuck a snowball at his face.

Ron: Wow, that was a riddikulusly small amount of time for you to make and throw a snowball.

Harry: Not really, I was probably here for a while and already made it. I was just waiting for Malfoy to inevitably insult one of you so I could throw it at him.

Ron: …But he already insulted me and you did nothing.

Harry: …Let's just go with that being when I started making it.

Ron: Right, sure, whatever.

Malfoy: AH! I GOT SNOW IN MY EYE! Imma kill whoever did that, even though I looked like I was totally expecting it…and there's no one there, even though there are some massive trees and the top of a hill that a visible person could totally hide behind. Still, who the hell threw that?

Rifftrax: I literally have no guesses as to who it could be!

Snowball: I AM APPEARING OUT OF NOWHERE!

Malfoy: Oh Merlin, not another one—OW! And another right after it, huh—OW!

Ron and Hermione: We are confused as to what could be occurring at this point in time.

Malfoy: Enough with the damn snowballs! You two, do something!

Harry: How exactly did I manage to run over here so quickly and pull Nott's hat down over his eyes, much less pull Crabbe's trousers down?

Nott: I was blind, and now I can see!

Crabbe: I'm not really trying to pull my trousers back up so much as fiddle with them to look like I'm doing something while I'm waiting for my ass to literally be kicked—OW MY ASS!

Hermione: I think it'd be more in my character to protest this kind of behavior rather than enjoy it maliciously.

Nott: Ow, my scarf! Wheeeee, how the hell am I moving this faaaast?

Filmmakers: You'd think that having the Cloak draped over him would actually slow him down, but you'd be wrong.

Malfoy: I'll just trip over Crabbe now, don't mind me.

Crabbe: I can't feel my legs.

Harry: And immediately after Nott falls down, I'm dragging Malfoy by the legs toward the Shack. Okay, even if I wasn't wearing the Cloak, I wouldn't be able to move this fast! What the fuck?

Malfoy: NO I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE SHRIEKING SHACK, I HEAR THERE ARE GHOSTS AND STUFF THERE!

Harry: Dude, there are ghosts and stuff all over Hogwarts, get a grip. Also, how the fuck is my Cloak not falling off even a little bit throughout all of this?

Malfoy: FREEDOM! Let us GTFO.

Crabbe and Nott: Kayz.

Crabbe: Just let me pull my damn trousers up already—

Malfoy: THERE IS NO TIME! WE MUST FLEE! WE MUST find out where Goyle wandered off to, Siriusly.

Crabbe: Good point.

Ron: I only seem vaguely amused, what the hell?

Hermione: Again, my character would only reluctantly approve of this, what the hell's going on with me? And my laugh sounds really forced and pathetic in any case. As per usual.

Ron's hat: I WILL EAT UR FACE OFF!

Ron: OH DEAR GOD WHY?

Hermione's hair: WHY AM I NO LONGER BUSHY? THIS IS SO NOT CANON!

Hermione: Harry, cut it out.

Harry: LOL.

Ron: I wet myself just now, I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Harry: Oh come on, you know you enjoyed watching that.

Ron: …Yes. Yes I did.

~So in the Lego game, instead of having the actual music from the snowball fight in the film, they instead have Dobby's Theme from the second film in the background. Um…confusion?~

Review or you’ll be hit with snowballs. I AM SO FRIGGIN’ EVIL YOU GUYS.


	12. Teh NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Carol of the Bells, The Room, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, "Hey Remus!" by the Whomping Willows, or Rifftrax.

~And Harry proceeds to wander around with Ron and Hermione with the Cloak held uselessly at his side, in broad daylight, where anyone can see him and report him to the professors.~

Sirius's wanted poster: *bursts into song* ONE SEEMS TO HEAR/WORDS OF GOOD CHEER/FROM EV'RYWHERE/FILLING THE AIR/OH HOW THEY POUND/RAISING THEIR SOUND/O'ER HILL AND DALE/TELLING THEIR TALE—

Ron: Just because I'm not actually descended from a Marauder doesn't mean Fred and George had to hide the Map from me! I've been carrying Wormtail around in my pocket for nearly three years now, what gives?

Hermione: But Harry isn't going to keep it, I say while not sounding especially worried. He's going to turn into Professor McGonagall. Aren't you.

Harry: I'll do what I like, you're not my mother! And stop saying things as if you're me, you're not, I'm my own bloody person and you'll just have to deal with that! Plus, it's kinda sorta a family heirloom, so no.

Ron: You gonna pass it down to Moony's kid, then?

Harry: Canonically? Nope, it sits in my desk until James steals it.

Ron: Huh. Guess you’re a dick, then.

Harry: Oh come off it, it’s massively outdated by then anyway.

Ron: Point, I s’pose. And Siriusly, Hermione, next you'll be saying that you want him to turn in his Invisibility Cloak.

Harry: And that's definitely a family heirloom, so hell no.

Hermione: Okay, evidently I'm accepting of that now. Oooooh, look who it is! Madam Rosmerta! Ron fancies her, I say while shockingly not sounding all that jealous.

Ron: Probably 'cause you know I don't have a chance — I-I mean, that's not true, of course not, why would it be? Heh…

iheartmwpp: So Madam Rosmerta's supposed to be this really sexy woman, if the description in the books is anything to go by. I'm watching the movie with my dad a while back and he immediately starts gushing about how amazingly beautiful the actress is. Er…is it because I'm straight? Because I really don't see the appeal at all. I mean, she's all right, but she's not drop-dead gorgeous or anything. Maybe it's just a poor costume design.

Fudge: …We really use horse-drawn carriages? Really? Oh hai Professor McGonagall.

McGonagall: I actually seem pleased to see you! What a delightful time it was when you weren't a complete douchebag!

Hagrid: I'll get this fer yeh— *breaks off carriage door thing* Whoops!

Fudge: Damn it, Hagrid!

Hagrid: Well maybe yeh should check ter see if people're innocent before chuckin' 'em in Azkaban, yeh ass-wipe.

Fudge: Yes, yes, but that couldn't possibly happen again and has never happened before; it's certainly not part of the reason Black escaped or anything. Oh hai Madam Rosmerta! I hope business is good! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to step over some horse shit really quickly.

Rosmerta: Hey, guess what? I don't care about your damn boots, I want people to actually be able to come into my pub and enjoy themselves, not get their souls sucked out!

Fudge: …The way you're shaking that hammer at me is quite crap, just so you know. And come on, we have a killer on the loose! I say with poo on mah feet!

Rosmerta: Why am I nailing a dartboard to the wall? Hell, why would wizards even need hammers and mails, wouldn't they just use Permanent Sticking Charms or something, this makes no sense! Besides, why the fuck would Sirius Black want to go to Hogsmede? Well, besides all the happy memories…

Sneaky Trio of Ninjas: I sense the plot!

Fudge: *whispers* Harry Potter.

Rosmerta: *bellows* HARRY POTTER?

McGonagall: Shut up, you crazy bitch, and get inside!

Fudge: What she said!

Rosmerta: Okay, okay, sheesh…

Ron: Huh, hey Harry, want to check it out—Oh, you're already invisible. Awesome.

Hermione: I must protest! I'm getting kind of bored with us always finding crap out through eavesdropping!

Ron: Hermione, we're kids, everyone thinks we're too young to handle anything.

Random wizard: I just got hit by something I cannot see! I will never question this!

Hermione: I really shouldn't yell out Harry's name in the middle of a crowded street when everyone knows he's not allowed to go to Hogsmede.

Harry: As soon as my footprints disappear, the door opens, despite there being quite a gap between the snow and the door. I must be really fast or something, and yet my footprints are rather slow for someone who's desperate to find out stuff.

Book readers: WHY ARE THERE MORE HEADS?! Also, the Three Broomsticks is supposed to be open to the students that day, that's practically the point of letting the kids go down there in the first place!

iheartmwpp: Ten seconds!

Marauders: Give it up and accept that we're not allowed to be awesome.

iheartmwpp: NEVER!

Harry: Wow, no one's noticing the random chair moving! Weird…Oh yes, sneaking and stuff.

Rosmerta: No one wants to have their soul sucked out, so of course they're not gonna bother coming out for a drink!

Harry: Apparently I learned wandless magic and can just open the door with my mind. Who knew?

McGonagall: Professor Dumbledore thought it was an immensely stupid idea in the first place as well, trust me.

Rosmerta: I can tell that this is going to be an incredibly private conversation, so let's not bother to lock the door or question what's going on when it spontaneously opens. So tell me everything you know.

McGonagall: You'd think I'd be smart enough to check for anyone who might be listening in, but that'd be logical. So, years ago, when Harry Potter's parents realized they were marked for death, do you remember that INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT WE'RE JUST CASUALLY PASSING OVER, and they went into hiding…

Rosmerta: Apparently, yeah. Was I part of the Order back then or what?

Fudge: My hands are cold.

McGonagall: Iunno, but few knew where the Potters were. One who did was Sirius Black. And he told You-Know-Who!

Rosmerta: Lyke no wai.

Audience: You know, using that logic, how exactly are you sure it was Sirius who told? Dumbledore could have told Voldemort where the Potters were for all you know!

Fudge: Not only that, but he also did something else that should be completely common knowledge, I really don't know why you act so surprised when I tell you that Black killed one of his and James's old school friends, Peter Pettigrew. And, like, twelve other Muggles but they're insignificant so we don't care.

McGonagall: Yeppers!

Rosmerta: Somehow I forget him entirely despite remembering exactly who he is like two seconds later.

McGonagall: Yes, little lump of a boy who everyone always talked down to and insulted his intelligence, including myself, and my experiences with Neville Longbottom show that I clearly don't learn from my mistakes. He was always trailing after Sirius Black?

Rosmerta: Like I said, instant memory. Never let James and Sirius out of his sight, and no one ever mentions Remus. Ever.

Harry: …Are my eyes actually green in this scene? This is fantastic! However, learning that the guy who is supposed to be out to murder me used to be friendly-friends with my daddy-poo is not so fantastic.

Rosmerta: So what happened after that, as we continue to forget that the Fidelius Charm ever existed?

Alfonso Cuarón: In this film…we found the theme, and then whatever stuck there, we kept, and whatever didn't… *shrugs* Sorry. As long as it didn't affect or contradict either the universe or what is to come.

iheartmwpp: Unlike my earlier crap, that was an actual quote from Cuarón. Um, funny story…the Fidelius Charm kind of comes up later, in a few rather significant ways. Idiot. And not only that, but the way these characters are describing everything is rather confusing to those who haven't read the book. My mom's only read the last two, and the last time she saw Film Three when it appeared on TV, she didn't understand why Arthur or anyone else would've thought that Sirius had been evil in the first place. Referring to a street full of witnesses seeing Peter supposedly get blown up along with twelve others would've aided greatly in understanding that. Not to mention that while I was explaining this to her I also had to remind her of a little thing called the MARAUDER BACKSTORY to explain how Peter escaped unnoticed by all but Sirius. The entire conversation couldn't have taken more than a few minutes, since she was able to go back to the film right after the commercial break without missing too much. Though admittedly that last part wasn't needed, since I bitch about it being left out so often she probably knows the summary better than I do by now. My point is…Why is nothing explained in any sort of coherent fashion that movie watchers will understand and book readers won't get overly pissed at?

Fudge: I need a drink.

Harry: I am backing up so he won't bump into me, but I shall continue to breathe quite loudly.

Fudge: *looks up* What was that rather loud and suspicious sounding breathing noise just now?

Harry: Shit! Better shut up.

Fudge: Hmm…it stopped as soon as I looked up…Eh, probably nothing.

Harry: Oh, right, he's an idiot. Cool.

McGonagall: …Why do I insist on calling everyone by their first and last names repeatedly? I think the audience gets who they are now. Ah well, back to it. Peter Pettigrew tried to warn the Potters what was happening, and what evidence we have of this I have absolutely no idea, but then he ran into Sirius Black.

Fudge: Black was vicious. He didn't kill Pettigrew.

Rosmerta: Well then what's all the fuss about?

Fudge: Let me finish, bitch. He destroyed him and stuff.

McGonagall: You got it!

Fudge: A finger. That's all that was left, a finger. Nothing else.

Rifftrax: …That wasn't his finger.

Book readers: And this is why you should always look for the rest of the body. After all, if he exploded, you'd think there'd have been more bits of him lying around.

iheartmwpp: I just noticed there was a random dog in this scene for no reason whatsoever.

McGonagall: And now we're shifting the conversation back to the Potters with absolutely no transition! Nor will we ever mention the twelve Muggles Black was assumed to have slaughtered and the reason everyone thinks he's a mad mass murderer! Anyway, Sirius Black never actually killed the Potters himself, but he's the reason they're dead!

Sirius: Okay, that part's true…

Harry and Remus: Oh would you stop that?!

Fudge: And we all assume that Black wants to finish what he started, since we need for him to have a target so I actually have a decent reason to scatter dementors all over the country.

McGonagall: Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Rosmerta: That sounds kind of dumb.

Fudge: Shut up, it's all we've got! And that's not even the worst thing!

Rosmerta: Oh, what could possibly be worse?

McGonagall: This. Sirius Black was, and remains to this day…Harry Potter's godfather!

Rosmerta: …How the hell is that worse than betraying and killing a crapload of people.

Harry: I am in shock. Look at my expression. It clearly indicates surprise and horror. I should run out now. Wheeee.

Rosmerta, Fudge, and McGonagall: Do we not even notice the door mysteriously opening again?

Harry: Strange, I'm running out of the place in a rage, and yet my footprints are the same speed as ever. Odd, that.

Ron: We seem to have been sitting rather closely together.

Hermione: Indeed. Also, check out the blatantly obvious footprints. I mean, I know we were looking for some sign for Harry to get out of there, but it's really rather convenient how we're the only ones who notice.

Harry: I apparently have an immense dislike for little people that never manifested itself before now. I mean, even when I'm upset in canon, I may bump into people but I never knock them over completely, what gives?

Ron: …Okay, that was rather OOC. Let's walk around these guys and follow Harry, won't take that long.

Hermione: Nah, let's cut right through them as well!

Ron: You really think they won't retaliate? It is rather rude to just push people over like that, you know.

Hermione: If we just apologize and offer a "Merry Christmas," I'm sure there'll be no hard feelings.

Mini Chorus: We will eat your children.

Hermione: That's nice. Excuse me.

Ron: Oy vey.

~…What was that one wizard doing with a cow…?~

Hermione: Come on, keep following the footprints…Are those really fake sobs I hear?

Ron: Sounds like.

Hermione: Let's go find out what's wrong, then.

Ron: Hermione, we can hear him sobbing from here, give the guy some privacy!

Hermione: But clearly he needs our help, and I have to know everything that goes on in his life because I'm really annoying and obsessive like that!

Ron: I should really try harder to stop you and help my best friend maintain some dignity, but that would actually mean I'd serve a greater purpose besides comic relief.

Hermione: I seem to be taking my sweet time getting over to Harry.

Ron: And I appear to be inching closer as well, since I am wondering what's got my best mate so upset, I'm not completely insensitive.

Hermione: Keep telling yourself that. And it's really lucky I don't poke Harry in the eye or something. *takes the Cloak off Harry*

Daniel Radcliffe: *doing his worst impression of a crying person*

Vast majority of audience: FAIL.

People who actually worked on the films: *sniff* He just keeps improving every year!

Vast majority of audience: …Whatever rationalization makes you more comfortable.

Hermione: Harry, what happened?

Harry: I AM IN DESPAIR! THE FACT THAT HE WAS THEIR FRIEND HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR! Also I feel justifiably betrayed myself since no one ever told me any of this. When will these people learn that it's actually better to tell me about this stuff?

Order of the Phoenix: …Eh heh…

Dumbledore: Funny story about that…

Harry: VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!

Ron: Um, Harry? He's supposed to be a mad mass murderer…and you're thirteen.

Harry: Bitch please, I kicked Voldemort's ass when I was an infant, Black should be nothing.

Ron: That was mainly your mum's doing and you know it.

Harry: I'M IN A RAGE! THIS IS THE MADDEST I'VE EVER BEEN!

Ron: Right, just because you want to see justice done doesn't mean you'll miraculously gain the power to beat everyone ever.

Harry: Yes it will, of course it will, why wouldn't it?

Ron: …You've been watching too much shounen anime, mate.

~I read somewhere that the butterflies they used in this scene weren't even native to Scotland or else would never show up in that season, forget which one.~

Snow: *is dripping. This is important. Pay attention to the melting snow of happiness*

Whomping Willow: Oh come on, it's the second day of spring, why is there still snow everywhere? *shakes snow off branches*

Camera guys: NO, YOU GOT THE EQUIPMENT WET! Damn it, now everything's ruined, nice job, Whompy. *leaves*

Whomping Willow: Wait, don't go! Don't leave me here all alone! *sniff* Why won't anyone love me anymore? I miss those four so much…

~Last time you were here you said you were just passing through/So what's the point of living if I do it without you/Got this void up in my tree hole and I don't know what to do, Remus~

Review or Peter will blow you up. Yeah, think about THAT!


	13. Teh ATTACK OF THE LUNATIC PEDOSLASHERS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Peter Pan, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, or Rifftrax.

~And again with the creepy voiceovers, courtesy of Remus John Lupin.~

Lupin: Harry! You actually came! I seem semi-surprised for some bizarre reason. And as we finally cut to the scene and the audience can now actually see us, I shall make you second-guess yourself once more. Are you really sure you want to do this?

Fanfiction writers: *are furiously taking notes*

Fans who aren't completely and utterly insane: *are wondering what the fuck is wrong with these freaks*

iheartmwpp: It takes one to know one! XP

Lupin: Oh would you lot shut it, I'm trying to teach him how to fight off dementors here, I'm not about to do anything you're thinking about!

Fanfiction writers: Suuuure you're not. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, grin, grin, say no more!

Harry: Do I need an adult?

Lupin: Just ignore them.

Book readers: I thought they were supposed to be learning this in the History of Magic classroom, why are they suddenly in what looks like an empty Dumbledore's office?

Harry: Wait, we have History of Magic?

Lupin: Harry, I'm warning you one last time, this is very, very advanced magic, far beyond the Ordinary Wizarding Level, which is why a bunch of teenagers will be able to use it with relative ease in the final installment.

Harry: Well they won't be able to use it if I don't teach them, and I won't be able to teach them if you don't teach me.

Lupin: Fair enough. Everything's been prepared in any case.

Fanfiction writers: Ooooh, kinky!

Lupin: Would you get out of it?

Audience: …Spinal cord candles? Creepy…

Book readers: Wait, this isn't actually Moony's office, is it? 'Cause the spinal cord candles would sort of not really at all tie in with all the creepy shit in his classroom, and there seem to be a bunch of weird balls floating around and orbiting each other. We didn't really know he was such an astronomy fan, but I guess it would make sense. Or it could still be Dumbledore's office and he redecorated it to go along with the rest of the bizzaro changes to his character, and he's just not there that night 'cause he gave Remus permission to teach Harry there while he joins the search for Sirius. Or something.

Movie watchers: Did you guys really have to rationalize it that far? So it's a random room that happens to look like Dumbledore's office, so what? Can we watch David Thewlis being awesome now?

Book readers: Huh? Oh, right, sorry.

Lupin: Now, the spell I'm going to try and teach you is called the Patronus Charm. Have you ever heard of it?

Harry: Do I look like Hermione Granger to you?

Lupin: Huh, would've expected you to actually learn some things outside of class considering how much you love magic instead of using the same five spells over and over again.

Harry: It won't even be that many if we don't get on with it.

Lupin: Touché. A Patronus is a kind of positive force, and for the wizard who can conjure one, it works like a shield with the dementor feeding on it rather than him, which makes no sense because if dementors eat happy thoughts and stuff, you'd think it would just suck up the Patronus like a slurpie and go about its merry day. But I guess Patronuses symbolize hope in the face of depression, so whatever. Also, a Patronus will generally look like a spinning shield of light except for the end of the film where it will randomly take the shape of an animal for no raisin, and it will only be in later films when the filmmakers start to do it properly. No idea why, really. *sits on ominous boggart-containing chest* In order to conjure one, you need to think of a wonderful thought.

Harry: Any happy little thought?

Lupin: Well apparently it has to be a memory, but that theory's thrown out the window in Book Four when you just think about getting out of the damn maze, which hadn't happened yet. So yeah, I guess any kind of thought will do, but I'm going to stress memories for this scene. But not just any memory, a very happy memory, a very powerful memory. Can you do this?

Harry: …Think so.

Lupin: Awesome. Now then, close your eyes…

Harry: *complies*

Fanfiction writers: Oooooooooh…

Lupin: Oi, why don't you lot go stalk Dumbledore or something, since he's actually confirmed as being gay?

Fanfiction writers: But he's really old, and you're supposed to be obscenely attractive, which is why Thewlis sucks as an actor!

iheartmwpp: …Remus is always described as pale and sickly-looking with premature wrinkles and grey hairs. I'm sure he doesn't look bad, but he's probably not the god fanfiction makes him out to be.

Fanfiction writers: Well he should be! Otherwise we can't pair him up with Sirius or some Mary Sue OC who is really just an idealized version of us!

iheartmwpp: …Yes, you can. Aside from the Chapter That Shall Not Be Mentioned, we've established that he has a great personality, he doesn't need to be the best-looking man alive or even good-looking at all for people to like him.

Fanfiction writers: YOU'RE WRONG! IF HE'S NOT A SEXY MOFO THEN HE'S NOT WORTH IT AT ALL, BECAUSE LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING!

iheartmwpp: …Whatever. And David Thewlis isn't that ugly either!

Fanfiction writers: Dragonheart and Film Five.

iheartmwpp: …Shut up. At any rate, looks don't equal acting talent, and I will certainly not be contradicting myself once I get to Films Four and Five!

Harry: I still have my eyes closed, BTW.

Lupin: Oh, sorry. Now, concentrate…

Rifftrax: If you feel like your wallet is being lifted, ignore it…

Lupin: Explore your past. Do you have a memory?

Harry: I think so.

iheartmwpp: Lucky bastards, I can't remember two weeks ago.

Harry: Professor, do you think we should go over which memory I chose to make sure it's strong enough before you unleash my worst nightmare on me?

Lupin: Nah, I have complete confidence in you.

Harry: …I guess that kind of makes be feel better…

Lupin: Awesome. Now, allow the memory to fill you up…lose yourself within it…and speak the incantation, expecto patronum.

Harry: Expecto patronum.

Lupin: Very good.

Harry: …The whispering is a bit disturbing, not gonna lie.

Lupin: I'm trying not to break your concentration.

Harry: Ah.

Lupin: We should probably make sure you can at least produce a mist before you try it on what I've got in here, but instead we're just gonna dive right in.

Harry: Cool.

Lupin: Wand at the ready, as I use my hands to magically unlock the chest thing.

Harry: That shit is so awesome, when will I get to be able to do that?

Lupin: You won't, it's not canon.

Harry: Bugger.

Lupin: Y'all ready for this?

Harry: …Suddenly I'm not so sure…

Lupin: Just believe in yourself. Believe in the Harry that I have faith in.

Harry: …Okay.

Lupin: Good. Here we go… *opens chest*

Boggart: Yo!

Harry: Oh fuck. Um, expecto patronum!

Boggart: I'm just gonna hover here and not attempt to suck your face off in anyway, hope that's cool.

Harry: Uh-huh. Imma pass out anyway.

Boggart: Sweet.

Harry: One more try. Expecto…expecto…expect this to be implied as the only class Lupin'll give me for this so I better get it right sometime tonight…bleh…

Lily: I'm really getting quite annoying, aren't I?

~An unspecified time anywhere between five seconds and five hours later…~

Lupin: Morning.

Harry: Morning.

Lupin: Come on, sit up now.

Harry: Holy crap, an adult actually helping me up and showing concern? Oh my God ADOPT ME.

Lupin: I didn't expect you to do it the first time, and I'd compare you to Hermione if this wasn't the one spell she sucked at. But Siriusly, this is a riddikulusly advanced piece of magic, there is absolutely no shame in not getting right immediately.

iheartmwpp: He really does carry chocolate with him everywhere! Is it just because of the dementors hanging about that year or does he actually love it that much like every single fanfic ever states?

AllSolsDay: Don't you know that chocolate is werewolf catnip?

iheartmwpp: LOL. Though I can't really see Fenrir eating anything but raw human flesh—why he would ever have fangirls is completely beyond me, as he would literally eat your face off, how in Merlin's name is that appealing…maybe if he covered the dismembered limbs in chocolate or something, that might work…

AllSolsDay: *also deserves credit for the title of this chapter*

Lupin: Here, eat this. You'll feel better. *hands him chocolate*

iheartmwpp: *takes shot*

Harry: Oh for the love of crap, I thought we'd stopped that!

iheartmwpp: *looks down* Oh look, my knees are falling off.

Harry: …Good for you. OM NOM NOM. That's one nasty dementor, despite that it didn't really do anything to me like the other one did and I kind of just fell over from the sheer presence of it…okay so maybe it is worse than usual…

Lupin: Oh, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no pancake no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

Harry: …So no?

Lupin: Yep! But that was a boggart, Harry, a boggart.

Harry: Look, just because I'm barely conscious and have to lean against the wall in order to stay standing up doesn't mean I'm suddenly deaf, there was no need to repeat yourself.

Lupin: Shut up and let me light the candles with my fingers despite having my wand in my hand. Anyway, a real dementor will be worse, much much worse.

Harry: So I'm fucked?

Lupin: Unless you can miraculously get it right on the next try, probably.

Harry: Joy.

Lupin: As a matter of interest and not regret considering we really should have gone over this before you attempted the spell, what were you thinking? Which memory did you choose?

Harry: The first time I rode a broom.

Lupin: …Exactly how fucked up was your childhood?

Harry: Well if you'd bothered to actually check up on me, you'd know, wouldn't you?

Lupin: Hey, a couple of fanfics actually do have me attempt, leave me alone. But that memory isn't good enough, Harry, not nearly good enough.

Harry: Maybe if you provided me with an example?

Lupin: Apparently not, but I am a pretty private bloke.

Harry: I guess. *goes to a candle and sets his barely nibbled-upon chocolate down instead of finishing it like any sane human who isn't allergic* There's another memory I have. It's not…happy…exactly… *sticks his finger in the candle flame*

iheartmwpp: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY ARE GRYFFINDORS ALWAYS LIKE THIS THAT'S NOT BRAVE THAT'S JUST RETARDED!

Harry: Take it up with the director.

iheartmwpp: Oh, I have many things to take up with the director, and all this wandless magic bullshit is pretty far down the list…

Harry: Right…but on the other hand, it is. It's the happiest I've ever felt. But it's complicated.

Lupin: Is it strong?

Harry: …Yeah.

Book readers: Awwww, it's the time he found out he was a wizard. He's happy because he got to leave the Durselys, but it's bittersweet because he learned the part about his parents' deaths that everyone knows about.

Movie watchers: Really? Cute.

Book readers: I know, right?

Lupin: That does sound decent enough. Let's give it a try, then. You feel ready?

Harry: Just do it.

Fanfiction writers: *gigglesnort*

Lupin: All right, that's it! *throws out the fanfiction writers with the kind of superhuman werewolf strength that is only seen in said fanfiction*

Harry: Can we hurry this up before I lose my nerve?

Lupin: Listen! Just who the hell do you think you are, Harry?

Harry: Huh?

Lupin: *poses dramatically, pointing at the ceiling* YOUR WAND IS THE WAND THAT'S GONNA BUST RIGHT THROUGH HEAVEN AND EARTH AND EVEN TOMORROW!

iheartmwpp: …Somehow it just sounds so much more badass when you say drill instead of wand…

Harry: I doubt either of us understand what you're saying, but I'm suddenly overflowing with confidence! Let's do this shit!

Lupin: You got it! *opens chest*

Boggart: Whew! The hell did you keep in there before me, dismembered corpses?

Lupin: Thought I cleaned that out better, sorry.

Boggart: Meh. Oh, you again, is it?

Harry: Expecto patronum!

Boggart: Pfft, yeah, like that'll work—

Harry: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Boggart: AAAAAAH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES!

Lupin: *sniff* I'm so proud! That's not nearly what a Patronus is canonically supposed to look like, but I don't care!

Boggart: Siriusly, can you turn that off? I'm getting a headache and I only looked at it once. I'm going back into the nice, dark, enclosed space that somehow functions as my room.

iheartmwpp: I have the same reaction to one of the lamps in my living room.

Lupin: *closes chest* Well done, Harry! Well done!

Harry: *stumbles and almost falls over again* Yeah, can we not do that anymore?

Lupin: Seeing as you've practically mastered it by the standards of this film, I don't see why not. You could probably handle one or two dementors easily now!

Harry: So as long as I don't encounter a group of a hundred or more, I won't have a problem?

Lupin: Yup! *pulls out MOAR chocolate* Eat this, it helps, it really helps.

iheartmwpp: *takes another shot* You are my love, my angle! Don't treat me like potato!

Harry: Oh for the love of Merlin's toenail clippers, I KNOW ALREADY! You've only mentioned it every single time you give me chocolate. Stop assuming Viewers Are Morons!

Lupin: Hey, you tried to light your own hand on fire earlier, what do you expect me to think? Still, that was fantastic, I doubt your father could have done better on his second try! And since he was one of the two most brilliant students in our year and he barely had to try to succeed, that is definitely saying something! *sits on step thing beside Harry*

Audience: …What's with the model train set thing? Don't those not work at Hogwarts?

Harry: I was thinking of him. And Mum.

Book readers: …Wha?

Harry: Seeing their faces.

Book readers: …Did his happy memory change to him getting the photo album from Hagrid or something?

Harry: They were talking to me. Just talking. That's the memory I chose.

Book readers: …Okay, this is so not canon it's not even funny. No, Siriusly, it isn't. Sigh, it's official. The filmmakers didn't even bother to read the book at all, they're just pulling stuff out of their asses.

Harry: I don't even know if it's real.

Book readers: THAT'S BECAUSE IT ISN'T.

Harry: But it's the best I have.

Book readers: And the actual memory used in the book wasn't? If leaving your abusive family and beginning a brand new life doesn't perfectly embody hope, I don't know what does!

Lupin: I seemed to be zoning out slightly while you were talking just now, or I could be lost in my own memories of your parents, who knows.

Harry: Yeah, considering I know you knew both my parents pretty well in this version, it's highly stupid that I'm not asking you a damn thing about them.

Lupin: It sure is, Harry. It sure is. Especially since I actually told you that I could tell you stories about your parents in the original script; if they'd kept that in you'd've looked even more moronic than you do…pretty much the rest of the series, really. Now let us sit together in companionable silence until the scene fades, shall we?

Harry: I love how you don't turn out to be evil later!

Book readers: So is this the Astronomy classroom and they just go outside to look at the stars, what the hell is this place?

iheartmwpp: Checked the script, it is indeed the Astronomy classroom.

Harry: We have Astronomy?

~Holy shit, MCGONAGALL'S GOT HER HAIR DOWN! THE WORLD IS ENDING!~

McGonagall: That is preposterous, Weasley!

Fred, George, Percy, and Ginny: Huh wha?

McGonagall: Not you, this one. Honestly, how could Sirius Black get through the portrait hole? It's not like there could possibly be any windows he could have come through or something. Not that he did, I'm just saying it's a possibility that shouldn't be entirely ruled out.

Ron: How the fuck am I supposed to know how he got in? THE BASTARD NEARLY KILLED ME WITH A KNIFE! I know he was aiming for the rat that apparently just conveniently fake-died-again now, but still!

McGonagall: Percy, make yourself useful for once and find Sir Cadogan.

Percy: U-Uh, y-yes, o-of c-course…

Fred: What's—

George: —with—

Fred: —the—

George: —sudden—

Gred and Forge: —stutter?

Percy: No idea…Oh, he's over there, Professor.

McGonagall: Sir Cadogan! Stop fondling that woman off-screen and talk to us!

Sir Cadogan: ACK! Oh, hang on. *grabs a box of chocolates from a nearby painting and gives it to the girl he was most likely touching inappropriately. Talk about Getting Crap Past the Radar, no wonder this scene was cut!* Right, now what do you want?

McGonagall: Did you let some random dude who looked like he escaped some sort of prison into Gryffindor Tower?

Sir Cadogan: Me strolling through these random portraits is rather annoying and distracting. And what was the point of me messing up this chess game, honestly? But yes, yes I did. He had the list of passwords for the entire week, after all.

Random portrait witch: You misogynistic asshole! What the fuck did you have to knock me out of the window for?

McGonagall: And now for me to insult the intelligence of a boy who really can't help that his memory's so poor!

Neville: Oh fuck.

McGonagall: Is it always going to be you, Longbottom?

Neville: Actually no, it's pretty much going to be Harry, Ron, and Hermione from now on.

McGonagall: I seem to be far more lenient on you than I am in the book. Also, this scene probably should have been kept in, since it actually illustrates how Sirius a threat Sirius Black is, since it usually takes multiple attempts on a person's life before they're deemed a massive threat by the audience. Now while the staff takes every precaution to ensure your safety—

Harry: Can we get rid of the dementors and use Aurors as guards instead, then?

McGonagall: Take it up with the Minister. In the meantime, we expect you teenagers to actually start shouldering some responsibility once in a while, if you don't mind.

Said teenagers: Bullshit—I mean, yes, yes of course.

McGonagall: Good, now at least pretend to go to sleep tonight even though I know most of you will probably stay awake in a panic. AND ACT RESPONSIBLY!

Teenagers: NO I DON'T FEEL LIKE CLEANING MY ROOM—I mean, yes, ma'am.

Ron: Oh yeah, Crookshanks ate Scabbers. I'm sure everyone is surprised.

Hermione: LIES! BLOODY LIES, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT A CAT WOULD EVER EAT A RAT IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE!

Ron: We are apparently no longer speaking after this scene, even though our fight isn't really fleshed out as much as it was in the book, but I suppose with time constraints and all that this little tidbit isn't all that important overall. Which would make you think they would flesh it out more to avoid the main plot, but whatever. *stalks off*

Hermione: *sits next to Harry by the fire* I can't believe it, I say while apparently holding back tears. Whether I'm upset that Ron was nearly killed or because I really don't want to believe he was right about Crookshanks, I'm not entirely sure.

Harry: And even though I totally wasn't awake at the time, I'm really pissed off that I wasn't able to kill Black. He was apparently close enough to touch…close enough for Ron to touch, maybe, I dunno about me…and apparently I really, really want to murder this guy now.

Hermione: I should be discouraging you from seeking out revenge on an alleged insane mass murderer who we think wants you dead, but I don't think I will.

~What a caring and responsible person Hermione is, an excellent role model for young women everywhere.~

Review or Crookshanks will attempt to eat a small pet of yours which may or may not be an evil wizard in disguise.


	14. Teh WHY ARE THE FILMMAKERS SUCH ASSHOLES

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, South Park, Fullmetal Alchemist, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, AnnieIWillKnow's research, Planet of the Apes, Dragonball Z Abridged: Bardock Special (thanks to Dracarot for reminding me that existed), Eddie Izzard, KROOOOOZE, or Rifftrax.

~AAAH! THERE'S NO CLEVER TRANSITION INVOLVING THE WILLOW OR ANYTHING ELSE! WHAT'S HAPPENING WHERE AM I WHAT COLOR IS MY PANCREAS.~

Harry: Huh. I just thought of something. All my Muggle-style clothes are hand-me-downs from my massive whale of a cousin, and they're supposed to be huge on my relatively small frame. So why do the clothes I'm currently wearing fit me quite well?

Ron: And the ones I'm wearing barely even look like hand-me-downs at all. Hell, I'm surprised I even managed to dress like a Muggle in the first place, I thought most wizards have problems with that.

Hermione: And my hair is up again for some reason. I am confuzzled. And it's sort of odd how I just shout that it's a beautiful day out of nowhere.

Ron: Apparently I agree with you, though it's a bit difficult to enjoy it if you're dead.

Harry: …Wut.

Hermione: Did you not hear us arguing last scene about Scabbers while you were off in a corner plotting physically impossible revenge scenarios?

Harry: Of course not, that scene was cut and I was too busy plotting physically impossible revenge scenarios.

Hermione: Well evidently the very few scenes where we show Ron being neglectful of Scabbers is supposed to come together and have it make sense when I say Ronald has lost his rat.

Ron: I'm going with how I actually take care of him in the books and insist that your cat killed him instead! 'Course, it'd be a lot more plausible if there was blood on the sheets again, but that's not worth mentioning since it involves being logical.

Hermione: Rubbish!

Audience: What's with the random recorder player? Is he supposed to replace random guitar players on college campuses or something?

Ron: Harry, you know as well as anyone else on the planet that cats chase and eat rats. Crookshanks is still around, and Scabbers isn't. What do you think that implies?

Harry: I gotta admit, that does make sense.

Hermione: NO IT DOESN'T! This is a rather large character flaw where whenever I'm emotional about something I'm usually wrong. Actually, it's two character flaws combined together, since I hate admitting I'm wrong about anything ever. Instead, I'll insist that Scabbers is "lost."

Ron: Right, and Scrimgeour "retires" in Book Seven, along with Ollivander going on "vacation."

Hermione: Shut up!

Ron: Why won't you just admit your cat ate him? I'd be less pissed at you then. Of course, I'm not as pissed as I was in the book anyway, since there it looked like the end of our friendship and here I just seem mildly annoyed.

Hermione: Cats don't chase or eat rats, I don't know what you're talking about.

Ron: They do too!

Hermione: Do not.

Ron: Do too!

Hermione: Do not!

Ron: Do too!

Hermione: Do not!

Ron: Do too!

Hermione: Do not!

Ron: Do too!

Harry: And here I thought their arguments were actually semi-enjoyable to listen to.

~Should Hermione really be letting Crookshanks wander Hogwarts like that? I mean, I know he's part Kneazle, but Hogwarts is fucking huge, how does a cat not get lost?~

Rock: WHEEEEEEEEEEE HOW AM I CUT FROM FILM SEVEN THAT WAS SUCH AN ADORABLE SCENE WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hermione: How'd the apparent hearing that we've never heard of or worried about till now go, Hagrid?

Audience: HOLY SHIT. What happened?

Hagrid: Shut up, this tie's awesome.

Audience: It's not that, it's your hair! Either you're turning blond or you're suddenly going grey. Which would kind of make sense, actually, you're what, sixty-four if iheart is doing the math right which she probably isn't?

Hagrid: It's the light, shut up. So firs', what happened was the shitheads runnin' the court obeyed proper procedure an' talked abou' why we had ter take time outta our busy schedules ter go through with this crap.

iheartmwpp: So it looks like he's just holding one stone at a time from the front, but then you see him from the back and it's as if he's cradling several of them. HOORAY FOR SHITTY EDITING!

Hagrid: An' then I got up an' did my piece, and all I had ter say was that Buckbeak was a good hippogriff, always cleanin' his feathers.

Hermione: Pfft. That was your defense?

Hagrid: Well if someone had thought ter help me out in this version, maybe I would've had a better chance!

Ron: Don't mind Hermione, Hagrid, she doesn't think other people's pets matter very much.

Hermione: *glares daggers at him, which impale his liver*

Audience: Your hair doesn't look nearly as light from the front. Siriusly, what happened?

Hagrid: An' then Lucius Malfoy stood up, well you can imagine, an' he said, "Buckbeak is a danger ter expensive robes everywhere." An' then he asked for the worst, did old Lucius.

Harry: Old? He's way younger than you!

Hagrid: Yeah, but I'm a big kid at heart.

Harry: That you are, which is why people love you.

Ron: Speaking of, by asking for the worst, you don't mean you're sacked, right?

Hagrid: No, I'm not sacked, thanks fer carin'.

Ron: Any time, mate.

Hagrid: *sniff* Buckbeak's been sentenced ter death!

Ron: Oh…I'm sorry.

Harry: Apparently I've been sitting away from you two this whole time, but I am standing up at this news. Maybe we should have done something…

~Nah, that would imply that they actually care about their friends, and only Hermione's allowed to do that with respect to Harry. Also ten seconds of unnecessary shots of the Great Hall and stuff.~

Harry: How is no one woken up by my really bright light? Siriusly, some people have problems sleeping with any kind of light on.

Ron: *wakes up for THE most hilarious line in the movie*

Harry: *is severely disappointed that video cameras don't work at Hogwarts, since this would be epic blackmail material*

Ron: *instantly goes back to having traumatic nightmares based on his experiences with Aragog*

Harry: OM NOM NOM. This is such an epic Map of epicness…I could sneak around Filch and he wouldn't even know…

iheartmwpp: Why doesn't my Map have all the folds and stuff, I wanna see all of Hogwarts!

Peter Pettigrew: Holy crap I'm alive.

Harry: Bwah-bwah-BWAH?

~Why are we having flashbacks to shit that happened literally ten minutes ago?~

Rosmerta: Somehow I forget him entirely despite remembering exactly who he is like two seconds later.

McGonagall: Yes, little lump of a boy who everyone always talked down to and insulted his intelligence, including myself, and my experiences with Neville Longbottom show that I clearly don't learn from my mistakes. He was always trailing after Sirius Black?

Rosmerta: Like I said, instant memory. Never let James and Sirius out of his sight, and no one ever mentions Remus. Ever.

~Siriusly, do they really think the audience is that stupid?~

Fudge: Black was vicious. He didn't kill Pettigrew.

Rosmerta: Well then what's all the fuss about?

Fudge: Let me finish, bitch. He destroyed him and stuff.

~They're convinced Viewers are Morons, and yet they don't even explain everything fully in the first place. These guys really just don't give a shit at all.~

Painting: Put that light out! And…WTF, why don't you have your Cloak with you?

Harry: Apparently there's only a certain number of times I can use it per film.

Painting: Well that's dumb.

Harry: It is you who is dumb! Just for that, I won't put my light out! Ha HA!

Painting: What an asshole.

Harry: So Peter's supposedly directly in front of me…but I don't actually see anything. Weird.

Peter: What the hell am I even doing, anyway?

Harry: No matter how much I look, I can't see anything. Then again, my wandlight only has a limited range. Maybe if I were to use that non-canon upgrade I learned illegally at Privet Drive, I could see the guy…Naaaah, why use spells I actually learned ever?

Peter: …Oh shit, he's got the Map and thus knows I'm alive. RUN AWAY!

Harry: The footprints are coming closer now…Oh God they're going around me, why can't I see anyone—GAH!

Harry's reflection: Hey, Dr. Marcoh had one left, so here you go!

Harry: Oi, no more pointless flashbacks till Film Five!

Harry's reflection: You're no fun.

Peter: See you when we're barely even two thirds of the way done!

Harry: Exactly how long is this movie? "Hermione's Secret" was only about twenty-nine pages long, and it was the only chapter devoted to the Time Turner, so what gives?

iheartmwpp: Can't wait to repeatedly fall asleep while writing that section. *eyeroll*

Portraits: Dude, we're not your dorm mates who can apparently sleep through everything.

Harry: Not caring! And why do you have a funnel on your head? Whatever, I gotta find this guy!

Book readers: *are kind of surprised the Map doesn't say "Snivellus"*

Harry: Oh snap. Mischief Managed. Nox.

Snape: Potter. What are you doing, wandering the corridors at night? It's not like you could be trying to piece together a load of seemingly insignificant information that would later prove to explain everything that's ever went on ever, that certainly doesn't happen every fucking year.

Harry: …I was sleepwalking.

Prongs: …Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. George was able to be less lame after Snivellus Sectumsepra'd his fucking ear off, and this is all you can come up with? I am so ashamed.

Wormtail: Hey, I was busy running away!

Padfoot: And I'm too busy trying to kill him again so he doesn't hurt your kid!

Prongs: Moony?

Moony: …I got nothing.

Prongs: I will be having words with you later.

Moony: Meep.

Snape: How extraordinarily like your father.

Prongs: Oi, we've just established that he's nothing of the kind! Besides, I would at least have had the foresight to BRING MY FUCKING CLOAK WITH ME!

Snape: He too was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle.

Harry: My dad didn't strut.

ENTIRE FANDOM: …Yeah, he kind of did, actually…

Harry: And nor do I.

Snape: Pfft. What kind of thirteen-year-old actually says nor?

Harry: Awesome ones, that's who.

Snape: Like I said, arrogant.

Harry: Quiet, you. Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you could lower your wand.

Fanfiction writers: *snicker*

Harry: Oh for the love of Dobby's socks, would you lot get the fuck out?

Snape: *lowers his wand slightly*

Harry: OH GOD DON'T POINT IT THERE!

Snape: Turn out your pockets.

Harry: *shifty-eyed* …Why?

Snape: Because I saw you looking at something right before you turned off your wand.

Harry: Oh son of a fuck nut.

Snape: Now turn out. Your pockets.

Rifftrax: I wondered if you could borrow me a piece of Bubble Yum.

Harry: Shit. *pulls out blank Map*

Snape: What's this?

Harry: …Spare bit of parchment.

Snape: And exactly why have you been carrying it around with you like that? And why doesn't it look more careworn, that's a bit weird. Anyway, open it and shit.

Harry: *unfolds it slightly, not opening it completely. For some reason Snape is fine with this*

Snape: *pokes Map with his wand* Reveal your secrets.

Map: Apparently we can just automatically tell it was Snivellus who asked that, because we're just that awesome.

Harry: *gigglesnort*

Snape: Read it, bitch.

Harry: Messrs. Mooney—

iheartmwpp: Fuck you FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

AnnieIWillKnow: I saw on IMDB something interesting about the 'Mooney' mistake..."In the scene where Harry is given the Marauder's Map by the Weasley twins, the name "Moony" is misspelled as "Mooney". While not really a mistake, there is still an interesting connection. The film's visual effects supervisor is named Karl Mooney. The spelling was changed deliberately for the in-joke."

iheartmwpp: …Wut.

AnnieIWillKnow: Yeah. If this is true (which it may not be, as I have seen numerous mistakes on there before), I think this if anything shows greater disrespect... they changed the spelling of a canonical nickname of a very important character for a private joke? What wankers! They should respect the fans and the original story!

iheartmwpp: What she said. *revs up chainsaw in anticipation of any continuation of this fatal mistake*

Harry: Fine, Moony! Bloody fangirl…Anyway, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs…offer their compliments to Professor Snape…

Book readers: It's presents his compliments, and only Moony said that, WTF?

Harry: …and…

Snape: Go on.

Harry: *looks up* And requests that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Snape: Why, you insolent, little—

Lupin: Don't swear, Severus, this is a children's film.

Snape: Hey Lupin, want to come look at the full moon with me? Ha ha, zombie!

Audience: ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT, LUPIN'S A FUCKING WEREWOLF, GET ON WITH IT!

Harry: I'm really stupid for not getting that with all the flashing neon lights in this version.

Lupin: Harry? You all right?

Harry: Yeah, fine, thanks.

Snape: That remains to be seen.

Fanfiction writers: Oooooooh…

Snape: …Why? Just why?

Harry and Lupin: *shrug*

Snape: Okay ANYWAY! *grabs Map*

Harry: Oi! Don't crumple it, asshole!

Snape: Bitch I do what I want.

Lupin: That's not…Oi! Don't crumple it, asshole!

Snape: I don't care what you think. I've just confiscated a rather curious artifact from Mr. Potter. Take a look, Lupin.

Lupin: …Shit, shit, shit…The hell are we gonna get out of this one…

Snape: This is supposed to be your area of expertise, considering I know you helped make it, that one flashback indicates you lot weren't exactly secretive about your nicknames. Also, since Black helped, clearly it's full of Dark Magic.

Lupin: Not really, I mean James, Peter and I helped too so it's not like—I mean I've never seen this before in my life and have no idea what you're talking about.

Snape: That's absurd.

Lupin: You're absurd!

Snape: What? Say that again to my face!

Lupin: You're absurd!

Snape: That's absurd!

Lupin: I Siriusly doubt it, Severus. Anyway, I think it's merely a parchment designed to insult anyone who tries to read it. HA! Damn I'm good, that was hilarious! Wait, that's not how it's spelled, did Padfoot fuck with this before it got confiscated by Filch or something…I mean, I can't imagine how the makers of this Map—PARCHMENT, meant parchment, would know about how big your nose is. I suspect it's a Zonko product Ron brought back for him or something.

Harry: Eh, close enough, same family anyway.

Snape: I'll take it back then—

Lupin: Get your greasy paws off it, you damn dirty Slytherin—I mean, I'll check it for any hidden qualities it may possess, and maybe add to it in the meantime, since it is, as you say, my area of expertise…apparently I was rather good with cartography. Harry would you come with me, please?

Harry: Yay, no detention or points from Gryffindor, awesome!

Lupin: Professor? I just pwned your ass. Good night. *leaves with Harry, leading him into the dark, alone, causing the fanfiction writers to be unable to shut up until the end of time*

Snape: *sings quietly to himself* So many assholes in this place/So many assholes in my face/Why can't they leave me alone—

Portrait: Are you deaf? Put that light out!

Snape: I can hear, I just can't see, which is why I need the light!

~And now for the scene that proves Remus knows what he's doing when it comes to handling kids.~

Harry: Did we just walk in silence till we got to the classroom or something?

Lupin: Hell if I know. I wonder if that corridor was even that far away. Now I haven't the faintest idea, Harry, how this Map came to be in your possession—

Harry: Wait, how do you know it's a map?

Lupin: …I met the manufacturers at one point.

iheartmwpp: HOW HARD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN TO FIT IN.

Lupin: And apparently I'm not even going to ask how you got it. I am, however, astounded that you didn't hand it in. Did it ever occur to you that Sirius Black might know how it works and stuff?

Harry: Nope! I figured that he wouldn't have known it was a Map, actually. I mean, it's not like he helped make it or anything, that would just be stupid.

Lupin: …

Harry: But it did not occur to me, no.

Lupin: You know, your father never set much store by the rules either, not even when it might be incredibly dangerous, I admit that. But he and your mother gave their lives to save yours. And gambling that sacrifice by wandering around the castle, unprotected, with a fucking assumed MAD MASS MURDERER on the loose, seems to be a pretty damn poor way to repay them.

Harry: *lower lip trembles*

Lupin: Now, unless it involves yet another of my massive secrets, I will not cover up for you again, Harry, do you hear me?

Harry: *sniffs* Yes, sir.

Lupin: I want you to return to your dormitory, unprotected, with a fucking assumed MAD MASS MURDERER on the loose, and if you manage to survive, stay there.

Harry: *nods*

Lupin: And don't take any detours, if you do…and if Black manages to catch up with you, come to think of it… *taps Map* I shall know.

Harry: …When you put it like that, the Map sounds absurdly creepy. Oh Merlin, Dad didn't use it primarily to spy on Mum, did he?

Lupin: …That was probably one use for it, I won't deny it.

Harry: I am now scarred for life.

Lupin: I do what I can.

Harry: Sir, JSYK, I don't think that Map always works.

Lupin: HOW DARE YOU CRITICIZE OUR LIFE'S WORK—I mean what makes you say that?

Harry: Well, earlier on, it showed someone in the castle. Someone I know to be dead.

Lupin: Stop talking like no realistic thirteen-year-old would talk. And O RLY, who might that be?

Harry: …Peter Pettigrew.

Lupin: …What.

Harry: Peter Pettigrew.

Lupin: …But…that's not…what? That's not possible, if he was he would've…He's alive? But then…why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless… *eyes suddenly widen, as though he was seeing something beyond Harry, something Harry himself couldn't see* …unless he was the one…unless they switched…without telling me?

Harry: …I have no idea what you're talking about. But it's just what I saw, and also why I was out of bed, I wanted to confirm it and find out what was going on. But I guess it was wrong. Night, Professor! *leaves, skipping merrily down the corridor and leaving Remus pale as a sheet as his entire world is turned upside down. Again*

~Okay, Remus had the fucking Map by that point and we know Peter didn't get farther than Hagrid's hut, so why didn't Remus track him down as soon as he could?~

Trelawney: *creepy voice over of DOOM!* I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

Harry: See anything yet?

Ron: Yeah, there's a burn on this table. Someone's spilled their candle.

Hermione: I thought you were asleep.

Ron: Yeah, I am.

Hermione: …

Harry: If I concentrate really hard…I think I can see…a crystal ball.

Ron: *snorts* Please, Harry. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight. *snores*

Hermione: How the hell does he do that while asleep?

Harry: Iunno.

Trelawney: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

Hermione: Good for you.

Harry: Ron, wake up for reals, she's coming this way.

Ron: PANCAKES! Huh wha?

Hermione: Wow, no drool string this time, I'm impressed.

Trelawney: How y'all doin' over here?

Harry and Ron: Er…

Hermione: OH MAH GOD PLEASE PICK ME PICK ME I SO GOT THIS!

Trelawney: Kays.

Hermione: The Grim. Possibly. And it's clear from my tone that I'm insulting every single one of your beliefs. I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER!

Trelawney: My dear…It's so freaking obvious that you're lying. If you wanted to even attempt to fake it, at least look at the crystal ball when you make shit up, honestly. Plus I had a feeling you'd suck at this class from the beginning, considering you never look beyond facts or figures and refuse to open your mind to other possibilities in any way. Which is rather hypocritical when you think about it, considering the lot of you were in the freaking Chamber of Secrets last year, and that was only supposed to be a legend, wasn't it? You'd think you'd be more open to that kind of mythological crap happening, especially in the final installment. One really must wonder how you avoided being in Ravenclaw. Really, it's like you're an obscenely old woman who's set in her ways, which is rather depressing given how young you are.

Hermione: Gasp! She insulted my beliefs after I insulted hers! That's not in any way fair! I'm so fucking out of here, and I think I'll vandalize school property on the way out.

Ron: …Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?

Hermione: I'm honestly shocked that I didn't try to kick it as well. Maybe I knew I'd break my foot or something, and that would not cause very happy feelings.

Trelawney: Bitch had it coming.

~It really is kind of stupid to drop a class when you're nearly done with the semester. Otherwise I totally would have dropped New England Lit. Damn English major requirements…~

Book readers: Hey, isn't this the exact same spiral staircase thing that'll be used outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom next film? OMFG IS THAT THE ONE-EYED WITCH STATUE AT THE BOTTOM, NO FUCKING WAY. That just proves it, that statue's totally meant to be on the third floor.

Ron: She's gone mental, Hermione has. Vandalizing school property, honestly. Still, I really can't believe it took her this long to finally walk out of that class.

Harry: Well that's what happens when you have two conflicting points of view and neither person even considered opening their minds to different opinions. Wait…WTF's the crystal ball doing here, on a random step thing?

iheartmwpp: That's a weird place for it to stop, I expected it to keep rolling down the stairs.

Harry: For some reason my main character instincts are demanding that I take this back upstairs.

Ron: You're too nice for your own good, mate.

Harry: You're probably right. See you later.

Ron: Bye, have fun sort of foreshadowing the underlying plot of the entire septology!

Harry: I will, bye!

Random student # 61: Oi, watch it!

Harry: Get the fuck out the way, bitch.

Random student # 61: Wow, what an asshole.

Harry: Did I not even bother bringing my bag with me today?

iheartmwpp: Do we really need these shots of him walking through the classrooms, or did we desperately need to show off Stuart Craig's design work for no real reason? Yes, we get it, he's awesome, get on with it. Also eighteen seconds. Ish.

KITTY!: *is there*

Harry: Okay, that's done, so now I can leave…Ron totally slipped something into my pumpkin juice, didn't he?

Book readers: …WHAT THE FUCK WAS SIRIUS'S HEAD DOING IN THERE.

Book readers desperate to rationalize things: Maybe he's just getting really paranoid about Pads trying to kill him?

Every other book reader: …Or it could just be some more pointlessness since the filmmakers are so desperate to not include the Marauder backstory.

iheartmwpp: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

Parody readers: Time?

iheartmwpp: Oh, right. Erm…looks like about nineteen seconds, this time. Feels like nineteen hours, this whole damn movie, why isn't Sirius here yet?

Trelawney: *grabs Harry's shoulder, breathing raggedly and generally acting far more disturbing than usual*

Harry: *barely reacts beyond calmly and lifelessly saying her name*

Audience: Huh. We haven't heard him act this poorly since he was lying to Quirrel about what he saw in the Mirror. And here we thought he was supposed to improve with age.

Trelawney: HE WILL RETURN TONIGHT EVEN THOUGH HE'S KIND OF BEEN BACK FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS OR SO.

Harry: …The fuck?

Trelawney: TONIGHT, HE WHO BETRAYED HIS BESTEST FRIENDLY-FRIENDS, WHOSE HEART ROTS WITH THE MURDERS WE NEVER DISCUSSED SHALL ESCAPE AND SHIT. INNOCENT BLOOD OF PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE YOU LOVE SHALL BE SPILT, AND SERVANT AND MASTER WILL BE REUNITED ONCE MOOOOOORE…PLEASE LET THERE BE NO CREEPY FANFICTION WRITTEN BASED ON THAT LAST STATEMEEEEENT…

Harry: Damn it, why does the weird shit always happen around me?

Book readers: GET THE PROPHECY RIGHT, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!

Trelawney: *hack, hack, hack, cough, cough, hack, hack, choke, hack, hack, cough, gag, gag, choke, sing, dance, choke, choke, cough, cough, hack, gag, hack, vomit* Phew. That was fun. Oh! My dear boy! Good morning, starshine, the Earth says hello!

Harry: …That's great, that's really fantastic. Um, I have to go now because…my grandmother's on fire… *runs the fuck out of there*

Trelawney: What an eccentric performance.

Harry: Jesus, that was terrifying. I wonder if this will spell the doom of nearly everyone in the series, if I end up assisting it in some fashion, or if there was another prediction she made in a similar way that caused this entire series of unfortunate events and also heavily involves me…Naaaaah, that's just silly. WHEEEEE! *slides down railing of spiral staircase thing*

Screen: *fades to black*

Rifftrax: Well it was way too long, but I did like the provocative ending! That was great, it probably—

Screen: *starts playing movie again*

Rifftrax: Aw, dang!

~KROOOOOOOOOOOOZE—I mean, CROOOOOOOOOOWS!~

Review or Hermione will kick a crystal ball AT YO FACE, BITCH!


	15. Teh ONE OF MANY USES OF MAGICAL STEROIDS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Twelve Chairs, or Rifftrax.

~Siriusly, what's with the sudden abundance of crows?~

McNair: Fear my Creepy Legs of Evil.

Unsettled Trio of What Is With Hermione's Expression: Get used to these outfits, we'll be wearing them for most of the rest of the movie.

Hermione: Since when am I such a girly-girl? Was there ever any sort of indication that I ever liked pink?

Harry: I repeat my earlier statement about wearing clothes that actually sort of fit me.

Ron: Really, I appear to be the only one dressed canonically for the rest of the film; check out my too-small maroon jumper! Yay for following the books somewhat!

McNair: …This thing is fucking huge. Also why am I using a stone to sharpen it, shouldn't I do it with, Iunno, magic or something? Hell, I half-expected it to be goblin-made, you're not supposed to have to sharpen those! Grar.

Pissed Off Trio of Wah-Face: We're pouting.

McNair: Daaaaaah… *drools*

Book readers: It's so nice to know that they turned McNair's character into a mindless executioner.

Annoyed Trio of God This Part Of The Movie's Gonna Be So Freaking Boring: We are still mildly peeved at the existence of this bridge thing.

Hermione: Oh, in case anyone forgot over the past five minutes, Buckbeak's gonna die soon and stuff. In case you missed that, since the executioner with the huge-ass axe of doom certainly didn't imply anything bad about to happen.

Ron: Oh joy.

Malfoy: Siriusly, where the fuck is Goyle in these scenes? Also that hippogriff's hide is going to look so awesome at the foot of my bed.

Hermione: Okay, what is with me in this scene? Yes, I hit Malfoy in the book as well, but that was because I was so overly stressed throughout the entire year due to the weight of all my classes finally starting to get to me, my friendship with Ron had very nearly ended, and Malfoy just made me pretty much snap. In the film, we barely see Ron and I bicker all that much and we certainly don't stop being friends at any point in time, nor does me taking too many classes ever have any kind of effect on me. So I'm basically about to lash out at Malfoy for no real reason, basically turning into an arrogant bullying toerag. Basically. Hooray!

Crabbe: Oh hai Mudblood.

Malfoy: Cool, you come to watch too? It's a pretty decent view from up here—

Hermione: I WILL TEAR YOUR INTESTINES OUT AND FEED THEM TO CROOKSHANKS. *points wand at him*

Ron: Hermione, no! He's not worth it!

Harry: Wow, how OOC are you? I mean, normally we'd do the exact same thing, why is Hermione acting out for once such a bad thing?

iheartmwpp: Okay, what is up with Draco in this scene? I think the nickname Snivellus went to the wrong Potter rival dude…actually, giving that name to Severus made no sense either, I was hoping for some decent context behind it, like the Marauders caught him crying or something, but I guess James and Sirius just called him that because it sounded vaguely like Severus. Come on, even Sourgrapes or Butt Trumpet make more sense than that, they could feasibly have legitimate context! Oh, right, scene…you know, why is Draco freaking out like that, he could easily duck, knock the wand out of her hand faster than she can speak, or at the very least not act like a total pussy.

Harry, Ron, Crabbe and Nott: We'll just stand here and watch!

Hermione: Okay, I won't do anything.

Malfoy: Sweet—

Hermione: Not! FALCON…PAWNCH!

Malfoy: *clutches nose with both hands* I'm bleeding!

Crabbe: What the hell, I'm actually showing concern!

Malfoy: RUN AWAY! *they run away*

Hermione: That felt good. Been meaning to do that for years.

Ron: Not good, brilliant!

Harry: Dude, what the hell, pick a side and stick to it! You're sending the young, impressionable children mixed messages!

Hermione: Yep, and one of those messages is that girls can totally punch boys in the face and get away with it! What a lovely message that won't ever be harmful to anyone or isn't abusive in any way!

~Do we really need to watch them walk down to Hagrid's? That's, what, fourteen seconds longer than necessary.~

Depressed Trio of Sadness: Us walking past Buckbeak chained to the ground is in fact nessa. Extremely nessa.

Hagrid: Let us lament how Buckbeak's life'll soon end an' how we're all powerless ter stop it.

Harry: Why can't we just set him free?

Hagrid: Ah, they'd know it was me.

Harry: Not if you play dumb while we insist we did it behind your back because we hated the injustice of it all.

Hagrid: Then you lot would get inter trouble, as would Dumbledore.

Harry: Okay, then how about we sneak out now, make sure that executioner dude sees him, and then set him free while he's getting the axe ready or something?

Hagrid: Don' bother, I don' want yeh getting' caught.

Harry: Poopie. Siriusly though, why didn't either of these thoughts ever occur to us in the book?

Hermione: We were too used to the Ministry actually convincingly pretending to do what was right.

Harry: Ah.

Hagrid: Also Dumbledore is still slightly awesome fer comin' down ter be with me fer when my beloved pet gets executed. Should be fun.

Book readers: Oooooh, what's that thing in the corner? No, Siriusly, tell us, we wanna know.

Whatever it is: OM NOM NOM.

Hermione: You'd expect Harry to be the one to volunteer the lot of us to stay with Hagrid as well, but you'd be wrong.

Hagrid: Hells no, I don' want yeh ter have yer innocence destroyed so quickly, I say as if any of yeh actually have innocence left ter speak of after the past couple o' years. No, yeh just drink yer tea ter inforce tha' we're British an' be off. Oh, before yeh do, Ron… *pulls lid off thingy and pulls out Scabbers from within said thingy*

Ron: Scabbers! My beloved pet whom I've always adored and cherished, especially this year! You're actually still alive!

Hagrid: Why're we still tryin' ter suggest tha' Ron isn't responsible with his pets?

Scabbers: Damn it! I knew I should've headed off to Albania when I had the chance!

Hermione: Considering we never reconciled like we did in the book, I think this means you owe someone an apology.

Ron: Right. Next time I see Crookshanks, I'll apologize to him for thinking he followed his instincts and tried to eat something that all cats chase and eat.

Hermione: I meant me!

Ron: What, for thinking he ate Scabbers when all the evidence clearly pointed that way? Quite frankly, you should owe me an apology for buying that thing in the first place, you must have known he'd go after Scabbers!

Hermione: No, I meant for getting angry at me for what my cat did.

Ron: …You're still the one who bought him in the first place. And were completely unrepentant about it. So no.

Rock: SMASH.

iheartmwpp: Okay, so here only half the vase breaks, remember this…And who picks up a rock like that, Siriusly?

Harry: OH GOD THE AGONY. I think that cracked my skull…Also there are people coming, and they don't look very friendly.

Hagrid: Crikey…Wait, I get tha' two o' them are Fudge an' McNair, but the other one's Dumbledore!

Harry: Like I said, they don't look very friendly.

Dumbledore: And why do I now have a walking stick?

Hagrid: I really need ter get a clock fer this place so we could realize tha' you lot really shouldn' be out here at this time, particularly you, Harry.

Harry: I wonder if you know that I know about Black supposedly being after me.

Hagrid: Not a clue.

Door: Knock knock.

Hagrid: 'Ang on a minute. *covers whatever that thing was with a rather nice-looking quilt* GTFO, you lot.

Ron and Hermione: *flee*

Harry: Really crap comforting I'm doing here, and the inflection is particularly horrible, but I am quite terrified so that could potentially be used as an excuse.

Hagrid: Or yeh just suck at actin'. Now OUT.

Harry: Okay, okay, keep your head on…Ooooh, too soon?

Hermione: Yay, I get the camera to myself again!

iheartmwpp: What happened to that one promotional shot of those three hanging out of the hut, they never once actually showed that shot in the film! Also where the hell did that back door come from?

Dumbledore: Look, what a lovely diversion that is over there!

Hagrid: Come on in, y'all.

Fudge: Awesome, party in the house! *starts raising the roof*

Hagrid: …Never speak again.

Ron: Let's get going already.

Audience: By all rights we should be seeing the future Harry and Hermione running away as well. SOME kind of continuity would be nice.

Hagrid: Are they gone yet? Eh, close enough.

Freaked Out Trio of Running Away: How the fuck are these pumpkins this huge and ripe and stuff in June?

Fudge: I have a rather odd reading voice.

Harry: Are we really gonna stay here and watch this?

Branch: *snaps…least, it might have been a branch, I honestly don't know*

Hermione: *whips around, staring into the forest*

Harry: What?

Hermione: I thought I just saw/heard something that completely goes against pretty much everything my character ever was and ever will be, turning the film version of me into an even worse portrayal of my character than Michael Gambon's version of Dumbledore and proving that Steve Kloves doesn't love me as much as he says he does…Naaah, couldn't have been. *said in an appropriately suspicious and surprised tone, remember this*

Ron: Let's go. *said in a really deep tone and spoken in a way as if he's ordering them or something, also remember this*

Harry: Must look back as we're running. *looks back as they're running*

Buckbeak: Oh so you're not even gonna try to save me? That's nice, I really appreciate that. Asshats.

Harry: Shit, should've thought of something. Ah well, too late now.

iheartmwpp: Personal opinion…I'm really not liking John Williams's soundtrack this time around. A Window to the Past and Buckbeak's Flight were both awesometastic, but that's about it. Now it's just getting annoying and I just don't have as much love for this soundtrack as I did for the first two. Aaaaand I'll get to the other soundtracks when I get to those films.

Sad Trio of Misery: We have reached the Stonehenge rip-off! Let us now stand here and watch!

Harry: *has a blank expression, as per usual*

Ron: *looks slightly bewildered, possibly in disbelief at the whole situation*

Hermione: *looks to be near tears, as she has fallopian tubes and therefore is the only one allowed to cry*

McNair: Don't yell at me for taking my time, this axe is heavy!

Dumbledore and Hagrid: We'll be inside if you need us. It's not like we're actually supposed to be watching this or anything.

Ron: *now looks slightly more solemn*

The other two: *remain the same, Hermione starting to sob a bit…far more realistically than Harry did earlier*

McNair: *raises axe*

Audience: GET ON WITH IT.

Giant-ass axe of DOOM!: Slice.

Crows: WHEEEEEEEEE!

Hermione: Wah-face. Also notice how I cling to RON for comfort.

Ron: Sweet! I mean…this is horrible. Oh no.

Harry: Why the hell am I clinging to Hermione then? I thought we were trying to deflect the H/Hr shippers, not encourage them! The fact that I'm probably just trying to comfort Hermione as well as myself doesn't make this any less awkward.

iheartmwpp: Am I the only one who thinks this hug is really weird and probably inspired many a threesome fic?

Scabbers: OM NOM NOM.

Ron: JESUS! He bit me, the asshole!

Scabbers: FREEDOM!

Ron: Uh-uh, not this time! GET OVER HERE.

Hermione: Is now really the time, Ron?

Ron: Yeah, because you would just let Crookshanks go after not seeing him in Merlin knows how long. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to rescue my pet again.

Scabbers: Damn it, I really don't need your help, mate.

Harry: Come on, we might as well follow him. I know I'd be torn up inside if anything ever happened to Hedwig.

Hermione: Hang on, Harry, let's just stop here for no real reason since you have no idea what's over this hill since they moved it.

Ron: Gotcha! Now why'd you bite me, anyway? That's not very nice, you know.

Scabbers: Curses, foiled again.

Whomping Willow: Again, that rat looks totally familiar, if I could only get a better look…

Hermione: Figured it out yet?

Harry: …Oh, there it is, I'd wondered where it'd been moved to…shit. RON, RUN!

Ron: Nah, I'm pretty good, thanks…HOLY FUCK. HARRY, HERMIONE, GET OUT OF THERE! IT'S THE GRIM! IT'LL KILL YOU EVEN THOUGH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE JUST AN OMEN OF DEATH AND YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO DIE AFTER LOOKING AT IT SO IF IT IS THE GRIM WE'RE ALL COMPLETELY FUCKED ANYWAY!

Harry and Hermione: Oh poopie.

Padfoot: Get down, you two!

Harry and Hermione: *comply*

Padfoot: Awesome, now I have complete access to that rat bastard!

Ron: *jerks back*

Padfoot: …Shit. Ah well. *bites Ron's leg*

Ron: OH GOD THE AGONY. I mean, good thing it's not Moony, but this still sucks. Also I'm being dragged into a random tunnel that wasn't foreshadowed in any way, even though the twins totally should have mentioned that when they gave Harry the Map.

Harry: Damn it, can horrible things not happen to my bestest friendly-friends? Ever?

Padfoot: Yo, Whompy! Long time no see!

Whomping Willow: OMFG Padfoot! It's been so long! Have you lost weight?

Padfoot: You still know how to flatter a guy! Hey, I'm gonna drag this kid and Wormtail off to the Shack now, hope that's okay.

Whomping Willow: Oh, so that is Wormtail down there! I had a feeling! Where ya been, bud?

Scabbers: Away from here!

Whomping Willow: Dude, what's your problem? What is it with you and Moony, he's been here all year but hasn't come to visit me once! And I haven't seen Prongs either, come to think of it.

Padfoot: Um, I'll explain later, for now can you please let us get by? For old time's sake?

Whomping Willow: Oh, sure thing, man!

Padfoot: Cheers.

iheartmwpp: This is the only explanation I can come up with to explain why the tree didn't start moving until after Sirius dragged Ron and Peter down there.

Harry: Wait, how can you talk with Ron's leg in your mouth?

Padfoot: Because I'm just that awesome.

Harry: Ah. We're still gonna try to get him back now, though.

Padfoot: Yeah, good luck with that.

Scabbers: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

Ron: This is rather unpleasant.

The original script: *had Harry grab Ron's arm and Hermione grab Harry's leg so Padfoot was dragging all three of them, then Ron purposefully lets go of Harry, sacrificing himself. But obviously that was cut, since Ron can never be shown to be a good friend ever*

Harry: *is currently scrambling on his stomach* RON! Damn it, you're just out of reach, that sucks.

Ron: Since when is there a tunnel here, this wasn't foreshadowed at all! No, really, it wasn't in this version, WTF.

Padfoot: We're not including anything important about our years at Hogwarts, remember?

Scabbers: Yeah, that is a bit odd. Oh right, I'm supposed to be panicking. Though why I don't try biting Ron again, I'm not entirely sure…

Two Animagi and a Weasley (interesting band name): *disappear*

Harry: Hang on, I'm nearly there! As long as I stay down—

Hermione: Nonsense, let me help you up so we can think about this rationally.

Whomping Willow: Yeah no. Piss off. *bashes them in the chest*

Harry: Damn it, Hermione, why'd you help me up? I should've kept scrambling forward!

Hermione: I had to, we need another pointless scene to waste more time so the backstory of this tree and its tunnel will never be explained!

Whomping Willow: Exactly, now GTFO.

Harry: Again, I'm Prongs's son!

Whomping Willow: Well, you do have his hair this year, but you're still far too much of a pansy to be related to him.

Harry: Damn it, Padfoot, why didn't you tell the tree I could go in?

Ron: DID YOU FORGET THAT I'M STILL SCREAMING IN TERROR?

Harry: Oh yeah, we should probably get on that.

Hermione: Ooooh, I've got an idea, as we're running toward the tunnel, we should totally be holding hands. That way, even though it's kind of logical that we want to stick together so we can get to the tunnel together, we can encourage the H/Hr shippers at the same time!

Ron: It's a good thing for my low self-esteem and jealousy issues that I'm not there right now.

Harry: Or we could not, since this branch indicates we make a bigger target together and therefore should split up. Now I think I'll stand back up after dodging that one and not move like a complete idiot.

Hermione: Yah rly, even I got out of the way in time, and you're supposed to be this really great Seeker or whatever. Duck!

Harry: Where? *Whompy bashes him in the face*

Glasses: Crap, we are lost and stuff.

Hermione: Poopie. Well, guess I might as well stand around and make no attempt to move as well, see if I can jump over a branch or something and make no progress toward the tunnel whatsoever…WHEEE! Awesome, totally made it — and this groan sounded totally fake as I grab onto this branch and am carried off by it.

Rifftrax: And Hermione has a number of broken ribs and is coughing up lots of blood…

Harry: That's nice, the entire tree nearly just fell on me. Fuck this, where the fuck is Crookshanks? And everything is blurry, this is awesome.

Hermione: IT IS MY TURN TO SCREAM IN TERROR, BITCH!

Harry: That's cool, I'll just lie here.

Camera: Hey look, another reason to focus on Hermione! This will never get old!

Harry: Gonna try standing up now—

Hermione: NO YOU'RE NOT.

Harry: Right, guess I'm not. Now where the hell are my glasses, the series can't go on without one of my trademarks…

Hermione: Apparently I'm really good at holding on for dear life, these other branches the one I'm clinging to is pulling me through would have knocked off any lesser mortal.

Harry: FOUND YOU. Okay, now to get my bearings…What the hell?

Hermione: Comin' at ya!

Time: *momentarily stops, as if we're suddenly in a cartoon, as Hermione grabs Harry's shirt and Harry looks down at her hand and back at the camera. We really needed to focus on this. It is integral to the entirety of our very existance*

Harry: HOLY SHIT HOW ARE YOU LIFTING ME UP LIKE THIS.

Hermione: I-It's just adrenaline, that's all, r-really. I must be really worked up or in the moment or something—

Harry: Yeah, not buying it. 'Sides, I'm probably not as light as the half-starved guy from the books.

Hermione: W-Well it must be the centrifugal force, then, we are going in a circle rather quickly—

Harry: I don't think we're moving fast enough for that to happen. I also really don't think there's any way you could've lifted me up like this for so long.

Hermione: OKAY, FINE, I'VE BEEN TAKING STEROIDS, HAPPY?

Harry: …But you show none of the symptoms, such as facial hair, a more masculine figure and facial structure, male pattern baldness—

Hermione: Magic steroids.

Harry: Oh. Okay then.

Hermione: Also I apparently have fantastic aim. See you in a sec!

Harry: Wait, what're you OH GOD DON'T LET GO—Ow.

Hermione: And I just magically managed to get the branch to chuck me in as well, I see.

iheartmwpp: One minute fourteen seconds. Yawn.

Harry: I think you broke my spine.

Hermione: Oh. Sorry.

Harry: Eh, as long as we're continuing to tease the shippers with something that will never happen in canon, I don't really care.

Hermione: So, considering there's been no attempt at foreshadowing this thing's existence whatsoever, where d'you think it leads to?

Rifftrax: Hopefully to the hospital where they can start putting steel pins into your many broken bones?

Harry: Well, there is a building that was foreshadowed a few times…I don't really want to end up there, though, not unless I get told a bit about my dad and his connection to the place.

Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot: HA! As if we'd talk about Prongs or our name origins or anything related to any of us at all!

Harry: I hate all of you.

Moony and Padfoot: *pout*

Wormtail: Whatever.

~Oh yeah, that passageway looks really low, they'll definitely have to crawl through it in four years…Actually, it makes much more sense for it to have a high ceiling if a heavily injured teenager has to drag himself through it and back every month.~

Review or Sirius will give you his fleas.


	16. Teh FREAKING MARAUDER BACKSTORY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Mystery Science Theater 3000, My Immortal, Assassin's Creed, Sweeney Todd, Monty Python, Gurren Lagann, Planet of the Apes, a couple of the Harry Potter related Yo Mama jokes, a few Skpye conversations with Raven that I snuck in whenever I felt like being more random than usual, or Rifftrax.

~In the Lego game, there is a Sirius Black wanted poster tacked to the wall. What, did Remus stop by for old time's sake and put it up for no reason? Weirdo.~

Harry: At last, we have arrived at our destination! Here, Hermione, let me physically help you up, since we're obviously not in a rush of any kind and you couldn't possibly climb a few stairs yourself, since you have fallopian tubes and all.

Hermione: If I wasn't so worried about Ron, you wouldn't have any functional kneecaps right now. Also we appear to be in the Shrieking Shack, I know psychically. And there's an entire room that we will never see, apparently.

Harry: Yep, and I'm pretty sure Ron's upstairs, look at these marks in the dust. So let's be sure not to fuck up any of these scenes or they'll have to take a few hours putting the fake dust back on again and getting it exactly right and being generally annoyed with us.

Ron: I'm still moaning in pain, BTW.

Harry: Jesus, how many rooms do we never get to see? Without them, the Shack looks rather small, which might make book readers wonder how was Moony able to fit in it in the first place. No wonder the other three started taking him outside later if this was where he had to transform!

Ron: That's nice, I'm over by the fireplace if you're wondering. And no, I have no idea why the Shrieking Bloody Shack would have a fireplace. Well, Moony'd get cold in winter, obviously, but he might not have been strong enough to light it himself once the moon set, so it seems kind of pointless.

Harry and Hermione: *ignore their heavily injured friend and stare incredulously at the piano*

~Skype conversations with Raven are made of awesome.~

iheartmwpp says: WHY IS THERE A PIANO IN THE SHRIEKING SHACK? AND WHY IS THIS ONLY BUGGING ME NOW?

Raven Wolfmoon says: Sirius: Harry, I could explain my backstory to you in words, but they're oh so boring. Instead, I shall sing a song about it.

Raven Wolfmoon says: Remus: Oh dear God WHY?

Raven Wolfmoon says: And that's why the piano's there

Raven Wolfmoon says: OMG and actually include part of the song

Raven Wolfmoon says: OHHHHHHHHHH when I was a young boyyyyyyy I met another boyyyyyyyyyyy named James Potter! And he was...uhhh...hotter? Erm...and we had funnnnnn with all friendssssssssssss until Peter was a douchebaggggggggg

Raven Wolfmoon says: I'm guffawing at my own joke

Raven Wolfmoon says: I just like Sirius singing about Peter being a douchebag

iheartmwpp says: LOL yeah I could see that

Raven Wolfmoon says: Remus: Why do you have a hook for a hand, Sirius?

Raven Wolfmoon says: Sirius: *flashbacks to Shrek* Iunno

iheartmwpp says: Harry: When I was in the Shack, someone everyone thinks is a Death Eater cuts off his hand and then Sirius shows up without a hand, what is that?

iheartmwpp says: Dumbledore: Sirius has assured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident.

iheartmwpp says: MODIFIED AVPM FTW!

Raven Wolfmoon says: OMG I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

~I HAD TO INCLUDE THIS SOMEWHERE.~

Ron: …Guys? I'M OVER HERE.

Harry: Oh yeah, sorry.

Hermione: How y'all doin' tonight?

Ron: Well my leg's been nearly ripped out if its socket, there are gaping wounds in it, and I've soiled myself several times over in fear, but other than that, eh, you know, can't complain.

Harry: Cool. Hey, where'd the puppy go? I wants to pet it.

Ron: Funny story about that…

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!

Ron: The were-Chihuahua lesson proved to serve two points, not that we ever bothered to go over Animagi in the parody but we did in the film so yeah. He's over there and stuff. *points*

Harry and Hermione: *immediately look at the floor*

Ron: …What are you two doing? I'm pointing to the door, not the floor.

Hermione: But it works so well as a camera angle and stuff!

Ron: Yeah, it's fine for the camera, it doesn't mean you two can't look where you're supposed to!

Paw prints: *exist*

Sirius Black's feet: *also exist*

Sirius Black: Haaaaaaaaai.

Sirius fangirls: Oh HELL no! That can't be Siri-kins, he's not sexy at all!

Rest of fandom: …No crap, he just escaped from living a dozen years in literal hell on Earth, where he had nothing decent to eat in as many years, and he'll be living off rats for the next year or so anyway. So of course he wouldn't look all that stunning after that! 'Sides, it's Gary Fucking Oldman, can't you just enjoy the fantastic acting like the rest of us?

Sirius fangirls: But…but he's not good-looking!

Rest of fandom: WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Puppy Love fangirls: WE DO! If neither Sirius nor Remus look all that good in the movies, how can we possibly write porn involving them?!

Sane sections of fandom: Oh dear God, why do we associate ourselves with you.

iheartmwpp: I'm not kidding at all, these types of fangirls exist all over this bloody site. It's painful to see, why can't we all just bask in the glow of the totally awesome acting?

Black: I'm in ur Shack, terrorizing ur main characters.

Hermione: *jumps in front of Harry…and it looks kind of awkward* If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill us, too!

Ron: Oh hell no, you did not just steal my line! Both of us are supposed to defend Harry, and I get to say it!

Hermione: But Sirius just practically tore your leg off, you can't possibly stand on that! And you're still trying to hold on to Scabbers!

Ron: That didn't stop me in the book! And despite this entire book/film's evidence to the contrary, I do actually care about my friends more than my pets! This is the greatest argument against those fanfiction writers who insist that I'm just friends with Harry for the money Dumbledore's giving me or whatever their made-up excuse is and you have to go and RUIN IT!

Hermione: Holy shit!

Ron: But why should I get any decent scenes, from here on out the movie franchise is only about Harry and you anyway!

Black: …Right, well, I'm still not gonna kill any of you, so…

Harry: Oh cool, can I kill you then?

Black: Er…

Harry: Awesome. WHEEEEEE! *grabs Black's throat, throws him to the ground with his hand around his neck, and points his wand at Black's head*

Black: Must've gone a bit off the deep end in Azkaban, considering I'm cackling hysterically and this isn't exactly the time for it. Still, I can't help but wonder if you're really gonna kill me like this.

Harry: …I would if I knew any other useful spells beyond expelliarmus and expecto patronum at this point, but I don't, so I think it's better if I just keep strangling you.

Lupin: *appears* Speaking of one of those two spells…

Harry's wand: WHEEEEE!

Harry: Oh come on, man!

Lupin: GTFO.

Harry: …Damn it, I wanted to murder people.

Hermione: You'll get your chance. *pat pat*

Harry: …Not really—

Hermione: Shut up and let me cling to your arm.

Ron: You're lucky I'm not the jealous type—Oh wait, yes I am.

Hermione: Shut up Ron. Mummy and Daddy are talking.

Lupin: Well, well, Sirius—hang on, where'd that piano come from?

Black: You know, I've been wondering the same thing myself.

Lupin: Oh well. Anyway, you look like shit, mate.

Black: Your face looks like shit!

Lupin: You really haven't changed a bit, have you? Aside from the current hideous appearance, of course. 'Bout time you looked as crazy as you are.

Black: Yeah, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, matey-poo?

Lupin: Your blatant insult against not only myself but all people with my condition has caused me to become rather overjoyed. I need help.

Black: Well we knew that. *grins cheekily*

Lupin: *grins back and helps him up; then comes the infamous Embraced Like Brothers scene. You know, I think it was on that Ultimate Edition: Characters special that's on the CoS Blu-Ray or something — I wouldn't know, I don't own it but was lucky enough to catch it on some random channel one time — but there was one take where it actually did look like a friendly hug instead of them RANDOMLY DECIDING TO ALMOST MAKE OUT. Why they didn't use the first take instead is beyond me. What the hell was the director thinking, I know he thought Remus was a gay junkie but this is riddikulus. Also he should have confirmed it with JKR in the first place, the idiot*

Puppy Love fangirls: WE KNEW IT. *and there was much rejoicing*

Hermione: *tilting her head to the side* Are you two a gay couple or something?

Black and Lupin: We really don't know anymore.

Harry: In any case, as Black is still supposed to be kind of evil, I feel rather betrayed at the moment. Not that you can really tell since the camera's focusing on Hermione again, but I actually do a halfway decent job at being in complete disbelief for once.

Black: Stop nuzzling my neck, I actually found him!

Lupin: I know!

Black: He's totally here and stuff!

Lupin: Lyke no wai.

Black: Way, bitch! Can we kill him, pleeeease?

Lupin: I never could resist those puppy dog eyes.

Black: I know you couldn't. *smirks suggestively*

Hermione: NO!

Lupin: Ah, right. Sirius, baby, I'm sorry, but I'm still a professor, and shagging in front of small children isn't exactly setting a good example for them.

Black: Bugger.

iheartmwpp: *snickering* Okay, I'll stop now, I promise.

Hermione: I TRUSTED YOU! And all this time…you've been his friend.

Harry: …You're stealing my lines now? Really? You're that desperate to have the camera on you at all times? Also, this is me talking, I know, but I really think I could've done it better. Not least considering I was the one getting private lessons from Lupin all year, and I was the closest to him out of any of us. In short: Fuck you, Hermione. Fuck you.

Hermione: That's nice, but you should know he's totally a werewolf and stuff.

Movie watchers: No shit, it's not that hard to figure out.

Book readers: Yeah, it's obvious in hindsight, originally we had absolutely no idea till Hermione said anything.

Black: Actually, he's more of a—

Lupin: Not now, Sirius, leave me with some dignity for the moment, honestly. And how long have you known anyway?

Hermione: Since Professor Snape set the essay.

Black: Professor WUT.

Lupin: Yeah, I know, long story. Also yes, we get it, you're freaking smart and stuff, now stop stealing everyone's lines.

Harry: THANK YOU.

Ron: I'm actually glad my initial reaction to this news was cut, no one wants to see the Weasleys as prejudiced a pureblood family as the Malfoys. I did glare a bit, though. And you'd think we'd have a bigger reaction to this news anyway, it's kind of brushed aside rather quickly.

Harry: Probably because it doesn't matter.

Lupin: Actually…shit, did I take the potion today?

Black: Yes, yes, you glow like the sun and you howl at the moon. Can we get on with the murdering already?

iheartmwpp: I paraphrased the second sentence, but the first one was, once again, in the original script. They really were planning to amp up the homoerotic undertones between these two from the very beginning. *eyeroll*

Lupin: Hang on a minute, Sirius—

Black: Look, asshole, I don't have a fucking minute! I spent the past twelve years, TWELVE FUCKING YEARS, in fucking Azkaban because I didn't manage to kill this guy. I'm sorry, but I don't much care for your priorities, I want to KILL THE BASTARD WHO FUCKING RUINED ALL OUR LIVES. I'm even willing to let you help, I'm sure you must have gone through hell too. So how 'bout we do this now, while we still have a chance, in case he, Iunno, MANAGES TO ESCAPE AGAIN OR SOME OTHER SHIT.

Lupin: *stares at him for a bit before glancing at the Betrayed Trio of Confusion*

Rifftrax: Can you believe this nut log?

Hermione: *is clinging to Harry, when Ron's the one who's heavily injured and who she's supposed to end up with. Yep, keep shipping Harry/Hermione, guys, we don't mind*

Lupin: …Very well. Kill him. *hands Black his wand—NO NOT THAT WAND, I just said the gay jokes are done, get your minds out of the gutter*

Black: Yoink.

Lupin: But wait one more minute that will stretch into never getting to kill him ever, you beloved godson has the right to know about this. And notice how you and I are pretty much the only adults in the entire series who believe that Harry should occasionally know what the fuck's going on.

iheartmwpp: …The Shack moves side to side with the wind. Oh yeah, such a stable looking place, a fully-grown werewolf couldn't possibly be able to break out with fucking ease. I get that the filmmakers were going for an extra-creepy vibe for the place, but they have to remember what the damn house was built for in the first place. Oh right, they clearly DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH THE FUCKING PLOT. Fucking assholes.

Harry: I do believe I already understand, actually.

Lupin: O RLY?

Harry: YA RLY. *looks at Black* You betrayed my parents! You're the reason they're dead and why my life has constantly been in the shit hole!

Lupin: No, Harry, the main plot twist in this installment was that it wasn't him! It was someone who was supposed to be dead, even though they never really found the body or anything. Hell, even I believed it until a few nights ago, despite the fact that I never did anything about it!

Harry: Oh, okay, who was it then?

Black: Our dearest little friendly-friend, Peter Pettigrew. And he's in this room! Right now! *starts laughing hysterically* Come out, come out, Peter! Come out, come out, and plaaaaaaaaaay!

Harry: If you're trying to convince us that you're not insane, you're not doing a very good job. Also is there some kind of hide-and-seek backstory I'm missing?

Lupin: Hmm, interesting Marauder fic idea thingy.

Snape: *appears* Oh would all of you shut up already. Also expelliarmus.

Black: Bugger again.

Snape: Hey, it’s the two still-living people I hate more than anyone else.

Harry: Why's that?

Snape: *points at Sirius and bursts into song* He tried to feed me to a werewolf! Huzzah!

Harry: …You're fucking kidding me.

Snape: Nope! In this very Shack too, tonight's just full of irony.

Hermione: I thought the Shack was just haunted, what would a werewolf be doing down here?

Black and Lupin: Oy vey.

Snape: This is pretty sweet, though. Not only is this revenge for the attempted murder happiness, but I'm also convinced that you betrayed Lily to Voldemort. So this is totally awesome.

Lupin: Severus, hang on a sec, we haven't really got to the main plot twist yet—

Snape: I fucking told Dumbledore you were helping Black into the castle, I told him, but nooooo, none of his precious Gryffindors can ever do any wrong in his eyes, can they? Fucking tosser.

Black: After all these years, you're still a no-good wiener jacket.

Snape: *eye twitch*

Black: You just can't stand that she picked James over you!

Snape: *stabs his wand into Sirius's jugular* GIVE ME A REASON! GIVE ME A REASON, I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!

Lupin: Technically, he kind of just did—

Black: Not really helping here, mate!

Snape: …Nah, I think the dementors would be a much more fitting punishment, actually. Clearly they're the only creatures in existence willing to give you a Kiss anyway.

Black: That's not what your mother said last night!

Lupin: Oooohhhh snap! Yo mama fight!

Hermione: Wow, really mature, guys.

Harry: Five on Black.

Ron: You're on.

Random bell: Ding ding ding!

Black: Yo mama's so fat even Grawp said "OH HELL NO!"

Hermione: LAWL.

Ron: Hypocrite.

Hermione: You know it!

Snape: Yo mama's so ugly that when a dementor kissed her…it died.

Lupin: You know, I would not be surprised if that were true, to be honest.

Black: …Neither would I, but this is an insult contest, you're not supposed to agree with Snivellus of all people!

Lupin: My apologies, please continue.

Black: Thank you. *turns back to Snape* Yo mama's so fat the Sorting Hat sorted her into the International House of Pancakes!

Snape: Yo mama's so fat there's no Invisibility Cloak in existence big enough to cover her fat ass!

Harry: *low whistle*

Black: Yo mama's so fat Greyback had an all-you-can-eat buffet for the rest of his life!

Lupin: Dude, I'm right here. What the fuck.

Black: Oh, sorry bro.

Lupin: Eh, it's cool.

Snape: Oi, Lupin.

Lupin: Yes, Severus?

Snape: Yo mama's so ugly, she beat Bathilda Bagshot in an ugliness contest!

Harry: Aw, sick burn!

Lupin: Yeah, well…Yo mama's so fat her Patronus is a cake!

Black: You tell him, mate!

Snape: Shut it, Black, yo mama's so fat even Molly Weasley wouldn't be able to cook enough for her!

Ron: Holy shit, dude.

Black: Yo mama's so ugly Voldemort's afraid to say her name!

Snape: Yo mama is so stupid, she thought the attack on the Burrow in Film Six was actually a good idea!

Lupin: Snape wins.

Black: Damn it Moony!

Harry: *disgruntled, chucks a few galleons at Ron's head*

Ron: *grins cheekily*

Snape: Now that that's settled, I think I'll escort you to have your soul sucked out now. Kids, GTFO so he doesn't kill you and stuff.

Harry: M'kay. *points wand at Sirius*

Black: Awww, I don't wanna see my baby godson wanting to kill me. *looks away*

Harry: *points wand at Snape* Expelliarmus!

Snape: Crap muffins. Shoulda seen this coming. *flies backward, breaking the bed in the process and causing massive internal bleeding*

Ron: I am in apparent shock…that we didn't help you like we did in the book and yet he's still unconscious. Impressive job, that.

Hermione: You attacked a teacher!

Harry: And you're a freaking hypocrite, didn't you set Snape on fire in our first year?

Hermione: …That's completely different!

Ron: …No, it's really not. In fact, what you did was kind of worse, anyone can knock someone out, but it takes a really fucked up person to set someone else on fire, at least by normal society's standards.

Harry: Yeah, I really don't care what either of you think right now. We're about to get to the main plot and I wanna enjoy it.

Filmmakers: *gigglesnort* He actually thinks we're including most of that! His naïveté is blissfully adorable.

Harry: *is woefully ignorant* Tell me about Peter Pettigrew.

Lupin: He was at school with us, we thought he was our friend.

Harry: …That's all you're going to tell me?

Lupin: Apparently.

Harry: …Right then…But didn't Black blow Pettigrew up that one time?

Lupin: No he didn't, and I'm not going to explain why anyone thought he actually did, including me until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map.

Harry: The map was lying then!

Black: The map never lies.

Harry: …Wait, how the hell do you know about the map?

Black: Uh…no reason in particular…I mean, it's not like I helped MAKE it or anything ridiculous like that!

Lupin: Ridikkulus?

Black: Uh, no, Remus.

Lupin: Boggart?

Black: You REALLY need a break from this teaching gig, mate, it's messing with your head.

Lupin: OMFG TULIPS ARE SPEWING EARTHWARMS FROM NEPTUNE!

Hermione: I think you mean earthworms.

Lupin: I meant what I said!

Black: …What the bloody hell are earthwarms, then?

Lupin: They keep the earth nice and cozy when hell freezes over.

Black: …Yeah no, that still made no sense whatsoever.

Harry: Um, WE'RE STILL HERE.

Lupin: Oh yes. HI HARRY! *waves maniacally*

Harry: …O…kay…

Black: *facepalm* Aren't I the one who's supposed to be mad?

Lupin: *is a tap-dancing penguin with a pimp cane*

Ron: Huh. Are we reviewing for exams already?

Black: Okay ANYWAY! Pettigrew's alive! And he's right there!

Ron: Me?

Harry: Ron, how could you, you traitor!

Ron: No! Something's wrong, I'm not Peter Pettigrew!

Lupin: The Map's never wrong, Ron. Or should I say Peter?

Black: Not him, you idiots, his rat!

Lupin: …Right, I knew that.

Black: …Sure you did, matey-poo.

Ron: The hell'd you figure that out?

Black: That's not important! Besides, I somehow also know he's been with you for twelve years! Curiously long life for a common garden rat even if he was living with a completely magical family and maybe could've passed for a magical rat that I'm sure could live much longer even if not for the full twelve years.

Movie watchers: …What the crap is going on?

iheartmwpp: The part where Sirius pulls out that one newspaper clipping that's KIND OF FUCKING CRUCIAL TO THE ENTIRE BOOK'S EVENTS was deleted from the original script. They CANNOT excuse leaving that out, considering it's the exact reason Sirius escaped and without it we would not have had a story. Mediocre dunces.

Ron: Exactly, without it I'm really questioning how you knew Pettigrew was Scabbers.

Harry: Hang on…all they could find of Pettigrew was his…um…

Black: Ignore the Rifftrax, it was definitely his finger.

Harry: Oh, okay then. Phew…

Black: So anyway, the dirty coward cut it off so that everyone would think he was dead!

Harry: But then why did everyone think he exploded?

Black: Doesn't matter now, the point is he transformed into a rat right after.

Harry: Okay, I want real explanations and I want them now.

Alfonso Cuarón: No time! We have to move on!

iheartmwpp: Actually, we've got about eight minutes and forty-two seconds that we didn't need from the rest of the movie—

Alfonso Cuarón: Oh, we couldn't possibly fit all that in now!

Harry: And why can't we?

Alfonso Cuarón: Pretty much, what we had to do is to nail the theme that we were going to deal with, and make a [whatever he said here was incomprehensible to me because of his accent] of this theme. That pretty much was this child beginning to find his identity as a teenager.

iheartmwpp: Once again, exact quote aside from the parts I couldn't make out. Hey, you know what helps kids and teenagers find their identities? Their parents or whoever acts as their parents. Kids want to live up to them and impress them, and are very influenced by the decisions their parents or guardians made in the past. It would be especially important for an orphan who barely knows anything about his parents, I feel. Learning about James would help a great deal with Harry finding his own identity. Ergo, leaving out what a brilliant friend James was to the others was fucking stupid.

Harry: What she said. *turns to the puppies* One of you. Talk. Now.

Lupin: Okay, so you know that I'm a werewolf, the transformations are really painful and suck a lot. My friends decided to turn into animals and help me out since werewolves are only a danger to humans. Oh, and BTW, we're totally the Marauders, that's how we know about the map since we made it. I'm Moony, Peter's Wormtail, Sirius is Padfoot, and James was Prongs. And I used this Shack to transform, it was actually built 'cause of me, and Whompy was planted to hide the tunnel.

Black: Though since we didn't bother mentioning the Fidelius Charm anywhere in the film, I feel no obligation whatsoever to tell you that I suggested to James that Peter be Secret Keeper instead of me and that we stupidly didn't tell anyone, not even Dumbledore. Anyway, everyone was convinced that I blew up Peter because there was an entire street full of Muggles that also exploded so everyone just did the math. Also, that clipping Ron was flashing about earlier should've actually appeared again, since it was because of me getting a hold of that Prophet that I realized Scabbers was Peter so I had to go after the Weasleys, most of who were going to Hogwarts where Harry conveniently was so everyone thought I was after him. Dementors can't affect animals much, so I transformed into a dog and got out that way.

iheartmwpp: I just timed myself saying all that. It took one minute and nine seconds. These facts are really all you need without going into too much detail or that one time they attempted to murder Severus, since the "Vengeance is sweet" bit can be interpreted as either for that or because he's still convinced Sirius sold out Lily. Therefore, WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT?

Lupin: Hey yeah, why didn't you guys tell me about the switch?

Black: Iunno, ask JKR, that's never brought up again in the books for some reason even though you'd think it'd be important if we were to remain friends in the next two books. 'Sides, I said we didn't tell Dumbledore, why would telling you make that much of a difference?

Lupin: Because we never told Dumbledore about you guys becoming Animagi either, and I'm the only Marauder who was left out. *getting upset* It's because I'm a werewolf, isn't it?

Black: Oh for the love of Merlin's leopard print gym shorts, not this again.

Harry: Actually, that sort of makes everything make sense. I kind of need proof, though, otherwise I'll probably continue to think you're a traitor till the end of time.

iheartmwpp: The Shack is still moving. I'm drawing attention to this because it is really annoying and distracts from the actors. This is not a good thing.

Black: I can haz rat?

Ron: Hmm, let me think about—no.

Black: Oh, please?

Harry: Ron, do you want this movie to be over already or not?

Ron: Sigh, fine.

Black: *picks up Scabbers and puts him down on the piano*

Scabbers: *INSTANTLY TRIES TO RUN AWAY*

Black: Why the crap did I put him down? Also, why do we never just Stun him? Like, ever?

Lupin: And WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A PIANO IN HERE?

Black: Shit, my aim's horrible, I haven't held a wand in a dozen years.

Lupin: Guess I must've got the final shot in, then.

iheartmwpp: I just realized that this might actually be the Homorphus Charm that was mentioned last book/parody. And maybe that one guy Lockhart stole the credit from merely modified it to work on werewolves or something. Either way, that knowledge is lost forever, and I am pissed.

Pettigrew: Oh poopie.

Audience: …Ew.

Pettigrew: I suppose I could just try to transform again and get away really quickly…Or I could totally let Remus and Sirius drag me back into the room by the legs! WHEEEE!

Black and Lupin: You never were that smart.

Ron: …No. This is not happening. This is some kind of bizzaro dream that I should be waking up from any time now. There is no way this can be real. I refuse to believe that I let a fully-grown man sleep in my bed for the past three years. Oh Merlin, he's been in Percy's bed for far longer than that! And Percy was fifteen when he finally gave Scabbers to me…Dear God, let's not go there, let's really not go there, never mind that I'm fourteen and the same type of thing probably happened…

Harry: Oh no…I'm thirteen. And you're probably right.

Ron: Actually, while we're on that topic, he's probably seen all of us naked! Who cares if there's an animal around when you're changing, they're not people, it's not embarrassing! Hell, forget the Burrow, he's probably seen the lot of us in the dorms!

Harry: Oh shit!

Ron: And all the private conversations he must've listened in on! Every single thing that's been going on in the Burrow for the past twelve years, a good deal of the crap that's been going on at Hogwarts for the past seven, he's been privy to all of it!

Harry: And yet Voldemort and the Death Eaters never really use any of that information that could've been gained. Odd, that.

Ron: Oh God.

Harry: What?

Ron: I've had to clean up his shit and piss. No amount of showering will ever cleanse me of this everlasting shame.

Harry: Likewise. *shudders*

Black: Let's ignore the potentially harmful and inappropriate things Peter might've done to my baby godson and his bestest friendly-friend and get on with the threatening, shall we?

Lupin: You read my mind.

Pettigrew: Have I just been whimpering this whole time? Oh hai gais. I can haz hug that's really a cleverly hidden motion to escape?

Lupin: Actually it was kind of blatantly obvious. And no, no you can't.

Pettigrew: You always were the least fun.

Harry: I'm still feeling disgusted beyond all belief at what Ron just pointed out. Oh, and he also lead to the death of my parents, right, forgot.

iheartmwpp: …His left ring finger is missing.

Book readers: I know! It's supposed to be Wormtail's right index finger!

iheartmwpp: No. Guys. His left ring finger. Half of it is gone.

Book readers: Yeah! They can't even bother to get that much right! Disgusting!

iheartmwpp: OMFG HE'S AN ASSASSIN.

Book readers: Exactly! And…wait, what?

iheartmwpp: HARRY, GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE HE USES HIS HIDDEN BLADE ON YOU!

Parody readers: …Stop playing video games and focus on this crap.

Pettigrew: Oh hai Harry. You look so much like James, we were best friends, you know.

Lupin: I thought I was your best friend!

Black: And ignore how we're kind of just standing around in the background and watching you creep toward Harry, because right now I'm royally pissed off that you did so even though I could've stopped you at any time.

Lupin: Siriusly, why aren't we Stunning him. Or did JKR not even invent the spell till next book?

Black: Still could've used petrificus totalus. What the fuck is wrong with us.

Pettigrew: And now I'm hiding behind this handy piano. Wait, how'd this get here.

Lupin: Stop saying what we've all been thinking. Honestly, what would've been wrong with a simple table?

Black: I just noticed I have a streak of white in my hair. How long before Tim Burton steals this look for a Sweeney Todd film?

Lupin: 'Bout three years.

Ron and Hermione: You can still sort of see us back here. And we look kind of bored.

Lupin: You sold James and Lily to Voldemort, didn't you?

Pettigrew: No, no, no, no, no, yes.

Black: This is why you suck.

Pettigrew: Ah, come on, bro—

Black: Don't call me bro. I don't want to be called bro by the likes of such a backstabbing loser.

Pettigrew: Hey, in my defense, the Dark Lord may well have used the Cruciatus Curse on me. Not everyone can be Frank and Alice, you know.

Black: Why, what happened to them?

Lupin: I'll tell you later. And that’s an invalid excuse anyway, the Secret Keeper can only share the secret they are keeping willingly, therefore it’s impossible to torture it out of them and Veritaserum is also useless. Ergo, you told them of your own free will, and are a dirtbag for doing so.

Pettigrew: Again with the Cruciatus Curse! They might've tortured me till I was willing to spy for them in the first place or something!

Black: iheart, stop coming up with semi-plausible explanations that might make people sympathize with this damn rat!

Pettigrew: Meh, my hideousness far outreaches yours, no one would ever see me as a good guy.

iheartmwpp: According to the subtitles, he says "Ask yourself, Sirius!" right here. I always thought he said "Oh shut up Sirius!" and was therefore always confused. Hot doors.

Pettigrew: But yeah, what would you have done if they continuously used the most painful spell in existence on you? Or various other methods of torture for that matter?

Black: I would have died! Died rather than betray James and Lily, as they would have done for me! As we would have done for you!

Pettigrew: That's nice for you. Imma dive under the piano now.

Lupin: Siriusly, we could be using magic to stop him.

Pettigrew: Yah rly, the threats you guys are using against me are kind of useless if you never follow through ever.

Harry: I guess I'll have to physically stop him then.

Pettigrew: I'm a lot heavier than you, mate, I could probably just shove you out of the way. Instead I think I'll glomp you and beg for mercy.

Black: GET YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF HIM, YOU DAMN DIRTY RAT!

Harry: Ew, ew ew ew ew ewwwwwww.

Black: And now to actually follow through. By murdering you.

Lupin: As all of my priorities about not scarring small children for life fly out the window for the sake of revenge. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

Harry: NO!

Black: …Why?

Lupin: Harry, this steaming pile of dragon dung is—

Harry: I'm fully aware, actually, I got the gist of the plot as that's all that was included. I just think we should take him to the castle instead.

Pettigrew: You truly are the messiah! *attempts to lick Harry's shoes*

Harry: Oh God ew. Everything about you is absolutely repulsive, you know that? I don't care what kind of strange kinks Voldemort had, you won't be doing the same to me. Also when I said castle I meant dementors.

Pettigrew: Oh fuck a duck. *eats what remains of his fingers*

Audience: …Wait…Harry really, really wanted to kill Sirius earlier, so why is he sort of not really going easy on Pettigrew? To further the plot or some bullshit? 'Cause that's kind of lame.

Harry: I'll refrain from explaining my motivation until the next scene/chapter. So nyah.

~And so ends the part where the film completely lost the support of most of the book fans.~

Review or Peter will slash out your throat and stab you in the back with his Hidden Blade. Don't tempt him.


	17. Teh FUCK IS THAT THING SUPPOSED TO BE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Airplane!, the Nostalgia Critic, Suburban Commando, The Room, Splash, any of AllSolsDay or Raven Wolfmoon's lines, or Rifftrax.

~How many takes do you think there were of David Thewlis snarling and drooling while Gary Oldman hugged him awkwardly?~

Sirius: Sorry for nearly ripping your leg out of your socket. I recon that doesn't cause many happy feelings.

Ron: Really now.

Sirius: I was aiming for the one who ruined all of our lives, if it makes any difference. Normally I'm quite friendly and a great deal cuter than I am now. I blame Azkaban. Hell, Prongs used to suggest that I made a better dog than a human, bleeding wanker.

Harry: The filmmakers may have been pulling stuff out of their ass again, but this time it actually sounds plausible.

Hermione: Er, what's taking Professor Lupin so long? And are we just leaving Snape in the Shack, what the hell? Can't we Stun Pettigrew or put a Full Body Bind on him and levitate them both or something?

Sirius: Shut up and let me joke about having fleas.

Ron: I would probably find that more amusing if I weren't in AGONIZING PAIN right now.

~Jesus, how long does immobulus last anyway? The tree isn't moving at all!~

Ron: Ow.

Harry: Better take a look at that now, I s'pose.

Hermione: Yeah, it's not like Professor Lupin could've put a cast on it or anything, that'd just be silly.

Sirius: Pretty view of Hogwarts is pretty. I go to stare at the pretty.

Ron: Well? He's your godfather, join him!

Harry: But you're hurt and stuff! I know he's going to pretty much end up as the closest thing I'll have to a father, but you're my brother, and you're hurt. You're more important right now.

Hermione: Yeah, but I'm the future mother of his children. Therefore, I'll stay, you go to be with your…uncle? What're we going with here?

Harry: I'd like to say uncle if I didn't have a terrible experience with my only blood one.

Hermione: Touché.

Harry: You okay, mate?

Ron: I'm fine, ignore me playing it up for the sake of female sympathy, it's not the end of the world or in any way permanent so stop worrying.

Harry: Kay. I go talk to Sirius nowz.

Ron: Cool beans, yo.

Hermione: That kind of looks less like a bite and more like a big red gaping hole. Still looks pretty painful though.

Ron: Yep. I'll probably have to get it amputated or something.

Hermione: I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will fix it in a heartbeat. And by fix in a heartbeat I mean you'll have to walk around in a cast and lean on a crutch for the rest of the movie.

Ron: I miss book magic.

Harry: Hey.

Sirius: Hey. *looks up at an absolutely breathtaking view of Hogwarts at night* Beautiful, isn't it?

Harry: It's only a model.

Sirius: Shh! *in kind of an American-sounding accent* I'll never forget the first time I walked through those doors. *no, Siriusly, it totally sounds like an American accent* It'll be nice to do it again as a free man.

Book readers: *BAWL THEIR EYES OUT*

Movie watchers: Yes, it is a rather sweet moment, isn't it?

Book readers: OH GOD WHY.

Sirius: That was an unnaturally noble thing you did back there. Siriusly, why? If Remus and I had killed him, he might not, Iunno, escape again? Betray anyone else? Kill anyone else? Assist Voldemort in some kind of resurrection ceremony to help him return to power? Disgust anyone with his putrescence ever again? Did none of these things occur to you?

Harry: Yeah, but I don't think Dad would've wanted you and Professor Lupin to become killers.

Sirius: …We fought in a war, Harry, we probably had to take down a few Death Eaters the hard way. And Moony definitely didn't seem averse to the idea in Book Seven, now did he?

Harry: Look, if Pettigrew dies, then all we have is a body. The Ministry can pretend you were hiding it until you felt like trying to prove your innocence or something, I'm sure there are plenty of magical ways to preserve a dead corpse. This way, people will wonder why he's been in hiding all these years if he was still alive and you in Azkaban, so they'll want to ask more specific questions and might actually want to try and clear your name. I was only thinking of you.

Pettigrew: Shove a chainsaw down my gullet! Turn my toenails into flamingos! Spit fire out of your eyes and the fire turns into maggots that suck out my spine! Anything but the dementors!

Lupin: Okay, how about Padfoot and I make good on our promise to kill you, then?

Pettigrew: On second thought…RON! Haven't I been a good friend, a good pet?

Ron: GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU CREEPY PERVERT.

Pettigrew: I DID NOT GO THAT FAR. Least I hope I didn't go that far…

iheartmwpp: And I haven't the courage to check fanfiction to see if anyone else went that far.

Lupin: And I'm just standing here and letting him talk to the defenseless children. What a good role-model I am.

Pettigrew: Sweet girl, clever girl, whose name I should know since I've spied on you three for the past three years, I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, you won't let them give me to the dementors, will you?

Hermione: Yep!

Pettigrew: …Bugger.

Rifftrax: Yeah, I don't know, he was much cooler in high school.

Lupin: Now I'm telling you to get away from them. Actually just her, according to the subtitles. What, am I implying Hermione's more defenseless than Ron or something when he's the one who's injured?

Hermione: You chauvinist pig.

Pettigrew: He is a bit, yeah.

Sirius: Since I literally know nothing about you or how much you've been told or anything, I think you should know that I'm your godfather.

Harry: Yep, knew that part.

Sirius: Awesome. And…I know that it's kind of odd for a person you literally just met and who you've hated with a fiery passion of a million suns up to about five minutes ago to ask you to move in with them, but I do sort of have a house, needs a bit of fixing up but we can make do…unless you choose to stay with your aunt and uncle, who I must know hate magic with a passion, Lily did write saying how she really didn't care about one of her sister's vases so she must have lamented that they didn't get along…still, if you ever wanted a different home…

Harry: What…come and live with you?

Sirius: …It's just a thought, I can understand if you don't want to.

Harry: Surely you can't be serious!

Sirius: I am Sirius. And don't call me Shirley.

Hermione: *calls out to them while the camera's still facing them, and if you notice when she calls out she hasn't budged from her crouching position at Ron's side. YAY SLOPPY EDITING* Wait a minute, why am I calling out to Harry? I should be warning Professor Lupin or something, seeing as it affects him, what's wrong with me.

Ron: The movies are insistent on making you obsessed with Harry, remember?

Hermione: Oh, right. Anyway, my finger points.

Pettigrew: Wait, what's going on?

Moon: TIMING!

Lupin: Oh, so many layers of fuck. *eyes start to turn into what Harry's eyes always should have been, minus the redness* Well this is going well.

Sirius: How the hell are you still coherent right now?

Lupin: Fuck if I know.

Sirius: Huh. Tell me you took the potion tonight.

Lupin: Yeah, the return of my supposedly dead best friend coupled with you basically kidnapping Ron kind of distracted me a bit.

Sirius: Ah.

Book readers: …How the fuck did Sirius know about the Wolfsbane Potion? Remus said it was only a recent discovery and Sirius has been in prison for twelve years, there's no way he could have known of its existence! And furthermore, why is he even trying to placate Remus, he should know full well after so many transformations that shit don't work like that.

Sirius: Ooooh, even better! I can totally pull him into a hug and try to convince him he's still human by using some of the cheesiest dialogue imaginable!

Lupin: Are you stoned or something?

Sirius: Little bit, but that's not important right now. What is important is that this heart is where you truly live! This heart, here!

Lupin: Stop groping my chest.

Pettigrew: I can haz wand?

Lupin: No.

Pettigrew: You're no fun.

Hermione: Harry, we have to help Ron limp away if necessary!

Harry: Yeah, no crap it's gonna be necessary, do you not see what's happening here?

Sirius: This flesh is only flesh!

Lupin: The hell does that even mean?

Harry: No way, this is not going to end up being an I Know You're In There Somewhere Fight, it's just not.

Sirius: Yeah, I really don't know why I'm trying this, I know it won't work, what the hell's wrong with me.

Lupin: Do you want the short list or the long. Crap, my wand.

Pettigrew: Yoink!

Harry: Expelliarmus!

Pettigrew: Dude, what the hell?

Harry: Stay where you are!

Pettigrew: Yes, because threatening me with wands paid off so well all evening.

Harry: …Damn it, why is that the only spell I know at this point?

Pettigrew: Yeah, I'm outta here. See ya, suckers! *transforms…leaving his clothes behind for some reason. Um…why? What was the point of that? What, is he gonna be naked when he meets up with Voldemort again? Oh…Oh God, I did not need that image…blearg…*

Harry: Also would've benefit from learning accio a year early, maybe it might've actually worked for once. Eh, might as well physically go after him—

Hermione: No, Harry! You have to stay here and watch Professor Lupin transforms into something that's very likely to kill us all with us instead!

Ron: *eyeroll* She needs to sort out her priorities.

Hermione: Oh come on, how many times are we going to see something like this? This is a once in a lifetime learning experience!

Harry: Um, despite our frequent brushes with mortal peril, I kinda like living.

Ron: Not to mention that even just being bitten and becoming werewolves ourselves would probably suck.

Lupin: You have no idea.

Harry: Exactly, I don't think I need that kind of bigotry on top of everything else I have to deal with. I mean, I'm already a Parselmouth, I don't need a side of lycanthropy with that. Also I'd like to chase down the bastard who's responsible for my parents' deaths, if you don't mind.

Hermione: Shut up and watch Professor Lupin writhe in agony.

Harry: You're a freaking sadist, you know that?

Lupin: Ow nails, ow this hurts.

Sirius: Some more hugging will make you feel better, I'm sure.

Lupin: Oh yeah, it's working so well.

Sirius: Really? That's good, then—

Lupin: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, YOU BLEEDING FUCKFACE. *jacket breaks open and stilts grow out of his shoes*

Sirius: …You lot might want to flee in terror about now, I just realized that Prongs isn't here to help me hold him off and I'm not as fit as I used to be.

Dim-Witted Trio of Stupidity: Naaaaah, we'll just stand here and watch.

Lupin: And there goes the rest of my humanity for the evening. *clothes rip away completely as he completes his transformation into some kind of hairless what the fuck is that thing supposed to be*

Sirius: WHEEEEE! *gets thrown out of sight*

Hermione: Ah, so that's what male genitalia looks like.

Ron: Also looks like he's a were-Chihuahua. Suddenly I feel really bad for him, that must be really emasculating.

Harry: Okay, now that that's over and he's still hunched over like that, I think we should flee in terror while we still have the vague possibility of surviving.

Hermione: Wait, wait, I'm gonna try to placate him now.

Ron: Hermione! What the fuck! You know it's impossible to reason with, you know a werewolf could kill his best friend if he crossed his path under a full moon, Sirius just basically proved that for you, and you want to try and reason with him? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MAKE YOUR CHARACTER FUCK UP THIS BADLY. CANON HERMIONE WOULD KNOW BETTER IN THAT SHE WOULD POSSESS HALF A FUCKING BRAIN.

Hermione: Please, I can do no wrong, I'm on magical happy steroids, remember?

Ron: Wait, what?

Harry: Long and largely pointless story.

Hermione: *turns to the…Siriusly, what the fuck were they going for here?* Professor?

Moony: *whimpers pathetically and makes me wanna hug him even if he's an anorexic little whatever the fuck. What was so bad about using an actual wolf-like creature for something that's supposed to be a werewolf, honestly*

Hermione: Professor Lupin.

Moony: *instead of attacking them outright, which I think would've been funnier, he takes the time to howl at the moon, as he's a were-whatever and you need that iconic shot. HOLY CRAP HE'S ACTUALLY ON ALL FOURS FOR ONCE THIS IS AMAZING*

Ron: Yep. Magical steroids save the day once again.

Hermione: Oh shut up.

Snape: 'Bout time I showed up again. Now to punish all of you for being out of bounds with a murderer and a werewolf, out after hours, all the usual shit you lot insist on doing, but first I think I'll get Potter back for knocking be out.

Ron: Um…

Moony: *high-pitched barking, also he's standing on his hind legs again*

Snape: *turns* Oh not again. *shields kids in a vain attempt to prove to haters and non-believers that he's actually a good guy, not that they believed him till Book Seven came out but the gesture was nice*

Moony: *swats Snape with his paw and pauses to growl at them all some more. Okay, hurry up and just attack someone already, I'm bored*

Harry: 'Course he has to aim for me, how predictable.

Padfoot: Oh hells no! *tackles Moony as the kids hide behind Snape again*

Moony: Ow-face.

Padfoot: What do you think, epic doggy showdown?

Moony: Grarar.

Padfoot: I'll take that as a yes.

Moony and Padfoot: *begin to frolic happily, with Moony lovingly tearing Padfoot's throat out—wait, what?*

Snape and the Huddled Trio of Urine Running Down Their Legs: We'll just stand here and watch! It's not like we could use magic against them or anything, that'd just be silly.

Moony: *tries going for them again*

Padfoot: ARM! *noms*

Moony: Argrarawar! *somehow the arm-nomming is offensive enough that he is distracted from the humans he's basically programmed to murder in order to chase after some dog thing. Riiiiight…*

Harry: Sirius! *lets go of Ron, probably making him fall to the ground, which would've been hilarious*

Hermione: No, Harry! I'll run after you…and easily get caught by Professor Snape, after which I won't even bother pretending to struggle, what a concerned friend I am…

Ron: Honestly, at least I have the excuse of a broken leg. And I thought you were on magical steroids! What, you can lift Harry for no reason but you can't break out of someone's grasp? The fuck kind of sense does that make?

Snape: Come back here, Potter! Note that this is the only effort I'll make, as I don't feel particularly inclined to get in that blasted werewolf's path. Though I'm totally going to blame Black for this again.

Harry: Now that I'm barely away from them at all, let's see how the puppies are doing…

Moony: *is throwing Padfoot around like a rag doll. Or a stuffed animal. Or something*

Padfoot: I'm pouting.

Harry: Well this is going swimmingly. *runs towards the puppies some more*

Moony: *raises his arm as if he's about to strike Padfoot…and just kind of leaves it there for a while*

Rock: WHEEEEE!

Moony's head: Ow.

Moony: *annoyed yipping while making the cutest face ever. Siriusly, watch the movie again, it's adorable*

Harry: …Shit. Probably should've thought this through. Ah well, least I don't act like a total idiot and try to make you remember who I am, like Hermione or Sirius did. It's like they weren't perfectly aware that it wouldn't work or something.

Moony: *starts to head for Harry, inspiring not as many "Remus bites Harry" fics as you’d think*

THE FAKEST HOWL IN THE ENTIRETY OF EXISTENCE: *is heard*

Harry: …Yeah, just because were-Chihuahuas respond to the call of their own kind, which was added to the movie for the sole purpose of a scene like this, doesn't necessarily mean they'll fall for it. Hell, it probably has to be another were-Chihuahua for it to even work, so yeah…

Moony: *gets distracted for like two seconds before attempting to attack Harry once more*

THE FAKEST HOWL IN THE ENTIRETY OF EXISTENCE: *is unfortunately repeated, and is somehow much worse*

Moony: *IS SOMEHOW CONVINCED AND GOES RUNNING AFTER IT. WHAT THE FUCK*

AllSolsDay: Why does it have hair? Like, is it a werewolf toupee?

iheartmwpp: *gigglesnort*

Harry: …Well that was convenient. Anyway…

Padfoot: Hi, I'm horribly injured.

Harry: You should probably get that looked at.

Padfoot: Yeah. *falls over*

Alfonso Cuaròn: See how we make him hide amongst the plant things so we don't have to actually animate a transformation sequence? WE ARE SO CLEVER.

Audience: …What happened to McGonagall's transformation from the first film? That was decent enough, couldn't you just carry that over?

Alfonso Cuaròn: Shut up and enjoy the epicness!

Book readers: Nope, don't think we will, actually.

Sirius: Hi, I'm horribly injured.

Harry: I heard you the first time.

Sirius: Hey, a hill! Imma roll down it now—Ow, ow, bad idea, ow, trees, ow, ow, grievous injury, ooowww…

Harry: Oh crap. Should probably run after him now, I guess Moony's well distracted for the rest of the night…somehow…These are really big trees…Hey cool, a dead body! Oh…Ooohhh…Shit muffins. *runs up to Sirius* Sirius!

Sirius: I can't hear you, I'm unconscious.

Harry: Bugger. Sirius!

Water: I WAS FROZEN TODAY!

Sirius: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Dementors: Oh hai Black.

Sirius: *is instantly unconscious again*

Harry: What a week I'm having!

Dementors: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dementor #45,431: OM NOM NOM.

Sirius: Ow in the face.

Harry: Must do something to stop this, as suddenly I have an irrational fondness for this man, possibly based solely on his offer to take me away from the Dursleys. *pulls out wand* EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Patronus: *is shiny*

Dementors: Ooooooooh, shiiiiiinyyyy… *two of them bash into it and explode*

Patronus: *goes out*

Harry: Well that barely did anything.

Dementor #3,405: 'Sup, bitches?

Harry: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Dementor #3,405: NOOOOMMMMMMS!

Dementor #5,443: Hey, we're actually attacking who we're supposed to be attacking! What are the odds?

Harry: Could you not?

Dementor #455,294,258: Shut up while I eat your face.

Harry: I hate my life.

Dementors: Okay, two of us will suck out the kid's soul while one sucks out the prisoner's soul, see which soul we get to first.

Audience: Oh, it'll obviously be Harry then, he's handling two at once.

iheartmwpp: *gigglesnort*

Sirius: *wins, despite everything*

Harry: Siri…us… *said very softly, you can barely hear it and it doesn't even show up in the subtitles, remember this*

Book readers: …Is that blue thing supposed to be his soul? WTF, is that just supposed to increase the sense of urgency or something? 'Sides, it was supposed to be Harry's soul they were sucking out.

iheartmwpp: Must…work…on…actual…fanfic…plot…

Raven Wolfmoon: Harry should be like, "Oooh, bubblegum! OM NOM NOM." And then Sirius dies.

iheartmwpp: …Did you just say Harry should think that Sirius's soul is a piece of bubblegum and eat it?

Raven Wolfmoon: Yes.

iheartmwpp: *dies laughing*

Harry: *is breathing heavily, looks up to see a white light*

Prongs: This is really the only time you'll see me in these movies, aside from one blink and you'll miss it instance in Film Five.

Harry: …I must be so high right now.

Camera crew: As are we. *I say this 'cause the focus is blurry*

Prongs: I will now make the dementors explode with my explode-y powers. *makes the dementors explode with his explode-y powers*

Book readers: There's already no longer any hope of redemption, but could you have at least tried to make Prongs act like an actual Patronus?

Prongs: *slowly fades away entirely, remember this*

Sirius's soul: *descends, and somehow this makes him all better. Riiiiight…*

Harry: Duuuude…I am never letting Hagrid cook again…

Future Harry: How could I even see me? Prongs made everything so bright I could barely make myself out. All I really saw was a shadow, it makes no sense.

Harry: That's cool, Imma pass out now. *passes out now*

~ And the screen fades to black after dwelling on Harry and Sirius for hours, GET ON WITH IT.~

Review or Remus will give you his fleas.


	18. Teh HOW NOT TO BE SEEN

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, that one song thing, Monty Python, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series, Berserk Abridged, Naruto, Doctor Who, Jimmy Neutron, or Rifftrax.

~If you haven't lost all faith before, you will now.~

Hermione: *hits Harry over the head with a boomerang* Wake up, bitch.

Harry: I saw a random dark shape of someone who I'm going to assume for no explainable reason was my dad.

Hermione: …Run that by me again?

Book readers: *fume*

Harry: He — or someone who was decidedly not me, I can tell you that much — sent the dementors away. I saw him — or her, it was quite dark so who knows — across the lake.

Hermione: Listen, Harry, forget about that right now, no one really cares. The Ministry's captured Sirius. Any minute now, the dementors are gonna perform the Kiss.

Harry: *sits up immediately & puts his classes on* You mean they're gonna kill him?

Hermione: No, it's worse, much much worse. They're going to suck out his soul.

Harry: …And in what way is that supposed to resemble a kiss? I was there when they tried the first time, it wasn't anything like snogging at all, what the hell are the filmmakers playing at?

Dumbledore: *bursts into the room and bursts into song* Here I come to save the daaaaaaaay!

Hermione: Since I'm clearly the only person with any sense, I'll talk to Dumbledore first.

Harry: What a bitch.

Hermione: Headmaster, you've got to stop them! They've got the wrong man!

Harry: It's true, sir. Sirius is innocent.

Ron: It's Scabbers who did it!

Dumbledore, Harry and Hermione: You're actually in this scene?

Ron: I feel the love, guys, I really do.

Dumbledore: And who in the name of Merlin's scented tampons is Scabbers?

Ron: He's my rat, sir, and I could easily explain this by saying immediately that he's an unregistered Animagus, or I can be portrayed as more of a dumbass than I actually am by whining about how Percy got an owl so I was stuck with the traitorous rat—

Hermione: No one cares. The point is, we know the truth. Please believe us.

Dumbledore: Presumably Sirius already told me anything, so this entire scene was rather unnecessary. Anyway, I do, Miss Granger, but I'm sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards—

Ron and Hermione: We're fourteen.

Dumbledore: You're not Harry so I don't care. But yeah, no one'll believe you but me. *ambles over to Ron* And now listen as I prattle on some meaningless phrase that sounds good so I must sound as epic and wise as ever. *starts stabbing Ron's already injured leg over and over again with rusty nails*

Audience: Aww, how sweet, Dumbledore enjoys abusing children.

Ron: I miss Richard Harris.

Clock chime thing: Well this is convenient.

Dumbledore: Yar. Now I'll ramble about time.

Hermione: I think this is supposed to be my Suddenly Understanding Face, but it looks exactly like my usual Worried Face so I can't be sure.

Dumbledore: Still rambling and wasting valuable time! Do I sound wise and crap yet?

Harry: Not overly, but you do manage to produce the usual added effect of no one knowing what the hell you're talking about without you explaining it.

Hermione: Actually, I totally get it.

Dumbledore: Sweet. I say while lifting up my skirt slightly so I don't step on it. Sirius Black is in the topmost cell of that one tower in the center of the castle that will disappear entirely once this film ends, and apparently it had more than one cell to begin with, who knew.

Hermione: My Determined Face also looks the same as my Worried Face.

Harry: My Look of Uncomprehension is exactly the same as Me Staring Blankly As Per Usual.

Ron: What am I, Sir Not Appearing In This Film?

Dumbledore: Now, I cannot state this enough: You. Must. Not. Be. Seen. Got it?

Hermione: Got it.

Dumbledore: Cool, get here before this last chime or I'll rip out your esophagus and feed it to you. If you fail, Sirius will get his soul sucked out and there's always the possibility of you fucking up the entire space-time continuum, so no pressure!

Harry: …Da fuck?

Dumbledore: And save more than one life while you're at it, we can't have everyone dying yet, that's four years from now. Three turns should do it, I think. *eye twitches and makes him seem more insane than usual. No, really*

Hermione: Was the shot of us watching him walk away entirely necessary?

Dumbledore: *almost shuts the doors but turns back at the last second, slamming the doors on his hand* OW MY HAND! Gah, you have no idea how much this hurts.

Harry: I just saw my favorite professor experience pain on a level that I will hopefully never comprehend. I have no sympathy for you.

Dumbledore: Whatever, now have some pointless phrase about retracing your steps or something, because you totally wouldn't have done that if I didn't tell you to.

Harry: Okay Siriusly, stop trying to sound clever, it doesn't suit you.

Dumbledore: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! *shuts the door behind him*

Ron: And now for me to voice what the non-Book Reading section of the audience is thinking while also getting in the obligatory "Bloody hell" of the movie.

Harry: Didn't you already use it after the Snowball Fight of Utter Fail, though?

Ron: I really don't give a shit.

Hermione: Sorry Ron, but none of the filmmakers really like you all that much, as evidenced by not letting you be awesome ever again till Film Seven. Also you have a broken leg, so yeah. *pulls out chain thing and drapes it over Harry's neck as well*

Harry: Apparently I'm just going with this apart from some confused looks in Ron's direction. And why am I even trying to touch whatever this is, I wonder? I have far more important things on my mind at the moment, was I just distracted by the shiny?

Hermione: Nah, it's for the sake of me swatting your hand away in an admittedly funny instance of comic relief and nothing more. *swats Harry's hand away in an admittedly funny instance of comic relief and nothing more* Honestly though, I would've thought you knew that we mustn't touch what isn't ours.

Harry: Great, now you're stealing lines from Snape? Does your depravity know no bounds?

Hermione: Okay, why is everyone so determined to hate me in these parodies? iheart actually likes me!

Harry: The combined efforts of Steve Kloves and Emma Watson are making it very difficult for her to like this portrayal of you, however.

Hermione: Whatever, we're just gonna move on now. *winds back Time Turner three times*

Ron: Oh don't mind me, I'll just sit the entire rest of the movie out, shall I?

Hermione: Kayz.

Ron: I hate everything.

Rifftrax: Look at those nails! Mudblood!

Time Turner sequence: *starts, and slowing this down I see Snape, McGonagall, and Filch crowding around Ron's bed with Dumbledore, presumably asking him what happened. So Dumbledore has absolutely no excuse for not knowing about Scabbers in the first place. And before even bothering to look at Ron, Madam Pomfrey was treating Hermione in a chair, and then Ron was brought in. Oh yeah, ignore the guy with the most severe injury, Hermione's wrist was hurt! That's so much more important! Also, while Hermione was getting fixed up, someone was talking to Harry WHO WAS CLEARLY CONSCIOUS. Siriusly, someone helped him into bed and he talked with them for a minute. And then you get that guy who was wrapped up like a mummy or something. I couldn't get a close look at whoever it was, but I wanna take a wild stab in the dark and say it was Goyle, because then we'd have an in-universe excuse for why he was out of the film for so long. Either way, I wanna have the rest of the movie be about that guy, not these assclowns. Oh and Filch was still hanging around for some reason and seemed to come in right after Harry and Hermione leave in a couple of seconds, that was really cutting it close. I kinda also want to see what would happen if they had just dropped in and he was still there, that would've been hilarious*

Hermione: Alrighty then. *takes Time Turner off Harry and sticks it back down her bra*

Harry: …What am I on right now.

Hermione: Good thing I can read clocks backwards. Apparently it's 7:30, which makes no sense as that would make us have left at 10:30, and the clock still shouldn't have been ringing. And the clock's still ringing for some reason, or does it still ring at half-hour marks? I am confused. But yeah, where were we at 7:30?

Harry: …Iunno, Hagrid's?

Hermione: Care to join me in a light jog? And remember, we can't be seen.

Harry: …Wha…huh? *follows anyway*

Camera: *goes through the clock at a rather fast pace to where you can look down into the courtyard and see that Harry and Hermione somehow managed to go all the way down several flights of stairs in an extremely short amount of time. Guess McGonagall taught a class in Brisk Walking*

Past McNair: *IS STILL SHARPENING HIS AXE* …Hey, didn't you two just come down here with some ginger kid?

Hermione: Welp, so much for not being seen. Eh, I don't care. *lightly jogs down the bridge thing, Harry right behind her*

Harry: Hermione, wait! Hermione, it just occurred to me to ask you what the fuck is going on, and since I was raised to never ask questions this is kind of a big step for me, so you mind indulging me?

Hermione: How did they not hear you yelling at me, I wonder? *stops abruptly at the end of the bridge*

Past Malfoy: Cool, you come to watch too? It's a pretty decent view from up here—

Past Hermione: I WILL TEAR YOUR INTESTINES OUT AND FEED THEM TO CROOKSHANKS. *points wand at him*

Harry: But…That's us…As I practically lean on you…

Past Ron: Hermione, no! He's not worth it!

Past Harry: Wow, how OOC are you? I mean, normally we'd do the exact same thing, why is Hermione acting out for once such a bad thing?

Harry: This is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my life.

Hermione: *grabs Harry and forcibly slams him into the wall of the bridge, cracking his skull, and pulls out the Time Turner*

iheartmwpp: Aaaaaand suddenly the chain's shorter.

Hermione: This is a Time Turner, Harry, I say with no effort whatsoever to keep my voice down. McGonagall gave it to me at the beginning of the film. This is how I've been getting to my classes all year.

Harry: …You mean we've gone back in time?

Hermione: *puts the Time Turner back in her bra again* Yeppers!

Harry: …And yet you don't believe people can see the future. I will never understand you.

Hermione: Shut your face. Dumbledore wanted us to go back this far for some reason, can't imagine why. *looks out at their past selves* Did I really just stand there threatening Malfoy that entire time? Seems longer than I remember…

Past Harry, Ron, Crabbe and Nott: We'll just stand here and watch!

Past Hermione: Okay, I won't do anything.

Past Malfoy: Sweet—

Past Hermione: Not! FALCON…PAWNCH!

Past Malfoy: *clutches nose with both hands* I'm bleeding!

Harry: LOL.

Hermione: IKR. Shit, Malfoy's coming!

Past Crabbe: What the hell, I'm actually showing concern!

Past Malfoy: RUN AWAY! *they run away*

Harry and Hermione: *slip through a tiny window thing so they're outside the bridge*

Past Malfoy: No one must ever know that I got punched by a girl. Gender roles are still very much in place, after all.

Past Crabbe and Nott: Kayz.

iheartmwpp: Damn it, why can't Goyle be here? 'Cause I'd totally have him say, "Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!" But I can't, so I'm sad.

Past Hermione: That felt good. Been meaning to do that for years.

Past Ron: Not good, brilliant!

Past Harry: Dude, what the hell, pick a side and stick to it! You're sending the young, impressionable children mixed messages!

Past Hermione: Yep, and one of those messages is that girls can totally punch boys in the face and get away with it! What a lovely message that won't ever be harmful to anyone or isn't abusive in any way!

Past Harry: I have a new line! We should be at Hagrid's. Yay, that was totally worth it. *Past Trio of God This Is Annoying leaves*

Harry: How soon before this repetitiveness of three chapters ago gets obscenely irritating?

Hermione: I'd say it already has. Here, look at my butt for a while.

Harry: And we wonder where H/Hr shippers get their evidence from.

Hermione: Tee hee, I'm sneaky, like a ninja.

Harry: …You're wearing bright pink. That's almost as bad as neon orange.

Hermione: Shaddup. *they peek around the Stonehenge ripoff*

Harry: Hey, Buckbeak's not dead yet! Aww, we don't have to watch him die again, do we?

Hermione: Of course, I say lifelessly. And I quote Dumbledore again word for word, how the crap do I do it on the first try every time. But yeah, we're supposed to save Buckbeak too and stuff.

Harry: Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about. I get that young girls need someone to look up to in order to feel like they can accomplish something in a world that is still highly patriarchal. However, young boys need someone to look up to as well, or we'll have a complete role reversal where they'll start to feel inferior to women. If we're ever going to have any semblance of equality between the sexes, it'd be nice if a female role model could let a male role model have at least one good idea on occasion. Like I did in the book. Meaning you stole my lines again. You bitch.

Hermione: Yeah, yeah, let's just move on already.

Harry and Hermione: Us running to different destinations for the next five hours will never get old!

Hermione: Quick, let us hide behind these massive pumpkins that have no business being this big in June yet again!

iheartmwpp: God this is annoying.

Past Hagrid: Also Dumbledore is still slightly awesome fer comin' down ter be with me fer when my beloved pet gets executed. Should be fun.

Past Dumbledore, Fudge, and McNair: *are walking down the step thingies…OMINOUSLY*

Harry: Right, let's do this shit.

Hermione: You really can't be that stupid. If Buckbeak's gone when Fudge gets here, he'll blame Hagrid.

Harry: Oh great. Now everything's twice as impossible.

Past Ron: Scabbers! My beloved pet whom I've always adored and cherished, especially this year! You're actually still alive!

Past Hagrid: Why're we still tryin' ter suggest tha' Ron isn't responsible with his pets?

Past Scabbers: Damn it! I knew I should've headed off to Albania when I had the chance!

Harry: Hey cool, it's the guy who utterly destroyed my life!

Hermione: Don't even think about it.

Harry: And why the fuck not? Pettigrew is the reason my parents are dead and why I grew up not knowing Sirius or anyone. You cannot realistically expect me to just sit here and do nothing while that fucking bastard escapes again!

Hermione: Yes I can, and I will. Now let's hide behind a different pumpkin.

Harry: …Not sure why, but okay.

Hermione: Now look. I get that he fucked up your life horrendously and nothing will ever undo that. But you're in Hagrid's hut now. If your past self sees you bursting in, he'll think he's gone insane and possibly try to kill you or something. Awful things happen to people who meddle with time, Harry.

Harry: You clearly haven't seen too much Sci-Fi, have you.

Tenth Doctor: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect but actually, from a non-liner, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly…timey wimey…stuff.

Harry: Yeah, what he said.

Hermione: Whatever, the point is that we cannot be seen.

Harry: We already were seen, though. By McNair. Doesn't that pretty much negate everything?

Hermione: Nope!

Harry: …This makes no sense.

Past Dumbledore: Remember this footpath, Minister?

Past Fudge: …No not really, no. Did you just install it this year?

Past Dumbledore: …Sure, go with that.

Hermione: The Asshole Brigade is coming. But we aren't leaving.

Past Hermione: Considering we never reconciled like we did in the book, I think this means you owe someone an apology.

Hermione: Why aren't we leaving? And I do not remember being quiet for so long after Hagrid brought out Pettigrew.

iheartmwpp: Time seems to conveniently slow down while Harry and Hermione talk.

Past Hermione: I meant me!

Hermione: Ooooh, a pretty rock. Imma pick it up and stare at it.

Past Fudge: iheart would comment on whatever I'm rambling about if she gave a flying fuck.

Hermione: Chuck.

Past-ish Rock: SMASH.

iheartmwpp: And this time the whole vase is broken. YAY CONTINUITY!

Harry: The fuck are you doing? And I seem to remember something different happening, that's weird…

Hermione: I like committing vandalism and hurting people, it's fun! Chuck.

Past Harry: OH GOD THE AGONY. I think that cracked my skull…

Harry: …Dude, that really did crack my skull.

Hermione: I regret nothing.

Past Dumbledore: And why do I now have a walking stick?

Harry: Let's watch these guys slowly meander up to Hagrid's door, shall we?

Hermione: You read my mind.

Past Dumbledore: Using actual hands to knock is for pussies. Instead I'll attempt to break the door down with my walking stick of DOOM.

Past Door: Knock knock.

Past Hagrid: I'm openin' the door before the Really Slow Trio of Should Be Runnin' Away Now has a chance ter escape! Tha' makes perfect sense!

Past Hermione: Yay, I get the camera to myself again!

Past Hagrid: Come on in, y'all.

Past Fudge: Awesome, party in the house! *starts raising the roof*

Past Hagrid: …Never speak again.

Hermione: Shit, I never expected us to actually repeat our actions from three hours ago! Run away!

Harry: M'kay.

Past Freaked Out Trio of Running Away: How the fuck are these pumpkins this huge and ripe and stuff in June?!

Hermione: I have a rather girly run, as is stereotypical.

Past Trio of the Non-Present: We're hiding behind pumpkins!

Future Harry and Hermione: We're hiding behind trees!

Hermione: Hang on, I've just seen something so shocking that I must lean forward slightly, speak aloud when we're clearly within earshot, and potentially give away myself and break the ultimate rule of not being seen.

Harry: You're kidding. What could possibly be so important that you'd risk everything like that?

Hermione: Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?

Harry: …Wut.

iheartmwpp: I fucking hate this movie.

Book readers: I'm curious, IS THERE A MORE OOC THING HERMIONE COULD HAVE SAID?!

Harry: Siriusly. Siriusly. That's what had you so utterly bewildered that you'd risk us being completely unable to save both Buckbeak and Sirius's lives. And to think that your character was supposed to break all of the female stereotypes of looks not being all that important and putting brains before beauty. I honestly don't think I know you anymore. The Hermione I considered my sister would never stoop to being this shallow.

Hermione: I'd respond to that, but apparently I just snapped a branch somehow despite the one I'm holding clearly not moving at all. Maybe I nudged it with my foot or something, Iunno. Must hide!

Past Hermione: *whips around, staring into the forest*

Past Harry: What?

Past Hermione: I thought I just saw/heard something that completely goes against pretty much everything my character ever was and ever will be, turning the film version of me into an even worse portrayal of my character than Michael Gambon's version of Dumbledore and proving that Steve Kloves doesn't love me as much as he says he does…Naaah, couldn't have been.

Past Ron: Let's go! *voice is slightly higher, he talks a bit faster, and the tone is more urgent*

Past Fudge: I have a rather odd reading voice.

iheartmwpp: I love how most of this chapter is copying and pasting crap from three chapters ago, means less work for me to do.

Past Harry: And I'm not even gonna take one last look at Buckbeak this time. The continuity of this film is ever so consistent.

Long Ago Trio of Bygones: *flee*

Harry and Hermione: Oh great, more hiding behind pumpkins. I'm sure no one will ever get bored of us hiding behind things.

Past Dumbledore: I believe we've established that the Minister is in the building.

Hermione: Okay, go, Harry, go!

Harry: Why do I have to do it?

Hermione: I could argue that you're really the only one with any experience in dealing with hippogriffs, but I think it's more likely that it's because you have a scrotum.

Harry: Sadly, you're probably right. Now for me to rather conspicuously creep over to the birdy with a look on my face that Siriusly suggests that I may have a mental disability.

Hermione: Good for you.

Harry: WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE FUCKING CROWS, THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE!

Buckbeak: Wait a minute, didn't you just leave me to die? What happened to not being seen?

Harry: Wait, how the hell'd you even know about that?

Buckbeak: Um, magic?

Harry: …Whatever, look, I really don't care anymore, so it'd be really great if I could have just one thing go right today. Think you can help me out?

Buckbeak: Fine, but only if you bow before my awesome might.

Harry: Kayz. *bows*

Buckbeak: HA! I can't believe you actually fell for that! Ha ha, aaahhhh, that made my day. Imma go back to sleep nowz.

Harry: Oh come on! I'm trying to save your ass! You can at least pretend to cooperate!

Buckbeak: I can't hear you, I'm sleeping.

Harry: Fuck this. *grabs chain after getting his fingers eaten by a crow. Why are they there again?*

Past Fudge: *opens door*

Past Dumbledore: *IS OBVIOUSLY AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE VERY OPEN WINDOW THAT EVERYONE REFUSES TO LOOK OUT OF* Erm, I'm kind of a witness, so shouldn't I sign and stuff?

Past Fudge: I hate procedure, why can't we just kill everything?

Past Dumbledore: It's amazing you didn't get more votes.

Harry: *starts yanking Buckbeak's chain, to no avail* Damn it. Hermione, a little help?

Hermione: Keep trying!

Harry: …So glad to see an effort being made on your part, mate, especially considering that you're right friggin' next to me and can grab the chain at any time.

Hermione: Glad to help!

Harry: I really need to expand my circle of friends. *yanks on chain some more*

Buckbeak: OW! Dude, you're strangling me! Great work you're doing with the rescuing, superb, really.

Harry: Well I wouldn't be strangling you if you would just cooperate already!

Buckbeak: Wow I don't care.

Hermione: *wanders off somewhere*

Past Fudge: Okay, sign here, right where it says "Sign Here." Your name only, no one knows what all those titles mean anyway.

Past Dumbledore: What, do you want all three middle names as well? I'm not entirely sure all those'll fit on the line.

Past Fudge: I honestly don't give a shit.

Harry: We are so totally fucked if we don't get out of here, you got that?

Buckbeak: OH MY GOD WOULD YOU JUST LET ME SLEEP—Food?

Hermione: *is holding a dead ferret. Whether they're trying to foreshadow Draco Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing Ferret is anyone's guess* You want noms?

Buckbeak: Hells yeah I want noms!

Hermione: Then come and get the noms!

Buckbeak: GIVE ME NOMS!

Harry: Yeah, you go ahead and give him noms, Imma fall over now.

Buckbeak: OM NOM NOM.

Harry and Hermione: *use the dead Malfoy impersonators to lure Buckbeak away*

Past Dumbledore: As I lead the way out of the hut, I must point out this rather lovely distraction over yonder.

Harry and Hermione: *immediately stop what they're doing like a couple of dumbasses*

Buckbeak: Yeah, you two are morons. *snags another ferret*

Past Dumbledore: Professor Dippet set up whatever I'm pointing at when he was headmaster.

Past Fudge: I don't remember any of this landscape being where it is now.

Past Dumbledore: STAND IN AWE OF THE STRAWBERRIES!

Past McNair: M'kay.

Movie watchers: Wow, how dumb is Fudge and this executioner dude?

Book readers: Uncool, Dumbledore was way more subtle in the books! Although Fudge is that much of an idiot, but still…

Hermione: Right, let's keep moving already.

Buckbeak: Fine, I don't know why I have to put up with this though—

Harry: Those guys are trying to kill you!

Buckbeak: …Oh.

Harry: Yeah.

Buckbeak: …Well this is rather embarrassing.

Harry: That's nice, can we move now?

Buckbeak: Yes, yes, I'm sorry, I—

Harry: Don't care, now come on.

Buckbeak: Kayz.

Past Fudge: Can we get on with this? I demand blood!

Past Dumbledore: Cool beans, yo.

Past Fudge, McNair, and Hagrid: *FINALLY TURN AROUND. SIRIUSLY, IS DUMBLEDORE THE ONLY ONE WITH A PAIR OF EYES, HONESTLY*

Past Fudge: Where'd the birdy go?

Past McNair: Damn it, I wanted to kill things!

Past Fudge: I saw it right there, it was chained up and everything!

Past Dumbledore: I know, weird, right?

Past Hagrid: Despite the fact tha' I was facin' the window, I'm also in awe of what jus' happened!

Harry and Hermione: We're hiding behind trees again!

Buckbeak: Hey, thanks for saving me—hey! You still have more noms!

Hermione: Yeah, you can have them later, right now we're watching crap.

Past Fudge: I blame the half-breed based solely on the fact that he's a half-breed despite me not actually knowing that he's a half-breed.

Past Dumbledore: Yeah, he kind of has an alibi. Which is you. FYI.

Past Hagrid: I'm clearly overjoyed. Look at how overjoyed this situation makes me.

McNair: There's a crow on my axe.

Past Fudge: …We hafta search for him, he could've got into the forest or something.

Past Dumbledore: He has wings, you dumb fuck. Anyway, I'm bored and I never cared to begin with. Come on Hagrid, let's get wasted.

Past Hagrid: Yeh read my mind!

Past Dumbledore: *looks directly at the camera* Oh, book readers, your services are no longer required. Thank you.

Book readers: Noted. Call us when you actually give a damn about the plot again.

Past Fudge: There's a crow on my hat.

Past Hagrid: Everythin' in my hut's big. Everythin'.

Past Dumbledore: TMI, dude. TMI.

Past McNair: *raises axe*

Past Audience: GET ON WITH IT.

Past Giant-ass axe of DOOM!: Slice.

Past Crows: WHEEEEEEEEE!

~Poor guy, can't go two seconds without chopping up something into miniscule bits. The fact that he's a Death Eater is, quite frankly, absurdly terrifying.~

Rifftrax: So should we get to killing Hitler now? Seems like something we should do before we have to give the time machine back.

Harry and Hermione: We're still running!

Buckbeak: GIVE ME MORE NOMS!

Hermione: I will if you keep following us!

Buckbeak: Quit leading me on!

Hermione: Okay, fine, have the rest!

Buckbeak: THANK YOU.

Harry: Apparently I've forgotten the rest of the plan.

Hermione: We save your godfather who's instantaneously become the closest thing you have to any kind of parent despite you bonding with Professor Lupin all year?

Harry: Hey, the guy volunteered to adopt me, Lupin never gave me a straight answer one way or the other. Anyway, despite us having just rescued something rather large with wings, I'm rather clueless as to how we're going to go about doing that.

Hermione: Evidently, so am I.

Buckbeak: *burps*

Hermione: Nice rip, Ralph!

Buckbeak: Why thank you.

Hermione: Yay, a hill! Let's look behind some trees again!

Harry: GOD I AM SO FUCKING BORED.

Hermione: Look, it's Lupin!

Past Lupin: Um, hey, Whompy—

Past Whomping Willow: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I've waited for you to at least come visit for the past sixteen years, where were you?

Past Lupin: …Actually, where was I for the past twelve? But I'm really sorry I didn't come down to visit you this year, it's just…too many memories…

Past Whomping Willow: I don't understand. And where's Prongs, haven't seen him around either!

Past Lupin: That's just it…he's…gone…

Past Whomping Willow: …What? You're joking!

Past Lupin: You know me better than that, I wouldn't joke about something like this!

Past Whomping Willow: You're right, I know, it's just…wow, Prongs dead…and you never thought to tell me?

Past Lupin: I didn't know how to break it to you.

Past Whomping Willow: For twelve freaking years?

Past Lupin: Hey, until about five minutes ago I thought that Wormtail was dead, too, and that Padfoot was responsible for both of their deaths! Excuse me if I didn't want to talk about it!

Past Whomping Willow: Okay, okay sheesh…Oh, speaking of, Padfoot, Wormtail, and some kid claiming to be Prongs's son already went down to the Shack.

Past Lupin: I know, I saw it on the Map. Oh, and Harry really is Prongs's son.

Past Whomping Willow: Pfft. That pansy?

Past Lupin: He was raised in a cupboard. I somehow know for the sole purpose of telling you.

Past Whomping Willow: …Well my night just keeps getting better.

Past Lupin: Tell me about it. So…can I head down now?

Past Whomping Willow: Only if you freeze me in a completely non-canonical way and mispronounce the spell to do it if Hermione was anything to go by last film.

Past Lupin: Cheers.

Hermione: And Snape's coming.

Past Whomping Willow: Erg. You again?

Past Snape: Believe me, I'm not enjoying this any more than you are.

Past Whomping Willow: Somehow I doubt that. You're lucky Moony already froze me or I'd chuck you to the other side of the castle…

Past Snape: Whatever.

Harry: And now we have to wait another week for the story to update?

Hermione: And now we have to wait another week for the story to update.

Harry and Hermione: *sit rather close together, encouraging H/Hr fans once again. HOORAY!*

~The next chapter will be just as enjoyable, I can tell. GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.~

Review or Buckbeak will eat all your noms.


	19. Teh HUZZAH, MORE POINTLESSNESS!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Book of Mormon, The Da Vinci Code, The Princess Bride (RIP Peter Falk), Finding Nemo, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, the Nostalgia Critic, Raven Wolfmoon, cutietrp, or Rifftrax.

~THE EXCITEMENT NEVER ENDS. Kill me now.~

Buckbeak: This is bat country! *noms*

Harry: Wonder if these are real bats or CGI.

Hermione: Hell if I know.

Buckbeak: *is still nomming*

Hermione: Least someone's enjoying himself. *rubs Harry's thigh* What a beautiful blue screen we have tonight.

Harry: Wha…This didn't happen in either version, what the hell are you doing?

Hermione: Might as well have happened, we're sitting close enough together.

Harry: Dude, no. This is non-canon enough as it is. Go fondle Ron when we get back, this is akin to incest. And that goes for the rest of the movies as well!

Steve Kloves and David Yates: *gigglesnort*

iheartmwpp: *bursts into song* Haaaaasa Diga Ebowaaaaaaaaaiiiiii!/Haaaaaaasa Diga Ebowaaaaaaaaiiiii!

Harry: …Hermione.

Hermione: Yay, reconsidered, have you?

Harry: Hells no. But…down by the lake, when I was with Sirius—

Hermione: Oooooh. *fangirl giggle*

Harry: Oh for the love of Merlin's chest hair, can we stop insinuating crap already? Anyway, I definitely saw something make the dementors go away.

Hermione: With a Patronus.

Harry: No shit, what d'you think Lupin's been teaching me this entire year?

Hermione: Well I got the information because I heard Snape tell Dumbledore.

Harry: Really. Funnily enough, I got the information because I was fucking there.

Hermione: That's nice. But yeah, Snape said only a really powerful wizard could've done something like that.

Harry: It was a shadow, which kind of resembled a human, so I immediately thought of my dad. Which makes me lawl, since Snape basically just complimented the guy he hates most in the world.

Hermione: ….Uh-huh…

Harry: So I'm pretty sure it was my dad, I know he's been dead for the past twelve years, but then again so was Pettigrew, so it could happen!

Hermione: …Yeah, you're full of crap and are just pulling it out of your ass. The audience saw nothing, therefore there is no reason to believe this is anything more than wishful thinking.

Harry: BITCH I CUT YOU!

Rifftrax: I saw my dead father casting a magic spell. Why is that so hard for you to believe.

Hermione: Here we come.

Harry: Looks like we've been out there for a while, actually.

Hermione: Yeah, that's odd. It's like time's conveniently speeding up and slowing down whenever we have to talk about something.

Harry: So yeah, see me talking with Sirius? He's gonna adopt me and we'll live happily ever after with lots of happiness and bunnies and rainbows and unicorns and it will be perfect and nothing will be able to stop us from being happy and neither of us is ever gonna die ever and even though I've been practically begging Remus to adopt me all year I'm conveniently gonna forget about him until Sirius is no longer in the picture.

Hermione: …Harry? You just met the guy. Like, literally just met him two hours ago.

Harry: Your point?

Hermione: My point is that I'm appalled that none of us realized how bad your home life was if you're so willing to be adopted by a complete stranger.

Harry: Indeed. And we can live in the country—

Hermione: One would hope you wouldn't leave Britain, yes.

Harry: I meant where there's grass and crap.

Hermione: Why would you want there to be crap?

Harry: STOP CRUSHING ALL OF MY DREAMS. And we'll be able to look at the sky and it'll be pretty and Sirius will have no mental scars from his dozen-year-long time in Azkaban or anything, it's gonna be totally awesome!

Hermione: The moon just came out.

Harry: Oh fuck a duck.

iheartmwpp: And now time is conveniently sped up, the were-Chihuahua transformation seems much quicker this time.

Harry: Odd, I remember Moony howling after he'd already completely transformed, not before Sirius told us to run.

Hermione: And I don't actually remember screaming at all, least not at this point.

Harry: Let's go.

Hermione: …Why? We could just stay here with Buckbeak and wait for this to pass, we don't have to get involved.

Harry: Iunno, just do it. Huh, wonder if these plants are real or if they're just CGI.

Hermione: Stop talking.

Past Harry: Well this is going swimmingly. *runs towards the puppies some more*

Past Moony: *raises his arm as if he's about to strike Padfoot…and just kind of leaves it there for a while*

Past Rock:WHEEEEE!

Past Moony's head: Ow.

Past Moony: *annoyed yipping while making the cutest face ever. Siriusly, watch the movie again, it's adorable*

Past Harry: …Shit. Probably should've thought this through. Ah well, least I don't act like a total idiot and try to make you remember who I am, like Hermione or Sirius did. It's like they weren't perfectly aware that it wouldn't work or anything.

Past Moony: *starts to head for Harry, inspiring quite a few "Remus bites Harry" fics…that discontinue after only a few chapters and very few of those were any good to begin with. You'd think there'd be more of them, but what do I know*

iheartmwpp: Y'all annoyed again yet?

Hermione: AWOOOOOOOOOOO!

Harry: …The fuck was that supposed to be?

Hermione: Werewolf howl.

Harry: …Keep telling yourself that.

Hermione: Look, I'm trying to save your ungrateful ass! AWOOOOOOOOOOO!

Harry: *singsong voice* It's not going to wo-ooooork!

Audience: FAKEST. HOWLS. EVER.

Past Moony: *IS SOMEHOW CONVINCED AND GOES RUNNING AFTER IT. WHAT THE FUCK*

Harry: …Huh. Hey cool, we're totally about to get eaten!

Hermione: Yeah, didn't think about that. Finally, non-canon proof that I'm indeed worthy to be a Gryffindor!

Past Moony: ARGRAALAFLAGAR!

Harry and Hermione: We're just standing here like a couple of dumbasses!

Hermione: Shall we run for our lives?

Harry: Oh yes, let's.

Harry and Hermione: WHEEEEEEEEE!

iheartmwpp: *ignoring everything and reading something entirely different* HA! Langdon wears a Mickey Mouse watch? My respect for him just skyrocketed!

Parody readers: Ahem.

iheartmwpp: *looks up from The Da Vinci Code* …What? It's just a chase scene, nothing really interesting happens. *turns back to book* Hey, there's a Harry Potter joke in here! How the crap did I not read this earlier?

Harry: Trip.

Hermione: You suck at life.

Harry: Fully aware, thanks.

Hermione: Come, let us hold hands whilst we flee.

Harry: Sure, fine, whatever, let's hide behind that tree or something, I'm pretty sure were-Chihuahuas operate the same way as basilisks and don't need to smell us out or anything.

Hermione: Of course it'll be able to smell us out, that'd just be stupid if it didn't.

Harry: He, Moony's a he.

Harry and Hermione: *hide behind a tree thing, with Harry looking directly at Hermione's chest*

Hermione: If we survive I'm so slapping you for this. *drags Harry around other side of tree*

Moony: Gurgle growl.

Raven Wolfmoon: Awww, he made a little gurgle growl.

Moony: *what's with the fake-sounding howls, Siriusly*

Hermione: Seeing as we appear to be perfectly safe here, let's move away from the Tree of Safety and back up slowly, aiming for the oldest trick in the book of the monster being directly behind us.

Harry: Sounds good to me, but don't call Moony a monster!

Hermione: I'll call him a monster when he's trying to eat us, I know the rest of the time he's human or I'd've reported him as soon as I found out.

Harry: Okay, guess I can live with that.

Moony: Haaaaaai.

Hermione: MERLIN'S HAIRY NIPPLES, I NEVER EXPECTED THAT TO HAPPEN!

iheartmwpp: …Did I use that expletive before? I forget.

Moony: I shall call them squishy, and they shall be mine, and they shall be my squishy were-Chihuahuas, assuming I don't completely devour them or anything. Why am I suddenly able to talk.

Harry: Crap muffins. *shields Hermione with his body, creating all of the promo posters for the movie and confusing the crap out of book readers before they saw it; I think I rationalized it as them cowering in front of dementors or something, as that actually happened in the book, but clearly I should just stop trying* Here, Hermione, be comforted by my manly chest.

Hermione: Um, Harry? Were-Chihuahua? Right over there? HELLO?

Harry: ADMIRE MY PECS! ADMIRE THEM!

Hermione: You just told me to stop flirting with you, what the fuck are you doing?

Harry: I don't even care anymore.

Moony: Rawrg. I are fierce.

iheartmwpp: So apparently one of the special effects groups for Harry Potter also work on Doctor Who. For some completely unexplainable reason, they weren't very happy with the werewolf design in Film Three. Can't imagine why, really. So they felt that the episode Tooth and Claw from Season Two was their shot at getting it right. It looks a bit faker, but it looks so much like a fucking werewolf should actually look like that I really don't give a shit. Honestly, I still don't get what they were going for here.

cutietrp: Isn't it obvious? He's a hairless monkey that's slowly going bald! Either that or some type of mutant Rodent of Unusual Size or something...

iheartmwpp: OMFG PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCE I LOVE YOU FIVE-EVER.

Buckbeak: *is a Deus Ex Machina*

Moony: My humans!

Buckbeak: No, my humans. Slice.

Moony: AAAAH! MY FACE! MY HIDEOUS, HIDEOUS FACE!

Buckbeak: No argument there. Now scram, bitch.

Harry and Hermione's silhouettes: *kind of look like they're making out. FEED THE SHIPPERS. FEED THEM*

Moony: You hurted my feelingses! *runs off whimpering*

Buckbeak: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! I HAVE THE POWER!

Hermione: *leans against Harry* That was so unnecessary.

Harry: Poor Professor Lupin's having a really tough night.

Canned laughter: *is heard*

Twigs: *run into Harry's pants, indicating wind*

Dementors: Hi, we're flying capes of death, swooping over the treetops and somehow ignoring the two puny mortals directly below us even though one of them is the ONE GUY we've been targeting all movie. That makes perfect sense!

Harry: Sirius! And kind of me! I is worried, we must run some more!

Hermione: Oh joy. I can't wait. Hey, why are we still holding hands?

Harry: I have no idea.

Past Dementor # 5,443: Hey, we're actually attacking who we're supposed to be attacking! What are the odds?

Past Harry: Could you not?

Past Dementor # 455,294,258: Shut up while I eat your face.

Past Harry: I hate my life.

Hermione: Well this sucks.

Harry: Don't worry, the shadow that I'm somehow convinced is my father will be showing up any second now.

Rifftrax: And then he'll win the Super Bowl, and kill some terrorists, and then he'll love me.

Hermione: And how do you propose he's going to do that? What, d'you think he'll just open a time portal and be like "HI HARRY" and then be like "BYE HARRY" and leave again or something?

Harry: No, but that would be FUCKING AMAZING if that were to happen.

Hermione: …Yeah, those things look like they're really doing some Sirius damage.

Harry: HE WILL BE HERE, DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC.

Past Harry: Sirius. *whispers loud enough so they can hear him across the lake, because that's totally possible*

Hermione: Hang on…Is that bubblegum?

Harry: No, that's actually Sirius's soul. But don't worry about it, I almost made that mistake myself.

Hermione: But if you were to consume it, would you be Sirius' horcrux or something?

Harry: Of course not, it would dissolve in my stomach acid. Unless of course it fused to my own soul or something. But I don't think it would work if I ate the whole thing, maybe if I bit it in half and stuck the other half back in Sirius or something.

Hermione: Um, you two are kind of dying right now.

Audience: No, they won't, you just said it was worse than them dying. Honestly, remember what you said five minutes ago.

Book readers: Also way to basically foreshadow Books Five and Seven.

Harry: Well you're the one who brought up the bubblegum.

Hermione: Good point. Hey, do you think you could blow Soul Bubbles with it?

Harry: …You keep thinking about that. EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Prongs: And now for some reason this time you barely see my head a couple of times and I'm just a massive burst of light that continuously shines out. I will never be corporeal again except for that one time in Film Five where the camera's upside down. Hurrah-face.

Hermione: I'll just stand here and watch!

Past Harry: *passes out before the Patronus dims instead of after*

Harry: Apparently that took a shit ton of effort. *pants heavily*

~And then they spontaneously remembered that Buckbeak has wings.~

Hermione: Huh, despite all the blatant H/Hr shipping the past two chapters or so, I now appear to be disgusted with the thought of having to hold onto Harry's waist. No, Siriusly, look at my face, I look like I want to vomit. Could be my fear of flying, but then I'd look more "terrified" and less "OMFG ew."

Harry: You were right, Hermione! The shadow that no one could possibly make out was actually me! And I knew I could conjure a corporeal Patronus this time because I'd already done it, despite that not being how the spell works in the slightest! Does that make any sense at all?

Hermione: Of course not, no one can figure this part out without hurting themselves! And I really don't get what you and the Weasleys see in flyIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Audience: How did no one hear Hermione screaming?

Harry: WOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!

Audience: …Or Harry woo-hooing.

Buckbeak: I did not sign up to have my eardrums permanently ruptured. Asses.

Sirius: TRAILER SHOT! Look at how my face turns dramatically! God I'm gorgeous!

Harry: What happened to Buckbeak? He's not anywhere near this scene, did we park him on the side or what?

Hermione: Bombarda!

Harry: What's that do? I've never heard of HOLY SHIT!

Wall: *explodes*

Audience: A simple alohamora would have sufficed.

Harry: God Hermione, what the fuck were you thinking? We nearly got hit by all that debris, were you trying to get us killed?!

Hermione: MAGICAL HAPPY STEROIDS.

Harry: Those wore off ages ago!

Sirius: HOW THE CRAP DID WE GET ON BUCKBEAK SO QUICKLY.

Harry: Iunno.

Sirius: Whatever, I really don't care about anything except FREEEEEEDOOOOOOM!

Harry: And I just love flying too much! WOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!

Hermione: HOW DID I GET STUCK DRIVING. And I may be just a little creeped out that a much older man is holding my waist.

Sirius: Sorry, I have no idea how that happened, blame the director. And I do not remember this fountain or courtyard or bridge or whatever being here when I was at Hogwarts. Maybe Moony and I should modify the Map or something. Here, Hermione, let me help you down.

Hermione: No, it's fine, really—

Sirius: I have a scrotum and you have fallopian tubes. Deal, bitch.

Hermione: I hate everything. At least stop holding my hand, you strange, creepy man.

Sirius: Fair enough. If only there was some way I could make it up to both of you, screw that ginger kid.

Harry: Oi, if it weren't for his photo in the Prophet you'd still be in Azkaban right now.

Sirius: Good point, but he's still not here.

Harry: …Because you nearly tore his leg off, you daft git.

Sirius: Oh. Right. That. Er, apologize for me again, would you?

Hermione: Of course.

Harry: Inherent creepiness, revenge tendencies, and the fact that you're still a wanted man aside, I wanna come with you. Can I, can I, please please pleeeeeeeeeaaase?

Sirius: Eh, maybe eventually.

Book readers: WHY DIDN'T WE BRING TISSUES THIS YEAR.

Sirius: I really don't know what I'll be doing now…maybe going down south to relax in the sun under some palm trees for a bit before getting a letter from you that forces me to come back to chilly, miserable England, and then getting trapped inside the one place I swore to never set foot in again and where I'll slowly lose my grip on sanity for the remainder of my days. Or something. I dunno, it's going to be rather unpredictable.

Harry: None of this is fair, you're innocent.

Sirius: Don't me and my actor know it.

iheartmwpp: I know I read an interview with David Thewlis talking about Gary Oldman, who lived near him while they were shooting this movie, barging into his house after finishing Book Five and start ranting about how unfair it was for JKR to kill off his character, but I can't find it again. I think it was on some random TV Tropes page, but bugger me if I can't find it again.

Sirius: Still, you know about it, which is pretty damn good in my book, and besides, your place is and always will be at Hogwarts until your final year where I really can't blame you for skipping, considering you probably would've been killed if you went.

Harry: True dat, yo. *sits on a bench, Sirius kneeling in front of him, and I'm too exhausted to yell at the fangirls*

Hermione: Aww, godfather-godson bonding, even though I apparently don't approve of Sirius in the slightest. Might as well give them a moment.

Sirius: I expect you're tired of hearing something you've never actually heard before in the films, but you look so like your father, to the point of people thinking I can't tell the two of you apart, including the filmmakers, which is lovely except not at all. Except your eyes. You have—

Harry: Hey, I actually know this one! My mother's eyes, Lupin told me. Yay, I'm learning so much about my parents this year even though I learned absolutely nothing about my father and his friends whatsoever. Apart from their names, really.

Sirius: That sucks. As is these lines being impossible to parody, as it really is cruel that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily, and you so little. You know, that could be taken to mean that you didn't get to spend enough time with your parents, or that I didn't get enough time to spend with you. It is wicked depressing either way. But know this, Harry. The ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them… *puts his hand on Harry's heart* in here.

Hermione: Yo, iheart, aren't you gonna yell at him?

iheartmwpp: …No, why would I?

Hermione: He stole one of Dumbledore's lines? Duh?

iheartmwpp: Yeah, so?

Hermione: But…But you always yell at me when I steal other people's lines, why aren't you yelling at Sirius?

iheartmwpp: Two reasons. One, Sirius doesn't really do it all that often and we all relish in whatever little screentime Gary Oldman is given in these films. Two, I'm a hypocritical bitch. Deal with it.

Hermione: Grr-face.

Sirius: *meanwhile, has already got up and mounted Buckbeak offscreen*

Audience: So Sirius doesn't have to bow or anything?

Hermione: *hands him the reigns*

Sirius: You really are the brightest witch of your age.

Audience: What, because she found a way to magically hand you the chains?

Book readers: Steve Kloves, stop giving Hermione absolutely everything and just go write some Harry/Hermione fanfiction or something.

Hermione: Tee hee, I'm so glad I get even further confirmation that I'm superior to everyone else. In return, I think I'll heavily mistrust everything you do or say in two years and accuse you of being mentally unbalanced.

Sirius: …You judgmental little bitch. Fuck this, I'm outta here.

Buckbeak: Sweet. Good-bye this is the last time you'll see me in the films, bye!

Sirius and Buckbeak: *fly off, while Harry and Hermione run to get a better look—okay, there is no way the moon could be that big, I don't care if it's more cinematic or whatever, why do films in general always make the moon full all the time and also be far too big to be realistic? Eh, least it's still smaller than movies usually make it, but still…*

Clock chime thing: TIMING!

Hermione: Oh snap! Harry, come on, remember what Dumbledore told us and shit? We have to run now.

Harry: Huh, we're not constantly holding hands while running anymore, that's a nice change.

iheartmwpp: The clock says it's midnight. How the fuck were they transported back to 7:30. Also, once again, Harry and Hermione BRISKLY WALKED up the stairs or something in a matter of milliseconds and look barely out of breath. WTF.

Dumbledore: At last, a moment when I'm actually in character! So how'd it go?

Harry: Sirius flew off on Buckbeak and I've mastered the Patronus Charm, it was awesome.

Dumbledore: What was? Later, dawgs. *wanders off humming to himself*

Hermione: Wow, that wasn't all that terrible.

Harry: There's a first and only time for everything. *pushes open the door to see themselves disappear and create a Stable Time Loop that fans will be debating the logistics of for years to come*

Ron: *is utterly confused, like most of the audience of this movie* How did you get there? Hermione yammers often enough about people not being able to Apparate within Hogwarts often enough, so I know that can't be right. But Siriusly, yuuuyawngu's talking to you there, and now you're there!

Hermione: …The crap did he just say?

Harry: I have no earthly clue. Now let's make fun of him being temporarily physically impaired to the point of being unable to join in our lovely adventure and presumably never tell him what happened ever!

Hermione: LOLOLOLOL.

Ron: And people wonder why I walk out on you in four years.

~What? Not all of these have to be epic length, people!~

Review or Buckbeak will give you his fleas. HA U C WUT I DID THAR.


	20. Teh NO DON'T LEAVE WE LOVES YOU!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, "Hey Remus!" by the Whomping Willows, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Assassin's Creed II, or Rifftrax.

~WOOT, LAST WHOMPING WILLOW TRANSITION! And also the last time we see the Whomping Willow in the films. Odd, that.~

Whomping Willow: Aww, I'm all on my own again. Still, it was nice seeing Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot again, and knowing that there will still be a future generation that can call on me any time they want even though I’ll never be seen or heard of in the films ever again.

Bird thing: See, this is what the first transition should've been. Asses. HAPPY SPLAT!

~I gave you plenty proof that it's better with a tree/So just give up this wizard crap and come on back to me/I'll give you all the lovin' you could ever, ever need, Remus!~

Harry: Wonder if Professor Lupin knows about how I helped Sirius escape and shit. Oh shit, I wonder how he's freaking doing, he looked in a helluva lotta pain last night. Hmm, I hear some kind of jazz music coming from his office that will probably not be found on the soundtrack, so I guess he's all right. Oh good, he's standing. Better knock on the wall to announce my presence, seeing as his back is turned.

Lupin: Hello, Harry.

Harry: OMIGOD YOU'RE FUCKING PSYCHIC.

Lupin: …No, I just saw you coming on the Map and crap.

Harry: Your back was turned away from the Map! That explains nothing! NOTHING!

Lupin: Maybe me doing some magic canonically, with my wand, will calm you down. *does magic canonically, with his wand*

Cool-looking box thing: I AM CLOSING!

Harry: …You okay? You look a bit pale.

Lupin: I've looked worse, don't worry about it.

Harry: That only makes me worry more. As does the fact that you've apparently been sacked, judging by all the packing you're doing.

Lupin: No, I've resigned, actually. Merlin I have a lot of books.

iheartmwpp: Finally, I can start calling him Remus again!

Harry: What? Resigned? Why?

Remus: Well, it seems that somebody who is in no way Severus, that'd just be silly, let slip the nature of my condition. I admit it, I'm pretty much fleeing like a coward because I don't want to have to deal with all of the hatred coming from parents who don't want…someone like me teaching their children.

Harry: Of course not, far be it for us to have an actual competent teacher at Hogwarts, no parent wants that. And I bet my parents would've stood up for you.

Remus: I like to think they would as well. But unfortunately, they're not here to do so.

Harry: Dumbledore is, though, I'm sure we could—

Remus: Dumbledore is the one who let me attend Hogwarts in the first place. If not for that, I would't've met the other three. As far as I'm concerned, that's more than enough, I'm lucky he even offered me a job. Besides, *zips up bag thing* people like me are…well, let's just say that I'm used to it by now. *canonically uses his wand to pack his trunk*

Trunk: PAY ATTENTION TO MY FANCY POWERS OF ARRANGING, CLOSING, AND LOCKING.

Harry: *stares at the amazement that is the trunk's supernatural abilities*

Remus: Why do you look so miserable, Harry?

Harry: Oh no reason, certainly nothing to do with my favorite professor up and leaving on me or anything.

Remus: Hey, be grateful I actually live and have my brain intact.

Harry: …Touché. But…It didn't make any difference. Pettigrew escaped, and we'll never be able to free Sirius without him.

Remus: Didn't make any difference? Harry, it made all the difference in the world! You helped uncover the truth, you saved an innocent man from a terrible fate!

Hermione: See? He's doing it too, yell at him!

iheartmwpp: All-time favorite fictional character and me being completely hypocritical, remember? 'Sides, even if I wasn't so obsessed with Moony and Padfoot I'd take them over Michael Gambon's portrayal of Dumbledore any day.

Remus: The fact that you know of your godfather's innocence and that you personally ensured that he still has a soul makes a great deal of difference, trust me. And either this bag is really heavy or I'm weaker than I thought.

Harry: Need a hand?

Remus: No, I'm fine, I'm fine. And I guess I'll just send for my trunk and all my other crap later, I really don't know what I'm gonna do with all the skulls and crap…Anyway. If I am proud of anything, it's of what I was able to teach you this year. I heard all about your Patronus from Dumbledore, and in the original script I actually explain that your father could turn into a stag, but that's not important to anything.

Alfonso Cuarón: It was just about…trying to service, as much as possible, the story and the spirit of the story, because that's what is great of the book.

iheartmwpp: …You just keep missing the whole point entirely. The Marauders are the story of this particular book, they are the spirit, and you basically outright refused to do them justice.

Remus: Now, I was thinking of holding onto the Map, since I could easily use it as a blanket, or a house, now that I'm unemployed and homeless, but I think it would be better off in your hands, as it is kinda sorta your inheritance. Ish. Not that we'll ever, ever explain that in the films, but there you go.

David Heyman's diary: [Alfonso] decided to tell the story from Harry's point of view, and to lose anything that didn't relate to Harry's journey.

iheartmwpp: …Everyone was on board with this shit. I…I give up, I fucking give up.

Remus: So now I'll say good-bye, Harry. I feel sure we'll meet again in about two films or so, even if I'm mysteriously absent from my first scene.

Harry: Looking forward to it, even if I don't noticeably say anything directly to you again until three films from now, basically.

Remus: You're a little shithead, you know that?

Harry: *beams*

Remus: *smirks* Until then, Mischief Managed.

Marauder's Map: Huh, apparently just pointing the wand in our general direction works as well as tapping it. Who knew.

Remus: By the way, my nickname doesn't have an E in it, don't know why that's there.

Harry: So I've heard. Quite loudly, in fact.

iheartmwpp: *is too busy playing Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix to care; she gave up, remember?*

Remus: *smiles at Harry one more time, picks up his walking stick, and walks out. Harry watches him slowly walk out of the DADA classroom*

Rifftrax: What—Hey, no! Bad Professor Lupin! No piddle! No!

~This scene probably dragged on too long as well, especially at the end, but since it involved Remus, I don't really care. Yes I'm a complete hypocrite, we've been over this, what are you gonna do about it?~

Ghosts on horses playing with their severed heads: WE ARE IMPORTANT!

Random students: Stop existing.

Ron: Oi, I said leave it alone! I'll hit you with my crutch if you don't back the fuck off!

Random black kid that does have a name and does turn up in the background of subsequent movies, who I still think won a contest or something: *leans over the mysterious thingy on the table while Neville and Seamus run up to Harry*

Neville: Yo, Harry! Where the fuck did you get a hold of something like that?

Harry: Something like what?

Book readers: …No.

Seamus: Can I try it after you? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Sour Cream? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?

Harry: If I knew what the fuck either of you were talking about, then maybe. Now what the crap is going on?

Percy: I'm still in the movie!

Ron: No one cares, now everyone let Harry in to see what he got.

Harry: Why do you still have a crutch, doesn't Madam Pomfrey have the power to heal people instantaneously?

Ron: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? And I'm really sorry for opening it on you, but…well, it was a broomstick-shaped package, and I really wanted to know what it was…I mean the twins did, they forced me to do it, I had no control over my actions!

Fred: No—

George: —we—

Fred: —didn't!

George: You're—

Fred: —just—

George: —making—

Fred: —that—

George: —up—

Fred: —to—

George: —sound—

Fred: —like—

George: —less—

Fred: —of—

George: —a—

Fred: —douchebag—

George: —even—

Fred: —though—

George: —everyone—

Fred: —knows—

George: —that—

Fred: —that's—

George: —all—

Fred: —you'll—

George: —ever—

Fred: —be—

George: —till—

Fred: —Film—

George: —Seven—

Fred: —and—

George: —Eight!

Ron: Oh for the love of Merlin's dorsal fins, when will the agony stop.

Harry: *lifts paper* Ooooooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiinyyyy….

Someone off-camera: It's a Firebolt!

Someone else off-camera: It's the fastest broom in the world until they inevitably make an upgrade in a decade or so!

Book readers: Now Sirius gives him the broomstick? Really?

Harry: For me? But who sent it?

Ron: No one has any idea, we just hope they won't strip it down this time.

Hermione: This came with it. *holds up giant hippogriff feather of DOOM*

Harry: Oh yeah, this is happening right fucking now.

Everyone in the great hall: I wanna watch, I wanna watch!

All of them: *run outside, right past Malfoy and his gang of third year Slytherins making one last cameo*

Seamus and Neville: *are right behind Harry*

Dean: *is nowhere to be seen*

Hermione, Parvati, and possibly Ginny: *are right behind them, followed by the twins, Percy, and a bunch of nameless students no one cares about*

Ron: *brings up the rear, moving pretty fast for a guy with a bad leg*

Audience: ABOUT TIME THEY USED THIS MUSIC!

Harry: *takes off*HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Everyone else: Whoa… *drool*

Black Lake: *isn't a lake, it's a fucking river*

Harry: AAAAAAAAAH HA HAAAAAAAA!

Last shot of the film: *is a horrible blurry screenshot of Harry's face that is vaguely terrifying*

EVERYONE IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE: ….Worst. Movie ending. EVER.

Screen: *fades to black*

EVERYONE IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE: YES, PLEASE GOD, GET THAT OFF THE SCREEN NOW!

Harry's voice: Lumos. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Credits: *roll*

The Marauder's Map-inspired ending sequence: *is admittedly fucking awesome. See? I can see the good in some things! But one or two good moments does not a good movie make; most of it has to be good, or it just doesn't work*

iheartmwpp's mother person: …What just happened?

iheartmwpp: Sigh. Come on, I'll explain in the car.

~And so I explained the Marauder backstory in less than five minutes. It's. NOT. HARD!~

Review or the Screenshot Ending From Hell will haunt your dreams forevermore.


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